Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was asked about his team’s upcoming matchup against the Patriots on Sunday
“Never really too much cared for New England,” Porter said. “Still don’t care for New England. The hate’s been there for a while, especially after all the cheating they did back in the day. I can honestly say I don’t agree with it, but it happened, and it’s over with now.”[..]
Porter also commented on Patriots quarterback Tom Brady:
“When a guy can tell a ref when to throw a flag and he gets it and stuff like that, he got his own rules. They made the whole [rule that you] don’t go at the legs because of Tom. So when he feels that someone is coming at his legs, he just points at the ref and he gets a flag. So you’ve got to honestly say that he got his own rules.” –ESPN.
It’s bizarre to think of such a frightening individual actually goes by “Joey.” But damn, I think Roger Goodell would put Tom Brady in a dress if Mr. Porter asked him. Yeah, I’m just calling him Mr. Porter now to be safe, and I should add that Mr. Porter is a wonderful person without any sort of chemical imbalance whatsoever.
When Joey Porter makes the Pro Bowl, and Joey Porter wants to go surfing in Hawai’i, dammit, Joey Porter goes surfing or people are gonna get killed. The always-reliable Mondesi’s House pulled these and other pics from a reader that saw Porter and fellow AFC linebacker-slash-former Steeler teammate James Farrior tearing up the surf off the Big Island. And I don’t know why, I know it’s just a picture, but I have a feeling that Porter’s gonna take that happy thumb of his and shove it right up my ass.
After the Dolphins beat the Broncos on Sunday, Miami linebacker Joey Porter did his usual thing of blasting hot air from his mouth, lobbing accusations of softness and mental weakness at Denver wideout Brandon Marshall, who had only two catches for 27 yards.
Marshall has now responded to those allegations, using the “I’m-rubber-you’re-glue” defense.
“Joey Porter is one of those guys who, when you’ve got one of those guys that talk a lot of trash and just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities. His insecurities, I don’t know, but he’s definitely one of those guys who, you know, all those muscles are popcorn muscles, he’s soft. We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him you know, in night clubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl or on the playground getting beat up in California. He’s one of those guys that you know, no matter how big he is can get knocked on his butt. He’s soft, he’s soft at heart and you can tell by the way he’s talking. His nickname is Peezy, I don’t know what “Peezy” is, Joey.
The problem with calling Porter jackass is that he’s fueled by perceived slights. So even though he constantly acts like a jackass, if you call him a jackass it gives him mystical powers. He’s probably lifting a Ford F-150 over his head right now.
Joey Porter and market analysis go together like dead puppies and ice cream, so when the NFL linebacker dispensed some financial advice yesterday, we were compelled to take notice:
“I’m about to go dig a hole in my back yard and put it in my back yard where I can see it,” Porter said Monday. “I don’t like this stock stuff. I don’t like not being able [to rely on] this bond and that bond. Everything’s funny. I don’t trust nothing.”
Porter is in the second year of a five-year, $32 million contract that includes $20 million guaranteed.
The 31-year-old from Bakersfield, Calif., has been glued to the financial reports, trying to get an idea of how much he’ll have left in his portfolio. “I can’t do nothing but watch,” Porter said. [...]
“I try not to worry about it. That’s my financial advisor’s job to take care of that, but … We’re in a crisis right now. I’m just trying to hold on. At the end of the day, hopefully, he’ll tell me I’m not broke.”
Because if his financial advisor told him that, he would be the one buried in Porter’s backyard.
Ah, Joey Porter. Backer of lines, talker of trash, bagger of douche. As you may know, the ex-Steeler has mixed it up with former AFC Central rival Kellen Winslow in the past, and with Winslow's Browns playing Porter's Dolphins this weekend, the linebacker re-opened the war of words.
"He's a receiver, really," Porter said. "He's not a tight end, because he's not going to block anybody. If you ask me who's going to win the Joey Porter-Kellen Winslow battle: Me."… "It really hasn't been a war," Porter said Wednesday. "It's been one-sided. I've never lost to him. It's like me picking on my little brother."
And then Winslow was all:
"I'm not into the individual-battle thing," he said. "It's a team thing. We're 2-3 and they're 0-5 and we're looking for a win. He doesn't have to worry about me. He should be worried about the team concept. They're 0-5 right now." … "I think Joey Porter needs a hug," Winslow said, smiling. "He's so angry, man."
I'm actually impressed at how stupid Joey Porter is. I thought he might be quiet after guaranteeing a win over Oakland (didn't happen), but no: he really is the dumbest rat in the lab. And to get burned by Kellen Winslow… Kellen Winslow destroyed his knee riding a motorcycle and famously called himself a "soldier" for playing football. It's not like Winslow is Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker. I swear to God, most office staplers could win a debate with Joey Porter.
Joey Porter was fined by the NFL this week for his altercation at a Las Vegas casino earlier this year:
The [Dolphins] team said Friday that Porter has to pay $141,176 for punching Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones on March 18 after a disagreement in the Palms hotel-casino . . . Dolphins coach Cam Cameron said Porter met with him shortly afterward and apologized. Cameron said the league and team would not punish Porter further, despite NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's recent crackdown on player misbehavior.
Certainly, $150k seems like a lot of money, especially to a lowly assistant editor who receives only thimbles full of whiskey as payment, but Joey's making $32 million over the next five years from Miami. Has Roger Goodell's first off-season already exasperated him to the point where he sits glassy-eyed behind his desk, mumbling to himself like an abused substitute teacher? First, he reduces Jared Allen's suspension, and now a mere fine for Porter. Next we'll see league-mandated Humane Society public service ads by Michael Vick, and all is forgiven. -KD
