I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.

Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.

I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.

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Louis C.K’s New, New Testament: 20 Commandments to Live By - “When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” [Warming Glow]

ROFLMNBAO: Kobe’s Black Mask, 2012-2012 - If you missed yesterday’s feature, you missed out on Kobe as the Hamburglar. That’s not a thing you should be missing. [With Leather]

Topher Grace (Yes, That Topher Grace) Just Vastly Improved The Star Wars Prequels - The best part of this is knowing that no matter how complex a nerd might be, he’s still got the guy with glasses in this video to make him look bad. [Gamma Squad]

Dear David Stern, Stare Downs Aren’t Worth Techs - They should start giving technical fouls for “being excited” and make everyone play with their arms down to their sides. [Smoking Section]

What The Hell Is All This ‘#Kony2012′ Crap About? - It’s a viral ad campaign to get my teenage cousin super into defending the planet against monsters, at least until next week when she forgets she learned about it. [UPROXX]

Elderly Viral Phenom Completely Flummoxed By Her Sudden Internet Fame - I read about this lady. Columns were made available to suit my pleasure. It enjoyed them. They were great and nice. [UPROXX]

‘Lone Ranger’ First Look: Johnny Depp Is Wearing A Birdhat - Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are in some kind of contest to see which one can be declared a minority first, aren’t they? [Film Drunk]

Matches We Loved 2011: Part II - If you read part one, THIS one actually features me. My match features wardrobe malfunctions, but not the ones you’re imagining. [DirtyDirtySheets]

Coors Is Going To Start Making Iced Tea Flavored Beer - Great, another disgusting thing for me to not drink! [Buzzfeed]

Rush Limbaugh vs. Inspirational Feminist Quotes - The next time anyone (“right” or “left”) says something inflammatory to get publicity, we should say, “whatever, you’re paid by people to be inflammatory and get publicity, we’re ignoring you”, put them in a box, ship them to Siberia and move the hell on. [HuffPost Comedy]

10 Weirdest ‘Animals Eating Themselves’ Pictures Ever - Nothing makes that pork chop taste better than imagining the pig happily slaughtering itself! [The FW]

Ten Actors We Wish Were More Talented Than They Are - This list really does begin and end with Alexis Bledel. I’d also put Aly Michalka on here, because ‘Phil of the Future’ was great. [Pajiba]

Our 10 Favorite Adam Sandler Leading Ladies in Movies - #1-10: Jill. #11, whoever was in Little Nicky. [Unreality]