By defeating the New England Patriots 21-17 last night in Indianapolis, the New York Giants are the Super Bowl XLVI Champions. *holds for applause* Chances are you watched the game and know that it started off boring, then got really exciting, had some old lady flopping around and later ended with Giants quarterback Eli Manning leading what has become his trademark in a 4th quarter comeback. Manning earned his second Super Bowl MVP and he should headline an offseason of stories not limited to but including:

• Is Eli better than his brother Peyton Manning now? And many lazy people will say yes because he has two Super Bowl rings.
• Is the era of Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots over? And the answer is no, because Tom Brady is still a badass.
• Has Gisele Bundchen’s god forsaken her? Probably.
• Where is Peyton going to play? Will he end up in Miami? Washington? With the New York Jets? The Toronto Argonauts? And the answer is Miami. It has to happen. I sacrificed way too many virgins to the gods this weekend.

And there will be other news and notes, but they’ll all irresponsibly gloss over the fact that on Saturday, Kate Upton, Chrissy Teigen, Erin Andrews and some other people who claim to be famous played in the sixth annual Celebrity Beach Bowl, and while nobody tried desperately to tear Upton’s shorts off like Tom Arnold did with Marisa Miller last year, she still managed to steal our hearts once again.

Also, Brooklyn Decker was at the GQ/Lacoste Super Bowl party with some guy who plays ping pong or something, so I included them so they don’t feel left out and cry. I’m a sweetheart.

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In news that should only be shocking to people who take diet pills, Reebok is paying $25 million to disgruntled athletic shoe enthusiasts after the U.S. Federal Trade Commission determined that the company’s RunTone and EasyTone shoes were sold with a mighty misleading ad campaign.

If you’re unfamiliar with the kicks in question, they’ve been marketed as shoes that women can wear to gain the benefits of exercise while they simply walk from the frozen dinner aisle to the ice cream samples. So how did they market such a foolish idea? By strapping these $100 cankle supports to exotic human masterpieces like Nicole Scherzinger and Kelly Brook.

David Vladeck, director of the FTC’s bureau of consumer protection said: “The FTC wants national advertisers to understand that they must exercise some responsibility and ensure that their claims for fitness gear are supported by sound science.”

(Via the Daily Mail)

Now you wait just a second. How can you say that Kelly Brook isn’t a walking example of sound science? Everything about her suggests that gravity is bogus. Next thing you’ll tell me is that wearing Sketchers Shape Ups won’t turn me into a Hall of Fame quarterback or a sex tape star.

But don’t worry, lazy fitness enthusiasts. I’ve found the solution to all of our problems and it’s so awesome and powerful that it makes CrossFit look like cross dressing.

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Jim Harbaugh has never seemed like a cruel monster, or even slightly mean, for that matter. But at yesterday’s San Francisco 49ers practice, he was the gosh-damned devil. Harbaugh decided that it would be fun for quarterback Alex Smith and the 49ers offense to re-create the classic touchdown pass from Joe Montana to Dwight Clark against the Dallas Cowboys in the 1982 NFC Championship Game. And that does sound fun for the guys, except for one small problem…

It’s Alex Smith.

And you don’t have to be Miss Cleo giving a lap dance to Nostradamus to guess how it turned out. But we’ll go ahead and play dumb and go through the steps first. For starters, the legendary “Catch” looked something like this…

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Joe Montana’s son, Nate Montana, decided to transfer from Notre Dame and go to the University of Montana to play some good ol’ Montana-Montana football. Montana’s Montana’s going to Montana. Montana. You know when you say a word enough, you start to analyze it and realize how funny it looks? It’s not happening yet, but it will after reading the rest of this post.

University of Montana athletic director Jim O’Day confirmed to the Missoulian Monday night that Nate Montana, son of NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana, has enrolled at the University of Montana.

“He’s enrolled as a student, and he started classes today,” O’Day said. “Then I would assume he’s a walk-on, because we have no (scholarship) aid as of this semester.”-Billings Gazette.

I wonder what the university’s pitch consisted of. “Hey Nate, it’s basically meant to be, bro. It was predestined to happen, so you might as well embrace it. Besides, you can pull in basically any girl here if you convince them you own the damn place. Yeah, they’ll be drunk enough.”

So, on the front of Nate’s new uniform, it will say “Montana,” and on the back of the uniform, it will ALSO say “Montana”? Whoa.

No word on what will happen to Hannah, Nate’s sister, and whether or not she will leave the University of Skank-Ass-Hoes to join her brother. They’ve got a great business program.

In all seriousness, Montana sucks. What’s up there besides crappy land and bears that want to eat you? The only place more seemingly desolate and depressing than you is Wyoming. That’s the most exciting thing between you two states: which one sucks less. You make me grateful I live in New Hampshire.

It was bad enough that Joe Montana had to beat my Bengals in the Super Bowl (twice, even). Now he has to ruin one of the greatest sports films ever made. Montana was asked earlier in the week about the film Rudy, which was based on a true story that happened while Montana was at Notre Dame.

Well, the crowd wasn’t chanting. No one threw in their jerseys. He did get in the game. He got carried off [at the end of] the game. [...] Back then they tried to play someone at the end of [the season] that all the seniors could get in the last home game. The schedule was kind of set that way.

So he got in. He did get a sack. And then the guys carried him off, just playing around. I won’t say it was a joke, but it was playing around. He worked his butt off to get where he was and to do the things he did. But not any harder than anyone else. –Dan Patrick, via Doc Sat.

The jerseys thing was old news–the real “Rudy”, Daniel Ruettiger, said as much on his website. But Montana’s account of Ruettiger being carried off the field already has been refuted by a teammate that was there. Whether it was the case or not, Rudy remains one of the great Little White Guy That Could movies ever. And if you don’t cry at the end of that film, then you have no soul. Or maybe you’re just really, really dehydrated. Either way, I don’t think we can be friends.

Legendary quarterback Joe Montana is suing his ex-wife for auctioning off love letters and various thingamajigs from his college days at Notre Dame.  From The Smoking Gun:

Montana, 51, claims that the sale of the assorted items–which were auctioned last weekend by a Dallas, Texas firm–violated his copyright and privacy rights. In a U.S. District Court complaint, Montana names Kim Moses, his first wife, and Heritage Auction as defendants. As seen on the following pages, the collectibles offered for sale (which apparently were consigned by Moses, the athlete's hometown sweetheart) included Montana's freshman I.D. card; the Moses-Montana 1974 marriage certificate; a letter to Moses penned on a Ziggy card; an "I Love You" note; and a letter Montana wrote to Moses's parents describing his first year on the Notre Dame football squad.

In what is probably just the sweetest thing ever, the Ziggy card has Ziggy sitting by himself on a teeter-totter, and Joe (aka "JoJo" in the love note) made sure that Ziggy had a thought bubble that says, "I miss you!"  Poor Ziggy.  Always so lonely.  Someone oughta take him to the strip club.  Nothing cheers up friendless losers like a lap dance.