Justice Is Served: Ryan Braun Left Out Of 2013 ‘Nice Jewish Guys’ Calendar

Written by Ashley Burns / 12.07.12

Last year, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun tested positive for an abnormally high level of testosterone and he was subsequently suspended for 50 games under Major League Baseball’s strict PED policies. But then a funny thing happened along the way to the laboratory – Braun’s urine samples were mishandled, rendering the league’s entire case against him moot on a technicality, and Braun’s suspension was lifted. The system that commissioner Bud Selig has relied on heavily to bandage the deep wounds of public perception caused by decades of drug abuse and league indifference had been defeated.

We’ll never know whether or not Braun was actually guilty of using PEDs, because if he did, then he’d presumably be wise enough to never use them again; if he didn’t, then obviously he wouldn’t suddenly start using them. But sports fans don’t operate under the same “innocent until proven guilty” mentality that supposedly serves as the core of the American justice system. Brewers fans continue to stand behind their star slugger, while non-Brewers fans will always label Braun a juicer.

And yes, there is no point in this recap of Braun’s tainted 2012, other than I really wanted to post this “Nice Jewish Guys” calendar and Braun’s the first guy I think of when someone mentions Jewish athletes. It used to be Robbie Gould, but it turns out that he’s not Jewish. I lost so many good jokes because of that revelation.

While it’s no Sexy Football Managers, and certainly not a Kelly Brook celebration of cleavage, “Nice Jewish Guys” is one of the more enjoyable novelty calendars you’ll see this week. At least your mother will like it.

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Rod Carew Should Be Banished From The National Baseball Hall Of Fame

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.07.12

For all the jokes we make about TMZ writers and their obnoxious use of ellipses, I have to admit that I shamefully enjoy it when they “report” random stories tongue-in-cheek. For example, yesterday they proclaimed to have “blockbuster” news about MLB Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew, and I was like, “Oh snap, did he murder someone? Is he pulling a Morgan Freeman and marrying his granddaughter? Is he finally becoming a professional wrestler?”

And I would have never guessed what TMZ was actually overusing the caps lock key about, because it wasn’t blockbuster at all.

Take off your yarmulke … put down that gin and tonica … ’cause Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew isn’t Jewish after all … despite the lyrics in Adam Sandler’s famous “Hanukkah Song.”

But when we ran into Rod at LAX this weekend, the baseball legend set the record straight .. he never actually converted back in the day.

Don’t worry, Rod says he and Adam talked about the mistake after the song was released … and the two even struck up a friendship over the mix up.

They “talked” about it? They struck a friendship? DAMN IT, ROD. You could have sued Sandler for everything before he ever had a chance to become famous and prevented this world from ever having to see Grown Ups or especially That’s My Boy.

Have you seen Jack and Jill, Rod? I have, and now knowing that you could have crushed Sandler years ago for lying about you and making millions of dollars in the process, I place a curse on your soul that you be forced to watch Just Go with It on every single plane flight for the rest of your life, and may that life be long and plentiful so you suffer while watching Brooklyn Decker act. You’ve earned this.

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Amar’e Faces Kosher Food Challenge

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.10.10

amare

As if newfound chosen son Amar’e Stoudemire didn’t already have enough on his plate, what with his decision to lead New York Knicks fans through the desert for at least the next five years, the star forward has been issued a challenge. Marc Gold wants to know just how Jewish Stoudemire really is. Having recently spent time in Israel tracing his Hebrew roots, Stoudemire has embraced his c’heritage and Gold – owner of Gold Food Products – wants to test his faith with a schtickle of kosher horseradish.

Gold’s challenge, should Stoudemire choose to accept it, is for the new Knick to take a tour of the Gold factory, where the horseradish is made, and to survive not only the production of the fakakta condiment, but also to devour a heaping serving on a nice chunk of matzoh. All without crying, vomiting or complaining, of course. But in fairness, he wouldn’t even be there if he wasn’t expected to complain about something. Probably the humidity, oy gevalt!

Let’s have a party and all dance the Hora, CNBC:

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