Red Sox left-hander Jon Lester threw the first no-hitter in the majors this season, striking out nine and allowing only two baserunners as Boston blanked Kansas City 7-0 last night.  It was the 18th no-hitter for the franchise, and the Major League-record fourth time that Jason Varitek has caught one.

Of course, the real story is how heartwarming and shit Jon Lester's life is.  Lester, just 24, missed the end of the 2006 season when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, which is a fancy term for "cancer."  A year later, he pitched in Boston's World Series-clinching victory.  And now he's thrown a no-hitter.

Hey, I had a friend with cancer once.  He died.  Thanks for bringing it up, Jon.  Ass.

Eleven months ago Jon Lester had a 7-2 record in his rookie season with the Red Sox.  He also had anaplastic large cell lymphoma, which is one of those science words for "cancer."  Understandably, he took a year off to get radiation and stuff, because cancer is a serious asshole that way.

Last night, Lester returned to the Sox and pitched six strong innings to earn the decision in a 6-2 win over the Indians.  Does this make Lester as big of a hero as Lance Armstrong?  Well, no — he didn't even lose a vital organ.  I'm going to give him temporary Dave Dravecky status with the hope that his arm snaps in half in his next start.  Not because I wish him harm, but because it's pretty awesome when an arm snaps like kindling.  Just imagine it: *CRACK*  "Ow, my humerus!"  Pretty sweet, right?

Other MLB scores: Rockies beat up San Diego bullpen to take away win from Greg Maddux.  Also taken from Maddux: his lunch money.  Because he's a total nerdbomber… D-Backs drop Marlins 4-3, sending Dontrelle Willis to his seventh straight losing decision.  Has he tried straightening out his hat?… Aaron Harang: "Hey guys, I'm gonna allow one run in 10 innings, okay?"  Cincinnati Reds: "Whatever, pal.  Have a no-decision."