One day I’m going to have a son – or if our God is a vengeful one, 6 daughters – and he will ask me in an adorable-but-eventually-manly voice, “Daddy, what does Thanksgiving mean?” And I’m going to look him straight in the eyes and tell him, “Visiting hours are over, thanks for the cigarettes.” But it’s a great question, that one that my imaginary son just asked. What does Thanksgiving even mean anymore?

It used to be a holiday that celebrated the first meal between the pilgrims that traveled to this country and the Native Americans that lived here, but we can’t be happy about that anymore because of the whole genocide thing. And at one time it was a celebration of family and friends coming together over a nice turkey dinner, but now we have national TV campaigns that are hellbent on making us feel like murderers for enjoying a piece of white meat. Hell, I’d love to say that it’s about celebrating America’s love of the NFL, but now we’re total a-holes if we cheer for a big hit because it may ruin a guy’s life.

Maybe that’s what we’re supposed to be most thankful for – the ability to make people feel miserable about everything. After all, what’s the point of spending hours in a farty plane or car only to end up with people who are going to nag you about your life decisions and ask you for money? But I’m a classic guy, who still believes in that old-fashioned meaning of Thanksgiving, so I’ve put together this gallery of the most Thanksgiving things that I could think of. I hope that it touches your hearts the way that it has touched the heart of the son I don’t have who was just visiting me in prison.

Happy Thanksgiving from With Leather.

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From a May 11 interview with ESPN:

“Actually, I don’t even believe in curses. It’s really sad how many people believe in curses. This is football; everyone gets hurt. If you run the ball 40 times a game, you’re going to get banged around and get nicks and bruises here and there, but I don’t pay too much attention to that. I’ll let it take care of itself.”

Then came an eight-touchdown, 600-yard decline in productivity, a hamstring injury, an exchange of tough guy back-and-forth with his team over a contract and that time he bailed on a charity gig with the Cleveland Boys And Girls Club. This deadly combination of bad PR, commonplace injury, personal assholery and “living in Cleveland” can only mean one thing.

From a December 19 interview with Cleveland.com:

“No doubt about it, things haven’t worked to my favor this year. There’s a few things that happened that made me believe in curses. Ain’t no doubt about it.”

There you have it. There ain not any doubt about it. Peyton Hillis is cursed, and the only way the Browns can get back on track is if Mike Holmgren tricks John Madden into walking over a cleverly disguised pit and rips off his face to reveal Old Man Jenkins from the abandoned amusement park.

I think they should find the worst player in the NFL and put him on the Madden 13 box just to see if he spontaneously combusts. Any takers?

[h/t to Shutdown Corner]

This is not a bad setup for sitting in a wedding tent with a catered barbecue. John Madden, in his first season officially out of pro football since 1879, has what might be the best TV setup for watching the NFL…ever. Madden has ten TVs in all: nine 63-inch television sets, and one big screen. “They don’t make clickers for a setup like this.” And when you can scream out random numbers to make people do what you want, who needs one? via.

Dyah see dat right there? He’s uhh he’ been in this game a long time and uhh now he’s gonna retire which means he’s not gonna uhh not be in the game any more. And uhh I dunno what he’s gonna be doin now but he uhh…and then and then BOOM RIGHT THERE…but uh he’s not gonna be around football now that’s for sure.

NFL Legend John Madden has decided to retire from announcing games in the NFL.

John Madden has done everything possible in the NFL. He played for the Philadelphia Eagles, coached the Oakland Raiders, announced games, and has his name on one of the most successful video games of all time.

In 2006, Madden was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for his work as the Oakland Raiders Head Coach.

I actually enjoyed Madden’s work everywhere he’s been; he blends the technical observations from the game with everyman language as well as anyone still working. Early reports that Madden’s chair in the NBC booth will be filled by Al Michael’s Ego. Fortunately, Madden was a big guy.

|as first seen on In Game Now|

David Letterman sent Biff Henderson to be a Late Night correspondent at the Super Bowl.  There’s some good stuff here, especially the appearances by Jesse Jacksonand Marv Albert — although nothing is quite as satisfying as Biff swearing at a Steelers fan who interrupts an interview.

I’m not sure if anyone ever really got the right answer to what John Madden smells like in the morning, though.  I always figured it was cash, sweat, and bacon grease.  With an oaky finish of brain damage.

[Awful Announcing]

Even though I've seen Frank Caliendo do his John Madden impression roughly 36,000 times, it still makes me laugh. I'm like that four-year-old who just learned how to make farting noises.

Here's seven minutes of goodness from Caliendo's pre-Super Bowl appearance on Letterman. To be fair, he's done a great job of adjusting the impersonation over the years. The addition of Madden' frequent spaced-out silences is a nice touch.

Clip seen on the attention-whoring-but-not-all-that-bad Flash Sports Tonight (link has sound).