I’m not one of these people that interjects “Merry Christmas” whenever someone offers wishes of “Happy Holidays,” but I bet that most of you, especially our chosen readers, can handle this latest gem from Lakers big man Ron Artest, who was asked about Kobe Bryant’s ejection from Tuesday night’s game, which somehow led into a conversation about how Jesus would have fared in the NBA.

“It happened in the past, it happened in the present, it happened in the future,” Artest said. “Not just for him. All players (get ejected). That happens a lot of times. You see guys get ejected. Rip Hamilton got ejected (recently) in Detroit. Bob Cousy got ejected … The only person who never got ejected was Jesus.”

Artest was asked if he had checked Jesus’ box scores. “No ejections,” Artest said. “He was 10 for 10s, a lot of 20 for 20s (in shooting). Perfect from the free-throw line. Infinity rebounding stats.”

FanHouse, via The Basketball Jones.

I’m betting that Jesus probably would have hated sports, and it’s obvious why: he would have been terrible at them. He would have been a fourth line winger in the AHL if he was lucky, and even then he’d have to drop the gloves once and a while, and he hated that. Maybe not as much as he would have hated sitting next to an extremist on an airplane, but you get the idea.

A Florida man went to court in Alachua County recently to file for restraining orders against Tim Tebow, Barack Obama and Jesus. And strap on your Florida news helmet because that’s about the most normal thing that you will read in the rest of this post.

John D. Gilliand claims that he was kicked out of a Kangaroo gas station in Gainesville because he said that Tebow sucks. But according to his written court petition:

“I was trespassed from the Kangaroo Gas Station on University for saying T-Bo sucks,” Gilliand wrote in the petition for injunction for protection against repeat violence against Tebow. “I personally hate any type of exercise although I feel Billy Blanks has a wonderful video.” (Via Orlando Sentinel)

And that was just the first of three restraining order petitions that Gilliand filed, as he claims that Tebow, Obama and Jesus are all guilty of flashing gang signs at him. Clearly, Tebow and Jesus would be in the same gang, but the association of Obama is just absurd, because as one Gainesville pastor would likely point out, Obama is a communist Muslim, so there’s no way he’d be in a gang with Jesus and Tebow. I mean, if you’re going to be batsh*t insane, at least be logical about it.

Gilliand admits in his court documents that he did not attend the University of Florida, to which the judge dropped his monocle and fainted into a wheelbarrow full of horse manure. All three claims were dismissed, but Gilliand has appealed and is still trying to get restraining orders against Tebow and Obama, so it’s nice to see that Florida’s judicial system is still being put to good use.

On a side note, I tried to wrap my brain around Gilliand’s confusion of Tebow and Tae Bo and blood poured out of my nose.