“The New England Patriots are like AIDS, rape, cartoons I remember and also the latest tragedy. Laugh, everybody!”

TLDR version: Don’t let Dane Cook do anything ever.

Slightly longer version: Dane Cook is the karate of comedy. A lot of people hate him. At the same time, a lot of people love him 8 years ago. No matter what side you’re on, he’s a person of note, and is occasionally called upon to sign autographs. Sometimes a fan has a glossy 8×10 ready to go, but sometimes they don’t, and need him to sign their arm or their boob or their New England Patriots Tom Brady #12 football jersey.

Here is the story of what happens to that Dane Cook Tom Brady jersey. Via @MCEsoteric:

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The Toledo Mud Hens are celebrating Star Wars on May 4 and 5 by wearing Chewbacca jerseys. Sadly they’re just printed to look like Chewie’s chest and are not actually made out of 8 feet of Muppet hair, which would be the greatest promotion of all time.

It’s a cool promotion, but true Star Wars fans know that Chewbacca is a TERRIBLE baseball player. He can’t even get the ball over the plate. Video proof is after the jump. (h/t to Gamedayr)

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Links

‘I’m 11 And Pregnant’: 10 Very Revealing Age-Specific Google Autocompletes |UPROXX|

‘Game Of Thrones’ Houses, By Hotness |Warming Glow|

Razor-blade nipple tassel lady: The best Bond villain that never was? |Film Drunk|

Holy Sh*t, Three Legged Alligators Are Terrorizing The Zurich Classic |With Leather|

Here Are All The ‘Confirmed’ XBox 720 Games |Gamma Squad|

Barack Obama Pens Open Letter To Jay-Z, Reps DJ Khaled At Correspondence Dinner |Smoking Section|

It’s Time To Admit We Like Jay Cutler |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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That jersey is real. It exists, and people wear it when they play hockey. In real life.

It’s the warm-up jersey for 2nd Eishockey-Bundesliga’s Landshut Cannibals, a “second-tier league” that is totally and completely fine with local whorehouses putting their logos on everything. Their primary sponsor is Germany’s Lustra brothel, which you probably figured out when you saw a hockey jersey with nipple silhouettes and a big bone across the middle. Remember last week when I wrote about the Tulsa Oilers having a Batman night? These jerseys are exactly like those, except instead of Batman, they’re for people who pay for sex.

The Reddit user who shared the image didn’t snap a pic of the front of the jersey, but thanks to the folks at Puck Daddy we can verify that yes, they are exactly the same kind of bad:

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Or, “it’s the hockey team from Hell!”

Or, as Greg Wyshynski at Puck Daddy offered,

Hey, remember that scene in The Dark Knight when Batman said the difference between himself and the imitation vigilantes populating Gotham City was that he “wasn’t wearing hockey pads”?

I could make headline jokes all day, but the truth of the matter is that the Tulsa Oilers of the Central Hockey League are having “Batman Night” tonight, have temporarily renamed themselves The Gotham City Crusaders and are sporting Batman-themed jerseys. I’m not the world’s leading Batman expert or anything (that title goes to my good friend Chris Sims), but I’m excited to see these in action. The only way it could be more Batman is if the Tulsa Oilers stopped in the middle of the game and spend three weeks combing their arena for Riddler trophies. Or maybe the jerseys could have nipples. Again, not a Batman expert.

From TulsaOilers.com

On November 23, Gotham City and Tulsa citizens are invited to witness the squad of 18 crusaders as they take the ice dressed in Limited Edition Batman hockey jerseys created exclusively for this event and featuring the iconic Bat Signal. After the game, the game jerseys will be auctioned off in the ONEOK Club in the BOK Center.

In honor of this special event presented by Z-104.5 The Edge, Gotham City children 12 and under will receive free admission to the Crusaders game on November 23 at the BOK Center.

“This is a once in a lifetime chance for our fans and players to experience Tulsa hockey in a whole new light,” said Tulsa Oilers and Gotham City Crusaders General Manager Taylor Hall.

The other team should wear red hoods on the ice just to f**k with them.

Anyway, here are a few additional pics of the jerseys (from the Oilers, by way of Puck Daddy). I’d love them if they’d left off the abs. I’ll wear a $200 sweater with the Batman logo on it, but not one that looks like a bikini body shirt from Spencer’s Gifts.

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When I read “NBA Christmas Day jerseys,” I’m thinking James Harden in a Christmas sweater. You know, candy canes and reindeer. Not just a tank top from Michaels that has “ROCKETS” written across the front in Sharpie. (h/t to The Victory Formation)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

This Is Justin Bieber’s Alleged New Girlfriend, In Case You Weren’t Already Mad At The World |UPROXX|

Mary-Kate Olsen And Her 42-Year-Old French Boyfriend Enjoyed A Very Normal Moment This Weekend |Warming Glow|

MUST-WATCH VIDEO: Happy Madison’s Peter Dante urges LAX Bros to not be so Bro-y |Film Drunk|

Mel Gibson Caught A UCLA Basketball Game, Might Have Glanced At A Cheerleader |With Leather|

Five Reasons You Don’t Actually Want A Faithful “World War Z” Movie |Gamma Squad|

Event Recap: Crown Royal And Playboy Kick Off “Crown Royal Heroes Project” With Class |Smoking Section|

Philadelphia’s Andy Reid Hatred Has Gone Bilingual |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Jay-Z owns roughly 1/15th of 1 percent of the Brooklyn Nets, so he’s like the NBA’s equivalent of any of the 632 celebrities that Stephen Ross has sold Miami Dolphins ownership scraps to, but at least he’s thoroughly more relevant than Gloria Estefan. But for those who criticize Mr. Z – who has so many nicknames, yet I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say any of them – for just being there for zip, zazz and zorp, his role is apparently bigger than anyone, short of Deron Williams.

Jay has apparently been given the role of the face of the franchise, Mr. Flash and Flair, and I was under the assumption that was a given all along. But despite his inability to draw LeBron James as a free agent – because that was all his fault, according to the media – Jay brings an important knowledge of culture and, I hate myself for even writing this, swagger that has helped create such incredible buzz around something as simple as the Nets’ new uniforms*.

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