"Get the hoses ready!"

For all the time that we spend criticizing athletes for the way they use Twitter, we don’t commend them nearly enough. Case in point, during last night’s 27-7 thrashing of the Cincinnati Bengals, New York Jets legend Joe Namath took time away from supporting his team to point out how nice it is when rain makes contact with the skin of cheerleaders. Tweeted Namath:

First of all, I feel like a complete boob for not knowing that Namath had a Twitter account. But at the same time I am disappointed that I haven’t heard more controversy stemming from his account. We all have to start somewhere, though, and thankfully now I know. And is there controversy over this Tweet? Of course there is.

Why, the New York Post is just flabbergasted by this atrocity.

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Everyone’s favorite flirty NFL quarterback-turned-trainwreck-turned-recovering-alcoholic has found himself in some deep doo-doo due to how his doggies have developed a taste for human flesh.

David Gunter, a former UPS driver, is now suing the NFL Hall of Famer for injuries he alleges were sustained when he was attacked by Namath’s three dogs – a German shepherd, Weimaraner and a Labrador retriever.

In the lawsuit, where Gunter is seeking $15,000 in damages, it is alleged that the attack has left him with “vicious and serious personal injuries” after one of the mongrels bit him on his calf. Gunter testified in Court before a special magistrate last month and claimed he “was basically in fear for his life.”

Namath, at the same court appearance, pleaded with the magistrate and argued that his dogs are of no threat to anyone. In fact, he has photos of the dogs with children! Sure, the kids look absolutely mortified, but in none of the photos are the dogs chomping down on one of the kids’ throats. That’s good enough for me.

Unfortunately for Broadway Joe, it was not compelling enough evidence for the magistrate. Although Stella the Weimaraner was acquitted of all charges and not deemed dangerous, Leo the Lab was not so fortunate. Leo cannot leave Namath’s residence without being muzzled and leashed and must be caged when people visit Namath’s home, not to mention the fact that Leo may cost Namath 15,000 smackeroos. In the end, this is just another example of the Man trying to keep the Black Lab down. via.

Oh.  Hello.  I’m sorry, were you not expecting to see Joe Namath in a towel with Farrah Fawcett today?  What about Sylvester Stallone punching Muhammad Ali at Planet Hollywood? What about heavyweight champion Lenox Lewis with alcoholic-era Kerry Collins with porn star Heather Hunter with a Baldwin brother in a ‘do rag?  Did I just blow your mind?

Yesterday, Life Magazine made life awesome for the Internet-having public by opening up its photo archives on Google.  Ball Don’t Lie already scored Billy Baldwin with the Knicks City Dancers, and in fact a mere search of “Baldwin” opens up a trove of gold.  You should also see what Big League Stew turned up on Joe DiMaggio.

Below are some of my favorites.  Andre Agassi with hair.  College-age Wilt Chamberlain with white girls at Kansas.  Agassi with Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzky at an event for the All Star Cafe.  Jesus, do you remember the All Star Cafe?  What a tremendous failure.  I love it.

I'm too young and handsome to remember the 1970s, but apparently the Cowboys' Roger Staubach suffered frequent comparisons to the Jets' Joe Namath.  And as Staubach confirmed in this 1975 interview, even though he had foregone the swinging bachelor's life, he liked sex just as much as Joe Namath. 

It's just too bad Staubach was married.  Did you see all the rouge the interviewer was wearing?  It just screams, "Name your price. Put it anywhere."  Namath totally did her.

[Deuce of Davenport] 

As noted by the 18 people who emailed me about it (as well as the outstanding FilmDrunk) manly hunk Jake Gyllenhaal will play Joe Namath in a forthcoming biopic about the legendary Jets quarterback.

Namath OK'd the movie after… the belief that the athletic Gyllenhaal was the right actor to play him.  While other quarterbacks racked up bigger lifetime stats, Namath became the first football player to achieve rock-star status. The pic will tell the story of how the golden-armed kid from Beaver Falls, Pa., became Broadway Joe, the New York Jets quarterback who became a '60s cultural figure.

Hot Clicks is already trying to cast the role of Suzy Kolber, while a Kissing Suzy Kolber commenter long ago established that Maggie Gyllenhaal is the obvious choice.

As for Jake, he signed on right after they promised he could keep the pantyhose and rabbit fur coat from wardrobe.  And lots of practice under center.  And no stunt double for the dogpile scenes.  Oh man this is too easy.

As TheJetsBlog discovered, his year marks the 25th anniversary of a fabulous Joe Namath performance. And believe me when I tell you that nothing — nothing, not even Steve Allen jokes — can prepare you for Broadway Joe's Broadway debut.

This really makes me think about how much America and the NFL have changed over the years. Sure, it's one thing for Dreamboat to appear in his underwear on Saturday Night Live, but it's another thing to perform a song and dance revue in a sparkly tux. I just don't see something like this happening today.

Especially not from Joe Willie. As you can see from this picture I snapped of him on radio row in Miami a month ago, he's only slightly less hunched than Quasimodo. Begin the Death Watch.