Woman, don’t STAAART with me!

Links

High Quality Comedy: 10 Hilarious “In Living Color” Skits - This list is awesome, but is missing 1) Please Mama, Don’t Eat The Government Cheese, and 2) the one where Jim Carrey can’t communicate because he clucks like a chicken. [Smoking Section]

Mr. T. Baby Unmasked! The Follow-Up Interview - The best thing to happen on the network since we interviewed the Lobster Dog. Babies are awesome when I don’t know them and aren’t sitting beside them on an airplane. [Film Drunk]

The Best Of Community’s Dean Pelton - I love Troy, I love Annie, but the Dean is the best part of the show. Dean dong! [UPROXX]

Oh, No: Academics Analyze ‘Jersey Shore’ - Sorta like what I do with Best and Worst of Raw every week, but with an increased chance of getting to sleep with J-WOWW. [Warming Glow]

Dog From Up In Real Life Discovered On A See-Saw - oh my god I want to hug him so hard [Film Drunk]

Happy Halloween From Shifty-Eyed Vigo the Carpathian - The greatest character in the history of movies. One of my career goals is to make a prequel film about him, but make it a dreary period-piece starring Keira Knightley and somebody. Also, to have sex with Keira Knightley. [Gamma Squad]

Things That Lasted Longer Than Kim Kardashian’s Marriage - The best so far is “Gary Coleman casket”, not for the joke, but because of the lack of apostrophe-s. [Buzzfeed]

Pyromaniac Cat Is Infatuated With Open Flame - My love is blind, can’t you see my desire? That’s the way love goes. [The FW]

Adult Swim’s Introduction to Cthulhu - If you want to learn more about Cthulhu, just go to Teefury.com every third day. Also a great way to learn about Doctor Who. [Adult Swim

10 Biggest Celebrity Wax Figure FAILS - I've never once stood beside a wax figure and thought "wow, they did a great job". It always looks like a Sears mannequin in slightly more-expensive clothes. [PopCrush]

If You Think You Hated Justin Bieber Before, He Has A Batmobile - Maybe they can cast him as Robin in a “The Dark Knight Returns” movie. He’d be perfect, wouldn’t he? [FARK]

Director Joe Dante’s 8 Favorite Scary Christmas Movies - I will listen to anything the man who directed Gremlins (and more importantly, Gremlins 2) has to say. [Moviefone]

If you don’t watch terrible television, you might not know that professional wrestling is obsessed with MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’. Is it because of the outlandish, over-the-top personalities? Is it because of the ethnic stereotyping and hand gestures? Are they just the only two shows low enough to share a denominator*?

Whatever the reason, the multi-verse Age Of Apocalypse crossover continues as TNA wrestling (the luminaries who brought you Pac-Man Jones as a tag team champion not legally cleared to wrestle) will bring on its third Jersey Shore castmate, Ronnie.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro gets in the ring with TNA’s IMPACT WRESTLING on SpikeTV! Star of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” makes his wrestling debut on Thursday, November 3. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, star of MTV’s megahit series, “Jersey Shore,” will bring his pumping fists and bravado into the wrestling ring on TNA’s “Impact Wrestling” airing exclusively on Spike TV Thursday, November 3 at 9:00pm ET/PT.

Crossing over with mainstream audiences is a major goal for pro wrestling, with Cyndi Lauper’s participation in WWF’s Rock N’ Wrestling 1980s and Mike Tyson’s interaction with D-Generation X and Stone Cold Steve Austin in the 90s being important turning points in the medium’s popularity.

Impact Wrestling’s first attempt to bring over the Shore audience was cast member J-WOWW, who called somebody a bitch and got into a catfight. They followed that up with an appearance from former housemate Angelina, who called somebody a bitch and got into a catfight. WWE upped the Shore game by bringing in Snooki for Wrestlemania, which she built to by calling somebody a bitch and getting into a catfight. I wonder what Ronnie will end up doing?

