The Red Sox signed Joel (not "Joel" — Zho-elle!) Pineiro away from the Mariners during the offseason with the questionable notion of making him their closer. I say questionable because closers are known for having badass facial hair and low ERAs, and Pineiro has a delicately manicured pencil-thin beard and is coming off of consecutive seasons with an ERA of over 5.60.
Another thing closers have: fucking badass entrance music (last item).
Reliever Joel Pineiro had teammates howling yesterday with his weight-room music mix, which included a steady diet of ballads and love songs from the likes of Air Supply, Wham, and Berlin.
Flash forward to early June. The scene: Fenway Park. The Red Sox cling to a ninth-inning lead as the heart of the Yankees' lineup comes to the plate. The first two batters get on base. Sox manager Terry Francona gets on the phone: Give me Pineiro. As Pineiro and his 1.648 WHIP make the slow walk to the mound…
You put the boom-boom into my heart! / You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts / Jitterbug into my brain / Goes a bang! bang! bang! 'til my feet do the same
And 39,000 drunk Sox fans make Fenway the loudest venue in sports. Or not. Whatever, it's no less gay than "Sweet Caroline."