As news leaked yesterday that ESPN had produced a music issue of the network’s magazine that will hit stands on Friday, the spectrum of reaction ran from “Oh God why?” to “Wait, music, huh?” And while I would totally be on board with ESPN the Magazine publishing an issue dedicated to professional athletes who have acted like musicians and vice versa, this is instead just an exercise in athletes dressing up to look like popular musicians. I know, I don’t really understand it either.

Included in the issue, which features LeBron James on the cover with Dr. Dre, is an interview with Jimmy Iovine, the man behind the Beats by Dre headphones. He claims that LeBron James is a better athlete now than he was four years ago because of those headphones. Seriously. Additionally, there’s also a feature on Seattle’s new superstar emcee, Macklemore, who our own Josh Kurp wrote about yesterday.

But the real fun is had with the athletes, and it starts with Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte recreating Nirvana’s “Nevermind” album cover.

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I thought he was just a cereal box model, but apparently Jeff Gordon is a champion race car driver and B-Boy.

The breaking of dance occurred during the NASCAR “After the Lap” event in Las Vegas, a championship banquet referred to by the Las Vegas Sun as a “press conference on steroids” that plays out like the last 30 minutes of any Blue Collar Comedy Tour stop, right down having Bill Engvall sit there squinting and laughing while people around him try to be entertaining. The skinny (and white) from SB Nation:

Gordon said he started break-dancing in middle school because that’s what all the cool kids did. In fact, the four-time NASCAR champ said he’d sneak into the bathroom and break-dance every morning before school, because they weren’t allowed to dance in the hallways.

You can check out video of the hip-hoppery after the jump, but be aware that at no point during the clip does he accidentally kick Bill Engvall in the face.

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Jimmie Johnson’s Chase for the Sprint Cup isn’t going so well, but at least he’s passing and defeating Jimmy Fallon in a game of Jimmie Johnson’s Anything With An Engine on ‘Late Night With Jimmy Fallon’ this week. Anything features the same outlandish action you’d except from a seventh place finish in the Sprint Cup Series and all the overt stereotyping you’d expect from a NASCAR audience, including characters like motorized-toilet-riding sumo wrestler “Gotta Go San”.

Fallon is actually a downloadable character in the game, and hopefully if you press X enough times he stops racing and just stands there snickering to himself while everyone else finishes. Reviews of the game (which was released on Tuesday) call it fun and addictive, and no, I haven’t played it, so I guess biggest problem with it and with Fallon in the clip is the phrase, “it’s like Mario Kart for adults”. You know what else is like Mario Kart for adults? Mario Kart. I’ve had more adult fun playing Mario Kart Double Dash!! than I’ve had watching NASCAR, much less playing a NASCAR-guy-endorsed PS1 port of Wacky Wheels.

You can check out the clip from the Let’s Play archives after the jump, courtesy of From The Marbles.

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The greatest dynasty in pro sports right now is one that most sports fans could care less about. That would be the dynasty of the Hendrick Motorsports No. 48 Chevy Monte Carlo, fronted by California native Jimmie Kenneth Johnson. It’s a name so white you could spread peanut butter on it.

Johnson won his fourth consecutive NASCAR Sprint Cup Series title yesterday, and if it were not for ESPN’s deal with NASCAR, it’s fair to say that most of us would be totally unaware of it. Between an above-average NFL Sunday and the AMAs last night, Johnson’s achievement was the veritable tree falling in an empty forest. No driver has ever won four straight titles at that level. It’s only happened a couple times in other sports. But NASCAR doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of the sporting world as some other leagues do.

The worst thing of all of this is that Jimmie’s achievement will do almost nothing to bring new fans to NASCAR. Where’s the trendy jeans commercials? Where’s the fistfighting in pit row? This guy, as great as he is, is boring. And though four straight cups might be impressive, and it is, its significance in sport isn’t nearly as grand as its inconceivability.

ASYLUM POLL: How big a sports star is Jimmie Johnson?

Note to Sprint: yes to corporate bikinis, no to corporate firesuits

So… yeah.  I’ve gotten so used to not covering NASCAR that I didn’t spend a single word on Jimmie Johnson’s third consecutive Sprint Cup victory.  He’s the only driver to win three straight Sprint Cups, although noted badass Cale Yarborough once won three straight Winston Cups, and I’m told that’s the same thing, even if you can’t smoke cellular phone service.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

Anyway, I can see people are getting upset because stock cars aren’t hybrids, so we’ll just go to the video.  After the jump, Jimmie reacts to a commentator asking him how he’s going to get it up.  Er, next year!  Wait, that came out wrong. He just wants to know about your erection — DAMMIT!

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won his second consecutive Nextel Cup NASCAR award thingy.  Prior to finishing seventh in yesterday's race at Homestead, Johnson had won four straight Chase races to all but seal the championship, a feat made even more impressive by the way Jeff Gordon drove this season.

Gordon, who finished second in the standings, won six races this year and set a NASCAR record with 30 top-10 finishes.  He also impregnated model Ingrid Vandebosch, who gave birth to his progeny.  Not bad for second place.

NASCAR has by far and away the shortest offseason of any sport, if you're one of those people who consider driving a sport.  I think the new season starts next week, actually.