Baseball season is officially upon us, and that means only one thing — the return of The Dugout, the Internet’s longest running and most critically acclaimed webcomic about baseball players with pun screen names pretending to curse at each other over AIM. Yes, this is still a thing.

And to celebrate Major League Baseball splitting Opening Day up into like 40 smaller, less important games over the span of a month and at least one ceremony meant to humiliate Muhammad Ali, the normal Spring Training event we like to do has been replaced by Opening Days, a Dugout maxi-series that will span all 25 teams and let you find out what your favorite players are up to in 2012.

There are still only 25 teams, right? Well, 25 important ones. Or was that 5 important ones?

Anyway, whether it takes me a month or I’m still writing Opening Days segments into 2013, here’s episode one: The Tampa Bay Rays.

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For absolutely no reason, welcome to our new weekday feature All Avril Afternoons, where Burnsy and I choose to sit inside and write about Avril instead of running around barefoot in the grass and enjoying what’s left of our youth. Up first is a foul-mouthed transcript from pop-hornstress Avril Lavigne’s most recent visit to Tampa and their Rays, wherein she throws out the first pitch and says a lot of curse words. She’s known to do that. She’s a fountain of forced obscenity, and the only thing plugging her up is the word “like.” And maybe Brody Jenner.

But yeah, this is a music and celebrities site so we’ll move on to The Dugout, which follows after the jump. Be sure to drop a comment and join the ever-growing Dugout community, then head over to Facebook and “like” us for non-stop, exclusive Avril Lavigne discussion.

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Most of the time The Dugout is intended as comedy, but now that I’m in charge of With Leather I am extremely interested in turning The Dugout into a marketable brand. That means an emphasis on new media, a reworking of the strip’s basic content, and the integration of serious, analytical game recaps. What you’re about to read is the first of those, wherein I forget the comedy and just recap what happened in the 9th inning of Tuesday’s game at Progressive Field.

This is simply copy and pasted from last night’s live blog, so if you missed it, here’s your chance to relive an essentially meaningless mid-May match-up between a team who is probably not going to be this good at the end of the season and the CLEVELAND INDIANS. Today’s play-by-play blog follows.

Note: A special thanks goes out to Pat of Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke? for winning my “give Kelly Shoppach a screen name that hopefully isn’t about shopping” Twitter contest.

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/glare

Something’s not quite right about baseball season this year. Maybe it needs time to settle. The Baltimore Orioles are 4-0. The Tampa Bay Rays added some big name free agents to their roster and they’ve yet to win a game. Cats and dogs are living together. Mass hysteria.

Whatever the problem, it’s time for the Rays to come together and figure out how to start winning ball games. Tonight they take on the Angels, and because you have never heard a joke about how long that team’s name is before, here is another one: The Los Angeles California Angels of the West Coast of the United States Area Code 90012 But Actually Anaheim.

Today’s Dugout follows.

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Dear. God. I mean, I dig the song, “Tangled Up In Plaid” by QOTSA, but this is ridiculous. You know, come to think of it, “BRayser,” which Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon coined to provide a name to these horrific atrocities, is perhaps the only term in the so-called MLB Fashion Lexicon, which I guess you could say is a good thing. Keep yer hoity-toity world of fashion out of my baseball, daggummit! Der takin’ Southeast Asian child laborers’ jerbs!

Manager Joe Maddon boasted Monday about the team’s custom-designed BRayser (that’s Rays and blazer, get it?) that will be mandatory dress on the upcoming West Coast road trip. “They’re fabulous,” he said. “They met with everybody’s approval.” Local fashion designer Julia Alarcon did the creative work, with Rays TV man Todd Kalas coordinating the months-long project. via.

Ha. BRayser. I guess this sort of shortsighted style scheme should come as no surprise coming from Maddon. He is, of course, the same fifty-something who dyed his hair black back in 2009 to “lighten the mood” in the clubhouse. Nevertheless, despite his previous fashion risks, I have to give a thumbs down to this garish exercise in plaid. It looks like the mutated offspring that would be born if Craig Sager could somehow figure out a way to impregnate my grandma’s couch.

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BJ Upton did his best Scrappy Doo impression after teammate Evan Longoria got all up in his grill. Longoria felt that Upton didn’t give 110% when going after center field drive in yesterday’s 2-1 loss to the Diamondbacks. I haven’t seen an argument so heated since me and my buddy debated whether Wendy’s or McDonald’s had the better dollar menu. Obviously, it’s Wendy’s.

Rays center fielder B.J. Upton and All-Star third baseman Evan Longoria nearly came to blows in the dugout today after Longoria took Upton to task for pursuing a ball in what Longoria felt was a cavalier fashion.

After Arizona’s Rusty Ryal hit a ball into the gap between left and center field in the top of the fifth inning, Upton appeared to pursue it at less than full speed. Ryal motored to third for a triple, a key base to attain with just one out. Gerardo Parra rendered that somewhat moot by following with a two-run home run to provide the winning margin.

Between innings, Longoria approached Upton about the play and the two had several verbal exchanges. Teammates had to restrain Upton after Longoria walked away. –USAToday

Rays manager Joe Maddon said that Longoria’s actions represented a feeling that was shared with his teammates. The two must have had a pretty serious heart to heart, as both have said that beef has been squashed. The Rays HR department had Dick Vitale arbitrate the conflict resolution. “You guys are both awesome with a capital A! Let’s all be PTP-ers and have a calm discussion where we talk about our feelings! Evan, how did BJ’s play make you feel?” They should send Dickey V to the West Bank to find a peaceful resolution to that crisis. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »