Here’s a fun little factoid for you crazy sports fans out there: athletes tend to buy really expensive houses. Who would have thunk it, right? Well it turns out that in a lot of cases, when athletes retire or change teams, they sell those houses and then people have an opportunity to take a look inside and see how the 1% really lives. And I’m almost always disappointed by the lack of bearsharktopus cages. Step your game up, so-called ballers.

Yesterday, the Cookie Kwans at Realtor.com posted some of the latest listings of current and former Major League Baseball players, and while there wasn’t anything too crazy, it was still pretty interesting. For instance, I can’t quite wrap my brain around how a guy could invest a quarter of his 5-year, $80 million salary into a home purchase, but then again nobody has yet to accept my challenge of giving me $80 million just to see how fast I can blow it. Offer still stands, billionaires. Let’s get this done.

Search for your dream home after the jump, you silly cash cows.

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I’m not especially desirous to see John Smoltz fail; I’m fascinated by the story more than anything. Smoltz, after 20 years with the Atlanta Braves, just up-and-left after the Red Sox offered him both a competitive one-year deal and two months during the season to recover from last year’s shoulder surgery. They were willing to wait for Smoltz to get healthy and return. And they’re still waiting.

Smoltz was lit up in a big divisional game that was surely among the worst of his 474 career starts: nine hits, eight runs (all earned) and four walks led to Smoltz getting pulled in the fourth. The Yankees went on to win, 13-6.

“This is a result-oriented business,” said Smoltz. “This is an organization that expects high standards and I expect them of myself. I’ll be the first to say that these last few games — they all haven’t been like this. This is probably the worst result game that I’ve pitched. You don’t want to do it here.”

Meanwhile, the Nationals won their fifth straight came, coming from behind to beat Florida 12-8. Elijah Dukes had 4 RBIs, including a solo shot in the seventh. The Marlins, hoping to gain ground in their race in the AL East, got swept and now find themselves only a half-game in front of the Braves.The Nats host Arizona–another struggling team that’s on a five-game win streak of their own–this weekend.

Boston Red Sox pitcher John Smoltz pitched in his second outing of the year last night; but his start was overshadowed by the fact that the Sawks gave up a nine-run lead and lost, 11-10. To the friggin’ Orioles, further cementing Smoltz’s reputation as a black cat running under a ladder on Friday the 13th while knocking over a mirror. From Y! Sports:

Baltimore trailed 10-1 before scoring five runs in the seventh inning and five more in the eighth. The rally was even more shocking because it came against a Boston team that had defeated the Orioles eight straight times, including five this season.[...]

“We just had no answer,” Red Sox manager Terry Francona said. “We went through everybody. Nothing we did worked.”

Smoltz was off the hook for the decision, having been pulled before the requisite five innings due to a 71-minute rain delay. I understand that Smoltz spent the rest of the game in a rocking chair, knitting a sweater and sniffing paint thiner. Isn’t that ridiculous? Who’s gonna wear a sweater in July?

Former Atlanta Brave and current Red Sox pitcher John Smoltz made his return to action last night against America’s Team, and those Washington Nationals welcomed him back through public humiliation, scoring four runs on Smoltz in the first inning and handing the former Cy Young Award winner a 9-3 loss. From Y! Sports:

Smoltz (0-1), who spent his previous 20 seasons with the Atlanta Braves, needed 34 pitches to get through the first inning, when the Nationals hit him hard by pulling pitches high in the strike zone. He settled down after that, giving up a run in the third but retiring the side in order in the second, fourth and fifth. His final line: five innings, seven hits, five runs, one walk, one hit batter and five strikeouts in 92 pitches.

“I was excited,” manager Terry Francona said. “I know it was a tough game, but if he throws the ball like that, if he feels like that physically, he’s going to be just fine.”

Smoltz’s one-year deal with the Sox is especially notable, as that team was prepared to let him rehab from surgery on a torn labrum until he was ready to play. The Atlanta Braves, the only other team for whom Smoltz played in his 21 seasons of big league ball, were not as gracious. But nobody seems to be flipping out about the rough start. And for that, I give credit to the beard. When’s the last time you ever doubted the abilities of anyone with a beard? I thought so.