College basketball is over, and while last night’s national title game was uglier than Hideki Matsui at 5 am, this was inarguably one of the more exciting tournaments in recent memory. And CBS capped off the festivities with Luther Vandross’s “One Shining Moment” yet again. You’ll remember that the network used Jennifer Hudson for last year’s montage, but then someone forgot to tell the Academy Award Winner that the performance wasn’t about her, but the NCAA tournament and the 60-some groups of young people playing in the games, and their respective shining moments. I could have done without Nantz’s “top dog” quip. The Masters haven’t even started yet and I’m already sick of that guy.

Jim Nantz of CBS Sports is a lot of things, unlike Saskatchewan-based restauranteur Jim Nance, who I find to be one-dimensional and pithy. But the renown sportscaster had some things to say about Tiger Woods, just a couple days after The Masters where all we did was hear about Tiger Woods. But instead of discussing the eminent Parade Of Whores, Nantz addressed an outburst of “language” that Tiger made during Saturday’s round.

“If I said what he said on the air, I would be fired,” Nantz, told Mike Francesa on New York’s WFAN. “I read in the USA Today and it was called ‘mild language.’ Someone on my broadcast dismissed it as him having a camera in his face.

“How about the father and son who are standing right there by the tee?” Nantz said.

Think of the children!

“How about the hundreds of people who are around that tee who hear that? How about the hundreds of letters I’ve gotten through the years from people who have been outraged at the language they’ve heard there and have written me and said, ‘Why don’t you guys ever say something about that?’” –Houston Chronicle.

My biggest gripe about tournament golf is that its participants just seem too happy to be there, too happy to finish 15th instead of taking a run at the lead. And if Nantz or anyone else at the eyeball has such a big problem with it, then the solution is really simple. Shut the mics off.

The media does this all the time; they jam a mic in a guy’s face and then get all bent out of shape when lollipops and rainbows don’t come spilling out. That hypocritical indignation needs to stop. Nantz’ job comparison is totally invalid; he earns his keep by sitting directly behind the microphone and watching everyone else. If he could break 70 at August, he could openly use whatever “language” came to mind.

From the desk of Why Does Anyone Ever Get Married In This Country Anymore: Jim Nantz will be shelling out almost a million dollars a year in alimony for the rest of his life, or until his ex remarries. Like I said: the rest of his life.

Nantz must pay $72,000 a month in alimony until either he dies or his ex-wife remarries, and another $1,000 week in child support for their 15-year-old daughter, Caroline, for the next two years.

Lorrie Nantz [pictured] will get the six-bedroom home in Westport the couple shared. –Boston Herald, via So Yoked.

I realize that there are a pockets of the gay community right now that are hoping to get these state-sanctioned bans repealed, and all I can say is: good luck. You have no idea what you’re in for. When Jim Nantz sneaks out to bang a 29-year-old, it’s a national travesty. But when it happens among same-sex couples, it’s called “Thursday.”

SI.com has an inexplicably shamelessly fawning interview with Jim Nantz [Note: it was conducted a year ago], in which the industry's leading provider of swimsuit-related masturbation material kindly provides Nantz the opportunity to fellate all things Augusta-related and to stick up for the shining perfection of sport that is golf. A sample:

SI: Are there steroids in golf?

JN: I would be shocked if there's anybody in professional golf doing that. Shocked. You hear, "They're hitting it so far." But golfers are not cheats. The guys up on the pedestal in our sport play by the rules. That's unusual in our society. It's beautiful.

SI: Not one guy using steroids?

JN: One guy can cause a scandal. The fans would be devastated. But there's not a scandal and there's not going to be one. We should not even breathe a hint of suspicion; it's a nonissue.

So there you go. Not only are golfers NOT using steroids; the mere thought of it is a complete abomination. Golf is fucking pristine! And let's not overlook this:

SI: Is the Masters better than the Super Bowl?

JN: Better than any event I could ever cover. People in my industry chuckle when I say that. They call it a momentary loss of sanity. But when a guy comes walking up the 72nd hole at Augusta, my heart gets going.

I understand that everyone's entitled to an opinion, and rich white people deserve to have a game they can play on nice days, but this is a crock. When it comes to approaching the excitement surrounding the Super Bowl, I can see arguments for the World Cup and the Olympics, maybe a World Series Game 7, certainly a Scarlett Johansson nude scene… but the Masters? Sure, it's better than the U.S. Open. But I'm not re-scheduling my Sunday afternoon of waking up at 3:00 p.m. and drinking Bloody Marys so I can watch it.

My mild dislike for Jim Nantz is quickly developing into full-fledged hatred.  Not only will he be co-hosting the "Super Bowl's Greatest Commercials 2007" with the lovely and talented Daisy Fuentes (#24 on the KD Dream-Mistress List), but he recently agreed with the two-week hiatus between Championship Sunday and the Super Bowl. 

“As a fan, I used to hate the two-week lead-in,” CBS play-by-play man Jim Nantz said in a teleconference call Tuesday. “But now, I don’t really see anyway around it. It seems everyone needs that extra week to prepare for everything that goes into the game."

Do you need an extra week?  I sure as hell don't.  I think I've heard enough of how much Manning and Urlacher respect each other.  Nantz is a Fred Couples wannabe who funds his golf habit by kowtowing to Billy Packer and every network executive that crosses his path.  Can we please have Vern Lundquist and Bill Raftery call the Final Four this year?  Wouldn't you love to hear "Sammy Mejia with the kissss!" rather than "Great recognition of the zone by Coach K, don't you think Billy?" -KD