From the desk of Why Does Anyone Ever Get Married In This Country Anymore: Jim Nantz will be shelling out almost a million dollars a year in alimony for the rest of his life, or until his ex remarries. Like I said: the rest of his life.

Nantz must pay $72,000 a month in alimony until either he dies or his ex-wife remarries, and another $1,000 week in child support for their 15-year-old daughter, Caroline, for the next two years.

Lorrie Nantz [pictured] will get the six-bedroom home in Westport the couple shared. –Boston Herald, via So Yoked.

I realize that there are a pockets of the gay community right now that are hoping to get these state-sanctioned bans repealed, and all I can say is: good luck. You have no idea what you’re in for. When Jim Nantz sneaks out to bang a 29-year-old, it’s a national travesty. But when it happens among same-sex couples, it’s called “Thursday.”

SI.com has an inexplicably shamelessly fawning interview with Jim Nantz [Note: it was conducted a year ago], in which the industry's leading provider of swimsuit-related masturbation material kindly provides Nantz the opportunity to fellate all things Augusta-related and to stick up for the shining perfection of sport that is golf. A sample:

SI: Are there steroids in golf?

JN: I would be shocked if there's anybody in professional golf doing that. Shocked. You hear, "They're hitting it so far." But golfers are not cheats. The guys up on the pedestal in our sport play by the rules. That's unusual in our society. It's beautiful.

SI: Not one guy using steroids?

JN: One guy can cause a scandal. The fans would be devastated. But there's not a scandal and there's not going to be one. We should not even breathe a hint of suspicion; it's a nonissue.

So there you go. Not only are golfers NOT using steroids; the mere thought of it is a complete abomination. Golf is fucking pristine! And let's not overlook this:

SI: Is the Masters better than the Super Bowl?

JN: Better than any event I could ever cover. People in my industry chuckle when I say that. They call it a momentary loss of sanity. But when a guy comes walking up the 72nd hole at Augusta, my heart gets going.

I understand that everyone's entitled to an opinion, and rich white people deserve to have a game they can play on nice days, but this is a crock. When it comes to approaching the excitement surrounding the Super Bowl, I can see arguments for the World Cup and the Olympics, maybe a World Series Game 7, certainly a Scarlett Johansson nude scene… but the Masters? Sure, it's better than the U.S. Open. But I'm not re-scheduling my Sunday afternoon of waking up at 3:00 p.m. and drinking Bloody Marys so I can watch it.

My mild dislike for Jim Nantz is quickly developing into full-fledged hatred.  Not only will he be co-hosting the "Super Bowl's Greatest Commercials 2007" with the lovely and talented Daisy Fuentes (#24 on the KD Dream-Mistress List), but he recently agreed with the two-week hiatus between Championship Sunday and the Super Bowl. 

“As a fan, I used to hate the two-week lead-in,” CBS play-by-play man Jim Nantz said in a teleconference call Tuesday. “But now, I don’t really see anyway around it. It seems everyone needs that extra week to prepare for everything that goes into the game."

Do you need an extra week?  I sure as hell don't.  I think I've heard enough of how much Manning and Urlacher respect each other.  Nantz is a Fred Couples wannabe who funds his golf habit by kowtowing to Billy Packer and every network executive that crosses his path.  Can we please have Vern Lundquist and Bill Raftery call the Final Four this year?  Wouldn't you love to hear "Sammy Mejia with the kissss!" rather than "Great recognition of the zone by Coach K, don't you think Billy?" -KD