Houston cornerback Johnathan Joseph spent five years in Cincinnati before joining the Texans, and he’s willing to explain the differences between the organizations in detail. Here’s the short version: The Bengals are assholes about Gatorade.

“In Cincy, the team lives off money it earns from football. Houston’s owner has other business interests and he controls the money. Numerous things that go on such as the way Houston interacts with my family; we’re treated in a first-class way. They helped us when my wife lost our baby daughter in a miscarriage.

“But they help with anything you ask of them because they are a very caring organization with positive attitudes about its players. In Cincy, we’re told how much Gatorade we could take home. In Houston we get what we request. You get soap and deodorant at your request. You don’t have a roommate on road trips.” (via HeraldOnline.com)

I like how quickly it goes from “Houston helped us when my wife had a miscarriage” to “Cincinnati won’t let me take home all the Gatorade I want”. I also like that no matter how rich and famous you get, you’re still that guy working at the mall Chick-Fil-A who wants to take home the extra chicken sandwiches and gets pissed when your bitch manager won’t let you.

You’ve got $23.5 million of guaranteed money in Houston, right? Can’t you buy your own soap? I have a blogger’s salary and can keep my fridge stocked with Gatorade. It’s like $4.99 for an 8-pack. I know it’s a Moneyball vending machine situation where it’s less about having to pay a dollar for a Pepsi and more about being disrespected by an organization that barely cares about you, but c’mon, just hold out a Dixie cup the next time somebody gets a Gatorade bath.

[via Larry Brown Sports]

At some point, a Cincinnati Bengal getting arrested will be as much of a news story as thunderstorms in southern Ohio — it will probably make the local 5 o'clock news, but it won't make a blip on the national front. Anway, we're not quite there yet, so I'm going to go ahead with it: cornerback Johnathan Joseph makes nine:

Joseph is charged with possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor. He was taken into custody at 2:15 a.m. after a car in which he was a passenger was stopped…  [A] sheriff’s deputy said he stopped the 1999 gold Ford vehicle for weaving in and out of lanes at a slow rate of speed. A police report states the vehicle crossed the center line three times.

The driver, Kelsy Glover of Fairfield, was charged with careless driving and operating on a suspended license. Glover told the deputy she was eating food and reaching for Joseph’s juice when she was stopped, according to the report… [T]he deputy searched a Super Bowl XL backpack Joseph was holding after smelling a strong odor of marijuana during the traffic stop. Marijuana was found in the backpack next to a video game system.

To be fair, it's not that big of a deal: it's just marijuana, after all. I don't leave my apartment without anything stronger than a couple of 8-balls, so I'm not one to judge.

But still, I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Never, ever, ever get into a car if a woman is going to be driving. Friends don't let friends drive female.