You can check out videos of those appearances below. You know, if you hate yourself.
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Links

25 Idiots Who Blamed Hurricane Irene on Gay Marriage - The only gay person responsible for a hurricane is Pat Patterson. Hopefully one day we’ll decide that disasters are caused by things that happen, not things we hate. [Buzzfeed]

Supercut: Stephen Colbert Dancing - Something to make you feel better on a Monday morning. Considerably better dancing than hurricane-causing Ellen. [Warming Glow]

31 Movie Teens You Wish You’d Actually Gone to High School With - Lauren Ambrose circa Can’t Hardly Wait. Next. [FARK]

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay - This week’s gallery is especially strong, thanks to appearances from Arcade AND Forbush Man. Cosplay is awesome when you do it right. [Gamma Squad]

Lil Wayne Takes a Shot at Jay-Z - Jay-Z is gonna be mad when he finds out Wayne said he never figured out how to love, thanks to all those crooks who kept trying to steal his heart. [Smoking Section]

6 Reason It’s OK to Like MTV’s Jersey Shore - Reason 1: Snooki did that Oompa Loompa cartwheel back elbow thing at Wrestlemania, and it was better than anyone assumed she could do. Reasons 2-6: unknown. [The Smoking Jacket]

The Venture Bros.’ 9 Most Musical Moments - What’s with everybody who makes good cartoons at Adult Swim deciding they also need to be rock stars? And furthermore, where is the Xavier double album? [Adult Swim]

The Best Fake Fast Food Chains - Does Arby’s count? [UGO]

The 10 Best Musical Performances of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - I honestly believe that Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young is a better musical act than most of the musical acts. Although I really like Neil Young. [Pajiba]

A Virtual Tour of Curb Your Enthusiasm Locations - Not exactly the world of the Na’vi, but still worth a look. Every location is better if you bring along an orchestra to play Wagner. [AOL TV]

Sara Jean Underwood Cosplays at Anime Expo - Seriously, why isn’t Morgan Webb doing things in her underwear anymore? Did she turn 30 and get Logan’s Run’d? I AM TIRED OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS. [G4TV]

The Terrific Adventures of White Mike Vick - Possibly our best feature from last week, read Burnsy’s hilarious work while I spend 20 minutes a day filtering out all the hateful comments both for and against. [With Leather]

The war to stock your pro wrestling show with the best available stars of Jersey Shore reaches critical mass tonight, as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi guest stars on WWE’s Raw.  “Guest starring” on Raw means you stand in the ring, say “what’s up [town name],” and stand there smiling while they kind of cheer.

Competitor TNA Wrestling fired the first salvo (I don’t know what these phrases mean) by bringing on both JWoww and Angelina in two nonconsecutive feature roles.  To explain things analogously, Angelina is to Snooki as TNA Wrestling is to WWE.  There’s got to be a Venn diagram out there charting two big circles of stupid people and somehow proving this crossover necessary through formal logic.

WWE’s announcement makes her sound like a toddler in a tiara: “A native of Poughkeepsie, N.Y., Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is a reality television star who comes from a close-knit Italian family. Fun, outgoing, spontaneous, loving and loud are just a few words that describe this veterinary tech major, whose hobbies include cheerleading, shopping, tanning, working out, and of course always looking good.”  It’s certainly better than my announcement, which is “Snooki is a koopa troopa famous for being punched in the face and having stupid hair, and her fifteen minutes of comedy segment will take 25 seconds away from the already 70-seconds long Daniel Bryan match.”

I want this war to end.  I don’t want to put on Dreamslam 2 and suddenly notice The Situation retroactively cornering for Kandori and Sawai, looking for Victory Through Guts, Tanning and Laundry.

I have never watched an episode of the Jersey Shore, but I’m fully aware of the terrible legacy that MTV has established by introducing the world to people like Snooki, J-Woww, the Situation, Vinny, Pauly D, and those other people. And that makes me sad, because I wish I’d never heard of them. Sometimes I really admire the Amish and backwoods hillbillies for not owning TVs, but without one I wouldn’t have been able to drool over the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night. Such a double-edged sword.

I also try not to keep up with tabloid gossip, but in this biznass it’s nearly impossible, so I’m well aware that when this calendar year wraps up, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will have made $5 million while having no discernible talents. The guy gets paid to show up to places and point at his stomach, for which I’m not knocking him. Good for him. I wish I could get paid to show up places and hip thrust. Instead, I get banned from Baby GAP. But as much as we bash the Guido culture, it’s given us a great deal of material to work with, J-Woww’s huge breasts, and Vince at FilmDrunk.

The Situation recently released his own workout DVD for the holiday season, called “The Situation Workout.” As I’m naturally ripped I have no need for such a silly product, but for those of you looking to be the best at exercising, you can pick up a copy at Amazon or in hell. In the meantime, the blooper reel from his DVD has recently turned up, and not only does it showcase his glaring lack of charisma, but he also has a special friend pop up. He gets a boner, is what I’m trying to say.

Follow along after the jump for a look at the bloopers and some other fine moments in the Sitch’s exercise portfolio…

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