This video is nearly 17 minutes long and is incredibly boring — at one point the cameraperson seems to forget they’re taping a competition at all and just films peoples’ shoulders — but it’s necessary to illustrate Joey Chestnut’s remarkable win at the 2012 Buffalo Wing Festival, and punctuate what a gross f**king human being he is.

Joe took in almost eight goddamn pounds of chicken wings to set the course record, defeating the second place finisher by over a pound of chicken and third place by over two. How depressing is it when you eat over five pounds of food in 12 minutes and finish third? The bar is set too high. Here’s the final tally:

Joey Chestnut: 7.61 pounds
Sonya Thomas: 6.36 pounds
Juliet Lee: 5.36 pounds

Be sure to stick around until the very end, when Chestnut has his hand raised by a guy in a king’s robe and a chicken wing hat like he’s on the Bozo Show. That’s the kind of special touch that makes the competitive eating world’s crowns so prestigious. Also, the ring girls in high-waisted mom shorts.

If you’re wondering how long it takes to shit out a newborn-baby’s-worth of fried food, here’s an important Twitter update from the world champion:

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Like millions of Americans, there was a time when I thought that competitive eating was awesome. I’ve also loved poker, Hooters swimsuit pageants, World’s Strongest Man competitions, American Gladiators, MySpace, and The Office. The problem is that when something gains a great deal of popularity in a relatively short time, the people behind a pop cultural phenomenon never know when to say, “Stop.”

I don’t see the charm, anymore, in watching Joey Chestnut practically suffocate while devouring 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. And no, it’s not because I think we should be more concerned with all those starving people in Africa our own country. Obviously, we should, but the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest doesn’t exactly make me lose the most sleep. And no, it’s not because a bunch of protesters showed up to Coney Island and apparently want us to eat kittens. I couldn’t anyway, I’m allergic. I’d just like it if for every eating contest we hosted, we also held two math contests or two engineering fairs.

But instead of rambling on about how embarrassing it is that competitive eating has become synonymous with America’s Independence Day – even our baseball teams welcome it now – I’ll at least enjoy the fact that approximately 5,000 miles away, an eating contest brought happiness to our armed forces and their families at the U.S. Army Garrison in Baumholder, Germany. I just wish their contest could have been at Coney Island, too.

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You know you’re in dangerous territory when the mascot starts facepalming.

Another Independence Day has come and gone, and with it must come and go our contractually obligated coverage of the Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest. Joey Chestnut took home his sixth consecutive championship and $10,000 for an effort that saw him eat nearly seven hot dogs per minute for ten minutes. It’s the kind of performance that makes you swell with pride or vomit, or possibly both.

The 28-year-old San Jose, California, man nicknamed “Jaws” scarfed down 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes in the sweltering summer heat to take home $10,000 and the mustard yellow belt. He bested his main rival by 16 dogs.

“I feel good, it was a great win,” Chestnut said after the contest, adding he wished he could have eaten a record number of hot dogs for the audience. “I tried my best. I’m looking forward to next year already.” (via Associated Press)

Full video of the contest is below, if you had to go to a wedding or your DVR went on the fritz or something and you couldn’t watch it. Also included is the facepalm-worthy clip of New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg rattling off every single hot dog pun known to man, causing even an anthropomorphic hot dog to be embarrassed for him. Choice quote: “Who wrote this shit?”

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Yesterday, my Uproxxian colleague, DangerGuerrero, brought us the results of the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship, but today the news is about controversy. As you can see in the video below, American hero Joey Chestnut won the official competition by housing 62 dogs in 10 minutes. Alas, as is always the story with Major League Eating, there is a great deal of controversy. Former champion and current MLE outcast Takeru Kobayashi was unable to compete head-to-head with Chestnut because he has been banned from MLE events for refusing to sign an exclusive contract. So instead of sitting in exile and eating food like a normal person, Kobayashi held his own Nathan’s Hot Dog satellite event from a rooftop in Manhattan. According to Kobayashi and his video evidence, he not only beat Chestnut’s 62 dogs, but he broke the world record by eating 69 weiners in 10 minutes. Better luck next year, your sister.

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One of America’s more subtle and nuanced July 4th traditions is the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest held every year at Coney Island, where competitors jam as many wieners into their mouths as they can in ten minutes in front of a screaming crowd. [Joke about one of the reader's female relatives here.] BOOMROASTEDORSOMETHING. Anyway, this year the event was again won by American Joey Chestnut, his fifth consecutive victory. Chestnut ate 62 hot dogs during the ten minute time period, holding off challenger Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti, but falling short of his world record of 68.

At this point, let’s take half a step back and think about something. Sixty-two hot dogs. Sixty-two. In ten minutes. Holy moly.

To give you an idea how many hot dogs that is, I’d like to tell you a story. A couple times a year, my precious Philadelphia Phillies will hold a “Dollar Dog” night, where hot dogs cost $1 throughout the game. Back when I was in college, some friends and I thought it would be awesome to try to eat one per inning, for a total of nine (9) hot dogs. I made it to the 6th inning and promptly threw up everywhere. (One of my friends, who weighed over 300 lbs at the time, got through all nine and then threw up on the way home.) And while I’ve never been the biggest eater in the world, that still means I couldn’t get 10% of the way to the record in 12x the time. That’s ridiculous.

In conclusion, I bet Joey Chestnut poops like a dinosaur.

Sonya Thomas has been a hot name on the professional food eating circuit as of late. Known to her opponents as the Black Widow, Thomas holds various records for chicken wing competitions, but none is greater than her newest record of woofing down 181 wings in 12 minutes at the National Buffalo Wing Festival on Sunday. But the most remarkable feat – unless you’re just simply floored by a woman who can eat five pounds of chicken without chewing – was who she defeated while setting the record. World hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut could only stand there and watch as Thomas bested him by 12 wings. Clearly a milestone in the women’s bowel lib movement.

Thomas has 38 records for 35 foods, and her most recent accomplishment prior to the Buffalo Wing Festival was on July 15 in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where she housed 53 Taco Bell soft tacos in 12 minutes. She’s also single as Pitch.com points out, which is great news for anyone in the market for a 105-pound 42-year old woman who probably sets a personal record for Dutch ovens every day.

But is competitive eating a sport, Black Widow?

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