Can I borrow the giant Mila cutout when you're done?
Last week, I briefly discussed how ABC should be giving us more Jimmy Kimmel before NBA Finals games than what we’re currently getting. Basically, I want all Kimmel and none of the so-called experts. Give me 100% humor, charm, and celebrities with 0% bargain bin analysis and fart-sniffing pseudo-insight with Mike Wilbon suddenly pretending like he hasn’t spent the last 5 months crapping all over the Miami Heat.
Kimmel proved that he can give us quality comedy wrapped in an NBA theme when he had Roy Hibbert, Jeremy Lin, and the world’s most adorable $3,000 French bulldog on, but last night the talk show host delivered pure gold.
Supporting their new film Ted, Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis reminded us that they’re very good looking. More specifically, Kunis once again looked very much like a girl that should meet my mother, especially as she adorably shot granny-style 3-pointers.
Regardless of these seemingly unrelated facts, Jimmy Kimmel has teamed up with actor Gary Oldman for ‘Actors Against Acting Athletes’, a public service announcement telling professional athletes to stay the f**k out of movies. Not sure if this is in response to Kevin Durant’s Thunderstruck trailer, but it might as well be. For every Dan Marino in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective there are ten Howie Longs in Firestorm.
Actually, both of those were pretty terrible. Let ‘em have it, Stansfield:
Indiana Pacers center and Parks and Rec guest star Roy Hibbert joined free agent Jeremy Lin on Jimmy Kimmel Live the other night for a segment called Skype Scavenger Hunt, and the whole thing (included after the jump) was fantastic, because Hibbert and Lin have great personalities and Kimmel has a strange way of bringing out the best in people.
But the star of the clip is Nala, Hibbert’s $3,000 French bulldog. Look at that derpy little face! God, I just want to grab that little pooch and put it in a Baby Bjorn and stand outside of Kate Upton’s apartment with it. Normally I’d scoff at throwing down 3 grand for a pet, but this appears to be a very acceptable investment.
More importantly, though – and this is the real reason that I’m mentioning this clip two days later – it kills me how well Kimmel has proven time and again that he can take even the most boring athletes and make them seem lovable, yet ESPN and ABC treat us to the same, boring pre-game coverage. Sure, ABC gave us a little Kimmel before Game 1, but there should be an entire one-hour segment with his name on it before Game 2.
Instead we’ll probably have Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith shouting at each other again. Hooray.
UPROXX Live Q&A With ‘Archer’s’ Amber Nash And Lucky Yates, AKA The Voices Of Pam Poovey And Doctor Krieger - “Is Lucky your real name, or do people call you that because of the time you slipped in pee-pee and got a structured cash settlement?” [UPROXX]
Here’s The Mitt Romney/Eminem Mashup You’ve All Been Waiting For - On the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down. [UPROXX]
5 Artists You Missed At SXSW While Waiting In Line To See Rick Ross - Rick Ross should’ve performed all four seconds of his verse from ‘Monster’, threw up his hands, yelled “THANK YOU AUSTIN” and disappeared. [Smoking Section]
Michael Bay And Michaelangelo Respond To The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Kerfuffle - “Relax, friends, I’m working with a guy in a TMNT shit from Hot Topic and he and I think aliens are awesome, so shut up. The first draft of our script is just the words ‘green explosion’ written on 150 sheets of paper.” [Gamma Squad]
Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch would like to report a Ninja Turtle sodomy - Meanwhile, ’3J’ from ‘Family Matters’ would like to report that he is extremely hungry. [Film Drunk]
5 Bleak British Television Series That Will Kick In Your Pretty American Teeth - ‘Fawlty Towers’ should be on here, that sh*t was bleak. Poor Basil Fawlty can’t get one second of peace in his entire life. [Warming Glow]
The Cast Of “American Pie”: Then & Now - This is just an excuse to juxtapose Tara Reid photos, isn’t it? Also, Shannon Elizabeth needs to start aging somewhere other than the neck. [Buzzfeed]
Kimmel Unveils Rick Santorum-Approved Pornography - Not looking forward to this guy being President and me having to masturbate with a handful of gravel. [HuffPost Comedy]
Modern-Day Icarus - Not interested in seeing this guy’s contraption again unless he’s plummeting down a cliffside during a mission in Red Dead Redemption. [High Definite]
10 Skateboarding Sneakers For People Who Can’t Stand Skateboarders - My awesome David Otunga-style argyle Vans better be on here somewhere. [Brobible]
16 Celebrities With Mustache Eyebrows - The Internet, ladies and gentlemen. [The FW]
Remember the young “Good Samaritan” Arizona Diamondbacks fan who selflessly gave a ball to a crying little boy who’d dropped it? Well, that kid has taken the next step toward officially becoming Quiz Kid Donnie Smith by appearing on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” alongside the whimpering little reprobate to continue receiving prizes and accolades for a common act of human decency that just so happened to be caught on camera. The boys (who sound like Harry Potter characters: Ian McMillan and Nicholas Goodfellow) got some We Say The Darnedest Things laughs from the studio audience and were given not only season tickets to the remaining Diamondbacks games, but Jimmy Kimmel “baseball hall of fame” plaques denoting them as “Kid Who Gave A Ball To Another Kid” and “Kid Who Was Given A Ball By Another Kid”.
Check out the video below, with a tip of the autographed bat to Big League Stew.
I’ve got to ask, if the Good Samaritan kid is the one who made the grand gesture, why does the crying kid keep getting applauded, too? Good Samaritan gets an autographed bat, crying kid gets a bat. Good Samaritan kid gets to be on TV and get gifts because he did something cool, so the crying kid gets to come along and get lumped in. People (including Kimmel) tell Ian how happy they are that good things are happening to him, but barely-conscious crybaby Nicholas is getting all those good things, PLUS he’s got a Rickie Weeks ball from that Diamondbacks game. Just watch them, Ian is smiling, Nicholas doesn’t give a sh**. Doesn’t seem fair.
I guess Ian’s big reward when all this is said and done is not having his 15 minutes of fame be “I was a little bitch once and got presents”.
On last night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, L.A. Clipper Blake Griffin joined LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and Charles Barkley on the shortlist of NBA stars who’ve been humiliated at the Chuck E. Cheese’s version of basketball by Ricardo, a Los Angeles busboy who happens to be fantastic at Pop-a-Shot. To make it fair, Ricardo shot blindfolded, and even that wasn’t enough to stop him from sinking a last minute basket and going ahead of Griffin 57-60 in the closing moments. Griffin responded by sulking away and spending the rest of his tokens on Revolution X.
I think this is a great way to use our sports celebrities, especially when they play for the Clippers and don’t have anything to do for the last two months of the season. I’m throwing out a challenge right here, right now: Al-Farouq Aminu, I think I can kick your ass at Whack-a-Mole, and I’m willing to prove it on any late night network television show. Oh man, George Lopez is going to lose his f-ing mind when he sees how many moles I’ve whacked. You’re mine, Al-Farouq Aminu!