"It's a tree cah garage for all yer Trans Ams."

It would be beyond obvious to say that things aren’t going well for the Miami Dolphins. With quarterback Chad Henne out for the season, backup Matt Moore playing with injured ribs, and recent third string retread Sage Rosenfels done for the season, the team had to bring in Buffalo Bills loss manufacturer J.P. Losman for depth. Factor in Anthony Fasano’s latest addition to the players chastising fans for pushing the “Suck for Luck” initiative and we’ve got a full blown mess.

Perhaps nothing is messier than Tony Sparano’s status as head coach. Earlier this week, Yahoo!’s Jason Cole reported that NFL analysts Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden were itching to return to coaching and had mentioned to unnamed people that Miami would fit their desires. CBS stirred the pot further, claiming that the Dolphins had actually been in contact with Cowher. Whether one thing has to do with the other or not, Sparano has put his house up for sale. Again.

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This is the Gates Of Heaven of football gifs. I’ve watched it about thirty times, and I’m still not to the bottom of it.

The moment, captured by way of Reddit and posted on Mocksession, depicts This Guy, Jon Gruden, as he attempts to overcome the very worst part of being white: not knowing which handshake to use, where the handshake is going or when it’s supposed to end. I feel his pain. I do this with mascots a lot. Tex Hooper of FC Dallas will raise his hand up and I won’t know if he’s waving at me or going for a high-five, and by the time I decide to go five he’s switched it to a fist bump. The upside to my awkwardness is that I don’t have to be it on national television. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether Ron Jaworski’s execution was better or worse than Mike Tirico’s. [editor's note: way, way worse]

The important lesson here is that if you dare fist bump, don’t try to do it two at a time. Get the people you want to bump lined up single-file and bump it in order like you just won a baseball game. Or, if you’re as old as these guys, just f**king shake hands.

Jon Gruden might return to an NFL sideline, but according to a very close source, it won’t be for another year. Deuce Gruden (which I’m assuming is just short for Jon Gruden, Jr.) might have given away his dad’s potential future coaching plans over the weekend.

The former Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach who was traded away from the Oakland Raiders in 2002 (only to beat them in the Super Bowl a year later) reportedly will seek another job in the League 2012, after Deuce finishes high school, according to his son’s remarks on the Sporting Rave podcast. Gruden seems to have his heart set on San Francisco, “and maybe Cleveland.” Yeah, that’s how most of us feel about Cleveland.

And yeah, this could have been a teenage kid talking out of his ass, but it’s still a notable take on a guy who’s probably the hottest “name” head coaching candidate on the market right now. Plus the kid’s name is Deuce. Hey, Deuce, got any good tips on penny stocks? I can see that email spam now. “THIS STOCK! I call it The Boomerang, because of its amazing returns!” Hey, that’s good stuff.

Vinny Cerrato has left his post as vice president of football operations for the Washington Danielskins, and was replaced (rather quickly) by former Tampa Bay Buccaneers (two Cs, one N, two Es) GM Bruce Allen.

The timing of Cerrato’s decision to step down before the season is over suggests that owner Dan Snyder was fed up with internal strife and had his eye not only on a new hire for the position of executive vice president of football operations, but also a new head coach, perhaps Allen’s former colleague Jon Gruden. –WaPo.

Jon Gruden and his balls just signed a multi-year extension with ESPN, but the Redskins have two things working in their favor. A metric assload* of cash, and the total disregard for prudently spending it. Sounds like Jon Gruden will be the next head coach of some football players inside the Beltway. Poor Ron Jaworski must be getting FNG Syndrome at this point.

Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden was fired last week, and at least one person isn’t too broken up about it.  Former Bucs defensive end Simeon Rice was a little more than candid about his feelings on Sirius NFL Radio.

“You look at what he did when Chris [Simms] damn near died on the field, he wanted to release him right when he got injured. I get hurt, my shoulder’s torn off the bone. This dude releases me. You know what I mean? I’m your guy. The list goes on.

“Keenan McCardell, that situation was a debacle. Keyshawn Johnson, another situation [that] was a debacle. Joey Galloway, which was his man, was in the doghouse all year because he got injured, broke his ankle or whatever. Brad Johnson, that situation was bad. Brings Jeff Garcia in here, oh, he’s going to change things. I helped recruit him [and he] released me, kept Jeff and then put him in the doghouse. Gets rid of Brian Griese, brings him, starts a controversy. It was chaotic…

“I’m just giving you facts. I’m not giving you how I feel personally. How I feel personally?  I could tell you that, too. I think he’s a scumbag. I think he’s a scumbag personally… You know what he told me? ‘Simeon you’ll be here in the next five years.’ I got injured [and] this man’s never said one word to me. I won a Super Bowl for you. I got 13 sacks, 12, 15 every year for you. I balled. I got injured [and] you let me go like it was nothing.”

Rice finished the interview by praising just about every other coach in the Tampa organization.  Then he left to go take a dump on Gruden’s porch.