The first time Washington Wizards point guard John Wall tried to throw out a first pitch at a Washington Nationals game, it looked like … ugh, well, this. It was bad. Mariah Carey bad. It couldn’t even qualify as a legitimate bounce pass. The kind of thing Matt Ufford would’ve described as “physically retarded.”
Before Thursday night’s game at Nationals Park, Wall got a second chance at first pitch glory.
People send and Tweet a lot of links to me each week and the results range from tame and general to bizarre and borderline terrifying, but every now and then somebody shows me something that just makes me giggle with delight, and that’s good for everyone. That happened the other day when a friend passed along the Tumblr site Indie Basketball, which, as the name implies, combines popular indie bands with NBA stars. Simple and sweet.
But more than anything, I’m a sucker for puns, so that more than makes up for my shameful lack of knowledge when it comes to who some of these bands are. For example, Bat for Lashes? No clue. But Bat for Nashes? That’s a giggle-maker right there. So let’s get the pun machine rolling with some of our own names (that aren’t exactly indie bands, I know):
Earl the Pearl Jam Houston Rocket from the Crypt Kids in Glass Eddie Houses King Charles Barkley Franz Vasquez Ferdinand P.J. Donnell Harvey Heypenny Hardaway
Damn, that’s some fine punning right there. I’ve included some of my favorite Indie Basketball efforts after the jump, but don’t let that stop you slick hipsters from suggesting your own with your favorite Bright Eyes and Wolf Parade jams playing in the background.
I’d like to be a NBA hipster and claim that I’m already over this damned Jeremy Lin hype, but I’d be lying. Aside from the endless SportsCenter fellatio that only ESPN can provide the athlete du jour, I think the guy is a great story and he’s an exciting player to watch. But above all else, he’s a reminder that the right guys, while seemingly worthless to one team, can be the perfect fit with another team, if that franchise has capable eyes and ears making the decisions. Do you think Isiah Thomas thinks to sign Lin if he’s still the New York Knicks president? Hell no. And there are plenty of other teams that could have used his shot in the arm – both on the court and in the bank – but the NBA is so lopsided when it comes to competent GMs and team presidents that it’s amazing Lin even got another chance.
Other than that, it’s business as usual this week. The San Antonio Spurs are the hottest team in the NBA with a 9-game winning streak, but we don’t talk about them because they don’t have Lin. The Chicago Bulls are currently the best team in the NBA despite Derrick Rose’s absence and the Miami Heat are quietly plotting the addition of a big man. Will it be Chris Kaman? Nobody knows, but yes, it will be Kaman, because New Orleans is trying to get rid of everyone so the Hornets can eventually finally start the league’s first ever all janitor team.
UPROXX Discussion: The Best And Worst Rap Beefs Of All-Time - The best part is the link back to Danger Guerrero’s Tina Fey article where he gets all indignant about local convenience stores. Philadelphia is awesome, but not because of the places you get gas, dude. [UPROXX]
The Fifteen Greatest ’30 Rock’ Pop Culture References - Speaking of Tina Fey, I had a weird experience yesterday … I’ve been hearing everywhere how good season 5 of 30 Rock was, so I sat down to watch some of it on Netflix. That’s when I realized I’d already SEEN ALL of it and forgotten it in total. Welp! [Warming Glow]
On John Wall, The Wizards & The Case of Young Talent on Bad Teams - I may never be able to think of John Wall as a basketball player again, he’s just that guy who can’t throw a baseball. [Smoking Section]
WALL-ETHEUS Is Eager To Find Some Life Forms - The worst part about doing something creative in 2012: the Internet immediately eats it and sh*ts it out. [Gamma Squad]
The Dog from The Artist Has all the Right Moves - Now we just need to teach a wolf how to ride on the roof of a moving car. [Film Drunk]
Bronies Before Hoenies: Photos And Videos From The 2012 Winter BroNYCon - I understand what it feels like to love something uncool, but I don’t need a situation where I dress up as my favorite wrestler and go to a building where everyone else is dressed up like wrestlers, and I don’t need to blow anybody wearing a Gobbeldy Gooker costume. [UPROXX]
30 Of The Most Depressing Toddlers & Tiaras Animated Gifs On The Internet - These little girls are all going to be Courtney Stodden someday, obsessed with themselves and tweeting in alliteration. [Buzzfeed]
Flava Flav and Dee Snider Have a Crazy-Off on ‘Celebrity Wife Swap’ - Remembering people from my childhood would be awesome if they hadn’t gotten all Gollum’d out by fame. [The FW]
The 11 Crappiest Movies Of Michael Douglas’ Career -Disclosure will always be the worst to me. Demi Moore had a thing going where she’d do message movies and make them look like Cinemax. G.I. Jane, I’m looking in your direction. [Brobible]
The Muppets Invade Movies: A Gallery - In a better world, The Muppets would’ve been a colossal hit and Jim Henson would’ve risen from his grave with googly eyes to accept an Oscar. Oh well. [Unreality]
The Smell of Napalm in the Morning: The Supercut - Somebody needs to convert Apocalypse Now into 3D in post, and into smell-o-vision. [High Definite]
As I’ve pointed out a few dozen times since July 1, whoever is running the public relations strategy for the NBA players union is doing a terrible job. But I’m also willing to bet that nobody is really in charge of the spin machine, as we’ve seen both the players and owners struggle to grasp reality during this entire lockout.
However, it’s worth pointing out that the players, despite coming off as greedy and arrogant at times (*cough, Dwyane Wade claiming he deserves $50 million per season, cough*), really do have their acts together for the most part. Sure, some of them are acting like they don’t give a crap about whether or not there is a season, but some of them are using their free time for the betterment of society and they’re not necessarily doing it so they can pose for the cameras.
Us basketball fans may be pissed, annoyed, frustrated, and flat out angry, but we’re also ignorant to the better efforts because a couple guys giving out Playstations to terminally ill kids doesn’t make a front page look as sexy as Wade telling off the league’s commish. Fortunately, I was doing some fall hard drive cleaning and came across a slew of images that proves that even the most robotic, soulless eventual billionaires like LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony have big hearts. They just don’t have good marketing teams.
Kevin Durant was, as usual, the human highlight reel at this weekend’s Clash of the Superstars charity basketball game in Washington, D.C., and it’s definitely nice to see some of the league’s biggest names using their time to support good causes. But the giving didn’t just begin and end with the charity, as Durant also offered us a little something on the business end, as well as something for the gossip mongers.
First, the above image probably has Chicago Bulls fans fapping with delight and Seattle Supersonics Oklahoma City Thunder fans purchasing nooses and stools. But everyone needs to settle down, as there’s nothing to see here. Sure, it’s strange seeing a star wearing another team’s hat, but it’s the NBA and people do strange stuff all the time. However, if the season is cancelled and contracts aren’t upheld, or if all contracts are somehow declared null and void, then this might be a NBA writer’s wet dream.
In the meantime, let’s talk about business, because Durant already has.