And I say HEY! What a wonderful time of day! Where you can learn to work and play, and read the first Sports On TV of 2013: the 20 greatest sports moments from PBS Kids’ ‘Arthur.’

‘Arthur’ is about the mostly-educational adventures of Arthur Read, an 8-year old aardvark who … well, learns to work and play and get along with the people in his hometown of Elwood City. Arthur started as a series of children’s books by author and illustrator Marc Brown, and eventually became a cartoon so popular it has over 1.1 million likes on Facebook and is the longest-running children’s animated series in the U.S., second behind only ‘The Simpsons’ as the longest-running animated series in the U.S. period. It’s also full of sports, and sometimes I like to write things on my comedy sports blog that my girlfriend will enjoy.

If you don’t already love ‘Arthur’ and have no interest in flipping through this list, listen to the opening theme, included below. If you can listen to the entire thing and not sing it for the rest of the day, I’ll let you off the hook.

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Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, “I’ll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I’ll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE’S GRITTY!)” I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.

However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I’ve branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I’ve ever done.

[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]

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This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

That’s Final Destination 3‘s tagline, because it is about a roller coaster that kills you. The roller coaster crash in that movie takes about nine minutes, making it the longest f**king roller coaster of all time.

Anyway, so arrives the third and final (until the sequel) installment of guest writer Bill Hanstock’s SFinal Destination series. We’ve spent seven-plus years portraying Giants fans as the butt of a horse, so hopefully this will catch on with San Fran Fans and open up a world of new ideas, such as the Giants dying in an airplane and the Giants dying on a freeway. In case you missed our updates on Friday, our updates yesterday AND today’s Morning Links, please read Part 1 and Part 2 before clicking through.

Then, click through. Today’s HAUNTING Dugout THRILLRIDE~ is after the jump.

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It’s been a confusing few days for the organizations who inexplicably want the services of outfielder/DH Johnny Damon, the 36-year-old former Red Sox star who has slowly morphed from a player who based his career on his ability to run into a player who’s basing his career on the fact that he used to be able to run. He’s always had maybe the weakest throwing arm in all of major league baseball, and now that his speed has diminished so badly that he barely ever plays the field, spending only 37 of the 113 games he’s played so far with a glove in his hand. The only redeeming quality he has left besides his ‘leadership’ is his ability to hit baseballs, and he’s been doing that at a pretty subpar clip thus far.

Yet for reasons that have to do with nostalgia and the close to complete destruction of their starting roster due to injuries, the Red Sox decided that Damon would the perfect remedy for a flailing team and claimed him off of waivers from the Detroit Tigers. And for reasons that may be even more idiotic, Damon decided to decline the offer to return to a city full of friends where he won a World Series championship, became a folk hero and had one of the best heads of hair in recent memory by stating that he, “Loves Detroit” which is ridiculous because people who live in Detroit can’t even jade themselves into thinking they love Detroit. Maybe he was frightened that the receding hairline he’s sporting now will tarnish the memory of the flowing Jesus locks he had while playing for Boston in 2004.

Johnny Damon is staying with the Tigers after all, saying “I love Detroit.” The Tigers outfielder said before Tuesday night’s game against Kansas City that he decided to pass up a chance to return to the Boston Red Sox, with whom he became a cult hero in helping lead the team to a World Series title in 2004, its first since 1918. The Red Sox claimed Damon on waivers this week, but he had the right to veto a move to Boston because of a no-trade clause in his contract.

“It’s good for us. He stays here and we can play more together and see what happens. We can do a lot of things,” Cabrera said. “We can win more games, we can get more support in the lineup. If he stays here for some reason, it’s because he likes it here, he believes in us. That’s good.”

“These guys really like me here,” Damon said Tuesday, adding that he spoke to each of his teammates individually to be sure he was wanted in the Tigers’ clubhouse. -ESPN

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Hey, did you hear?  The Red Sox and Yankees played each other this past weekend.  Naturally, ESPN barely covered it, but you can always tell when the teams meet because of the spike in Sox-Yanks fan assaults. 

Anyway, here's the video (finally) of Kevin Youkilis's unlikely triple that tied the game in Boston's 6-4 win on July 4th.  Not only can you enjoy the near-impossible image of a fly ball perched on the edge of the outfield fence for several moments, but you can also drink in the joy of Johnny Damon getting injured while botching the catch.  It's the best 2-for-1 special you're gonna get outside of Spearmint Rhino before 10 p.m.  Speaking of 2-for-1s…

Watch as Aaron Rowland displays his skills from the opposite spectrum of amazing outfield plays.

This year's section of the SI Swimsuit Issue dedicated to athletes' wives brings us photos Michelle Damon (wife of overpaid Yankees CF Johnny), Ingrid Vandebosch (wife of NASCAR's Jeff Gordon), Carmella Garcia (beard of Bucs' QB Jeff), and La La Vazquez (fiancée of the Nuggets' Carmelo Anthony).  And as you can see WAIT WHAT IS CARMELLA WEARING?  I haven't seen a waistline that high since I burned down the old folks' home.  What the hell are they doing covering up her stomach?  They know she was a Playmate, right?  I already have pictures of her stark naked on my hard drive, I don't need photos of her in some upside-down corset. 

This is like when Jenna Jameson quit straight porn and started doing only lesbian scenes.  It's like, hel-loooo, I already have the tape of you getting hollowed out by a group of dudes dressed as members of the Royal Air Force.  I watched it last night.  Don't play coy with me.