If real life carried hashtags, there would be a big #whitepeopleproblems at the end of every story about David Ortiz flipping his bat after a home run and pissing off the Yankees. The way people have been reacting you’d think he flipped his bat, punched Mark Teixeira in the dick on the way around, blew a kiss to A.J. Burnett on his way past third and toppled a makeshift set of Red Sox-played bowling pins as he pantomimed an exploding bomb at home plate. Nope, he basically just did what he always did, and even the smallest charismatic outbursts must be smothered to death by Major League Baseball.

Before you read today’s Dugout, click the hashtag up there and catch up on the story. When you’re done, be sure to hop over to Facebook and “like” The Dugout, so you can have an additional page on the Internet where I’m begging you to leave comments.

Today’s Dugout follows.

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As the Chicago White Sox have joined their North Side counterparts, the Chicago Cubs, in being eliminated from the playoffs, media speculation has once again turned to Mouth of the South Side, Ozzie Guillen, and his future with the White Sox. Guillen and Sox GM Kenny Williams famously hate each other, so the rumor mill is heating up over the decision that owner Jerry Reinsdorf will eventually have to make, between Guillen and Williams. And the man he doesn’t choose… DIES! MUAHAHAHAHA *coughs, hacks up lung butter*

Reinsdorf has yet to make any inclination of personnel changes, but the local media seems to believe that Guillen is as good as gone, despite recently winning a World Series and all that stupid stuff. Guillen is under contract through 2011 and has a team option for 2012, however he has hinted that if the White Sox part ways with him, he’ll be more than happy to take the Cubs manager job. The man just wants to be loved, damnit. Is that so much to ask?

Hey Ozzie, won’t you babble a bunch of nonsense at us and make us feel dumber in the process?

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During the ninth inning of last night's Orioles-Yankees game, New York manager Joe Girardi disagreed with the called third strike on Jason Giambi, quite possibly the first iffy call in history to go against the Yankees in Yankee Stadium.  What followed was the ol'-fashioned yell-stomp-throw-kick leading to an ejection (and soon after, a game-winning rally) — and the home crowd went bonkers for it.  Other things the home crowd loves: Derek Jeter, chinstrap beards, and calling people "faggot."

[Sliding into Home via Sporting Blog]

The Cubs have mysteriously passed on Northwestern grad, Chicago native, former Cub, and well-muscled badass Joe Girardi in order hire Lou Piniella as their new manager. Early reports are that Piniella will make in the neighborhood of $3 million a year.

I understand that Sweet Lou is a great manager who has won the World Series and the AL Manager of the Year twice and gets pissed off at the umpires and stuff, but it still doesn't quite make sense to me. I mean, Joe Girardi is a badass. Joe Girardi would beat the shit out of you, take the cash out of your wallet, then extend the courtesy to leave your driver's license and credit cards in the pool of your blood. Lou Piniella would just pick your pocket like the Spanish-speaking guinea that Steve Lyons tried to warn us about.

Northwestern alum Joe Girardi got fired for having the gall to politely confront Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria two months ago. And it's about time, I say. I don't care if you start 8 rookies, and your team's payroll is 7% of the Yankees' payroll, then you miraculously get 78 wins out of the team while it vies for a playoff spot. You don't disrespect a team's owner. Rich assholes have feelings too!

Just kidding. Marlins fans — if such a group of people exists — should hunt Loria down and flatten his testicles with meat tenderizers. And dig out his eyes with claw hammers. And beat him with aluminum bats until his skin splits and his ruptured internal organs spill out on the street.

Sorry, I don't have a joke here. That guy really is a fuckhead and deserves to die. How does a thin-skinned, tight-fisted asshole get rich enough to own a baseball team in the first place? Because I've tried that method, and I'm not rich at all. I still have to mix my Thunderbird with bleach just to make it last an extra night.