“Rapping Jerry Jones” in all caps was almost this entire post.

In the world of sports on the Internet, Jimmy Traina giveth, and Jimmy Traina taketh away. Sometimes he’ll tweet, “hey, I stumbled into Kate Upton’s dressing room and took 30,000 pictures, check this out” and links them because he’s him and she’ll be flattered or whatever. Then sometimes he tweets, “here’s Jerry Jones rapping”, and the exact opposite of that Kate dressing room dream happens.

But yeah, here’s Jerry Jones rapping. Apparently somebody at Papa John’s decided the way to get me to order their garbage pizza was to have a sexagenarian in the Buffalo Stance. It’s worth watching just to say you’ve seen it (and I’m shocked I haven’t seen it on TV down here yet), but it’s also worth watching for that two second clip of Jones remix jumping or whatever like he’s in a f**king 90s toy commercial.

Check it out below.

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Last week, Carolina Panthers center Ryan Kalil (pictured above at Comic Con 2011 because it’s important) took out a full page ad in the Charlotte Observer, promising fans of his team that the Panthers were going to win Super Bowl XLVII. Obviously, with the season still a month away, and the Panthers coming off a 6-10 season, some people responded to that ad with a hearty, “LOLwut?”

On Saturday, though, Kalil backed his words up with some reassurance.

“I knew I’d take some heat for it, and rightfully so. It’s a bold thing to say, especially in such a tough game,” Kalil said. “But what I care about is who I wrote it for and who it was intended for, and that was the fans and my teammates. So in that regard it’s been very positive.” (Via the Sacramento Bee)

My immediate response to this was, “Oh sh*t, the Twitters are going to eat this dude alive.” However, aside from fans of the other NFC South teams and the typical major market loudmouths, most people seem to dig that Kalil did this. It’s probably because it was a gesture to his fan base, which is rare and refreshing, especially when done with the over-the-top aplomb and bravado replaced by passion and respect.

Kalil’s ad inspired me to ask the question, “What would it look like if more players, coaches, and owners reached out to their fans by guaranteeing Super Bowl victories?” So I went ahead and made some newspaper ads for some players and one special owner to use if they so desire.

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As has been extensively documented, the 2010 NFL season was played without a salary cap because the owners chose to opt out of the collective bargaining agreement that was in place at the time. During this uncapped year, the Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys spent extra money frontloading contracts so the biggest hit would occur immediately, and not be spread out over the course of the contract (presumably when a new cap would be in place). Because this made a lot of sense, the NFL is punishing them for it by lowering the Cowboys’ cap number by $10 million, and the Redskins’ by $36 million.

“The Management Council Executive Committee determined that the contract practices of a small number of clubs during the 2010 league year created an unacceptable risk to future competitive balance, particularly in light of the relatively modest salary cap growth projected for the new agreement’s early years,” the league said in a statement Monday. “To remedy these effects and preserve competitive balance throughout the league, the parties to the CBA agreed to adjustments to team salary for the 2012 and 2013 seasons. [ESPN]

So, as far as I understand things, here is the recap: The owners opted out of the collective bargaining agreement knowing that the result would be at least one uncapped season (meaning both no maximum cap number AND no minimum cap number for the cheapskates), and then when two of the wealthier teams used the uncapped year to their advantage and threw a bunch of money at players, the other owners cried to Roger Goodell and he dropped an anvil on the rich guys’ heads. Did the Cowboys and Redskins take advantage of a weird situation? Sure. Was it 100% on the up and up? Eh. But stepping in later to punish someone for something that wasn’t against the rules at the time isn’t any better. And this is coming from an EAGLES FAN. Someone who LIVES FOR bad things happening to the Redskins and the Cowboys. I am DEFENDING Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder. Ugh.

I feel nauseous. Don’t make me do this again, NFL.

We’re big fans of Taiwanese Animation here at With Leather, but far too often the things that make Next Media Animation’s efforts truly great — absurd imagery and hilarious bluntness — are eschewed for political cartoon style moments where someone who just got suspended gets beat over the head with a giant rectangle with SUSPENSION written on it.

That’s not the case with today’s cartoon, which goes completely over-the-top with its images (Michael Vick riding an eagle that gets shot to death with rifles, Eli Manning getting run over by a school bus with the New Orleans Saints logo on the side, children being murdered by fire breath) and even higher over with its most blunt message ever. And I quote:

The ‘Boys have a recent history of choking. And Jerry Jones is their owner, GM and head coach. They won’t win anythin [sp] until he dies.

… then Tony Romo and black Tony Romo (?) high-five each other as his death is replayed on TV.

Taiwan, you are my hero.

[h/t Fark]

Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas, has two notable features — a facade that looks like it could start independently spinning and become the Event Horizon at any moment, and an enormous, punt-blocking, mid-field scoreboard that takes up most of the stadium’s free space and threatens to fall and crush us all. Jerry Jones famously refused to move the thing when footballs started striking it. I wonder what he thinks now that soccer players are clipping it?

Enter: FC Barcelona goalkeeper Victor Valdes, incorrectly typo’d on Off The Bench as “Victory Valdez”, making him sound like he’s a character from Cars. During warmups for a match in the Herbalife World Football Challenge, Valdez decided to see if he could boot the ball 90 feet into the air and bang it off the scoreboard. The video above is that effort, and it is impressive. I was wondering what all those soccer jerseys were doing at the Texas Rangers game next door. Kinda wish I’d been around to see this in person.

Maybe the Dallas Stars can play next year’s Winter Classic here and try to ricochet a puck off the screen.

[h/t Off The Bench]

If you’re heading to the Super Bowl in Arlington in two weeks, I bid you good luck in finding parking on the cheap. Spaces surrounding and near the North Texas stadium are being marked up as much as 400 percent, as noted by Kathy Vetter of the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram.

Wow, just checked the off-site parking available for Super Bowl XLV. The two lots closest to Cowboys Stadium are now charging $990 per spot. That’s almost double what they were asking a couple of weeks ago. A thousand dollars to park? I guess if that’s what people will pay. But it sure seems steep to me.

Now, let’s be fair; this isn’t all Jerry Jones’s doing, if at all. Most of these spots are managed by private firms that are looking to capitalize on what they have, for what happens to be the biggest one-day sporting event on Earth. Obviously, other spaces farther away are a bit more affordable. A bit…

Dozens of Arlington businesses, offices and churches around the entertainment district are taking reservations online for their parking spaces, which are being advertised on websites like ParkWhiz.com from $49.50 to $577.50, depending on how close they are to the stadium.[..]

Parking spaces controlled by the NFL, which go for $71.40 online, are primarily at Six Flags Over Texas, about a mile east of the stadium, and come with free shuttle service.

Fortunately, I found a good deal for Super Sunday parking. Parking my ass, that is. It’s a space right on my couch, and it’s zero dollars. Oh, but I guess I’ll miss all the atmosphere and stuff. Right, right.