The banner GIF image has absolutely nothing to do with the title of this post or sports in general, obviously, but since I couldn’t lift a cheek today without hearing someone complain about the Academy Awards or The Onion or Seth MacFarlane or IKEA or basically everything else on this planet, I thought I’d join in on the Internet’s general Jennifer Lawrence worship.

She seems pretty cool, and she’s obviously a free-wheeling, don’t-answer-to-nobody type. People have also told me that she’s attractive, not that I’ve ever noticed. I guess if you toss all of those attributes into a blender and mix them up, she’s basically a St. Louis Cardinals fan. I think everyone will agree with me on that.

Anyway, I think it would be fun if Jennifer Lawrence attended more sporting events so I can write about her as much as my cooler UPROXX bros get to, and I think it might go something like this…

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This video (courtesy of That NBA Lottery Pick) is one of the least exciting we’ve ever posted, but it’s newsworthy because LeBron James read Young Adult super-novel The Hunger Games before Sunday’s Heat-Pacers Game Four in Indianapolis, dropped 40 points and evened the series at two games apiece. It’s the best remedial reading basketball performance since Vlade Divac cried his way through Island Of The Blue Dolphins and won gold at the ’89 European Championships.

Knowing what we know about LeBron, it makes sense that nothing would pump him up like stories of children being forced to murder each other. I also hope he’s illiterate and the book is just a bunch of pictures of Jennifer Lawrence with a bow and arrow. Regardless (and as tired a point to make as it is), you can only come down so much on a popular sports role model for reading an actual book on camera. I’m gonna guess Alex Rodriguez hasn’t read printed text since he was ten.

I want LeBron to make reading cool again. I also want to see it get to the point where he’s filmed reading Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye before a game and spends the first three quarters just lying in the middle of the court.

If the Cubs ever win the World Series, it’s just gonna be a year full of sh*t like this. (by way of Outside The Boxscore)

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Links

Death, Redemption, & Kisses in the Rain: Plot of The Lucky One Recreated with Reviews |Film Drunk|

How To Survive At Coachella, As Told By Miss Info, A-Trak & Childish Gambino |Smoking Section|

Meme Watch: Inappropriate Timing Bill Clinton Is Here To Liven Up This Boring @ss Press Conference |UPROXX|

UFC 145: Jones VS. Evans Official Live Thread |With Leather|

A Mini-Rant: What the Hell Happened to ‘The Office’? |Warming Glow|

Guy Who’s Better At Zelda Than You Beats Ocarina of Time in 23 Minutes |Gamma Squad|

A Man Dares To Dream, Orders Burger With 1050 Bacon Strips From Burger King |UPROXX|

Suge Knight: Tupac May Still Be Alive |UPROXX|

77-Year-Old Man Sucks Cancer From T*ttyballs, Rides Scooter, Gives No F***s, Goes To Jail |Smoking Section|

Two New Clips from Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom |Film Drunk|

25 Better Portraits For Carmelo Anthony’s New York City Apartment |With Leather|

Rosario Dawson, Mickey Rourke, and Michael Madsen Returning To Sin City |Gamma Squad|

Corgi Friday: The Best of Lawyer Dog |Warming Glow|

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LOOK AT BANNER, TEBOW!

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Links

The Craziest 10 Minutes In NFL History - This is about Joe Theismann’s leg breaking and all the gross replays, isn’t it? [Smoking Section]

Jennifer Lawrence Hurls A Bucket Of KFC Fried Chicken At A Basketball Hoop - Technically sports related! Also, possibly racist? [Buzzfeed]

6 Actors Who Played the Exact Same Role in Two Very Different Franchises - Chris Paul should be on this list. So should Ryan Gosling in ‘Drive’ and ‘The Mickey Mouse Club’. [Unreality]

Old Dirty Bastard biopic to star Omar from The Wire - Hey! Dirt-ay! Baby I got your honey (Nut Cheerios) don’t you worry! [Film Drunk]

‘Let Me Tweet That For You’ Will Be Your Favorite Thing On The Internet For The Next Five Minutes - This is one of those masterful moments of technology where you get excited to find it, then have absolutely nothing to use it for. Like Hypercolor. [UPROXX]

Will Ferrell Discusses Butt Sex, Demonstrates Dog Training Skills On Conan - Casa De Mi Padre was really funny, but the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking, “Man, I wish this was Black Dynamite“. [UPROXX]

This New Ending To Mass Effect 3 Explains Everything - Now I want to do one of these for The Blair Witch Project, just to put up a picture of the Blair Witch with THEY AIN’T EVEN SHOW THE BLAIR WITCH under it. [Gamma Squad]

The SF Giants Mascot Battle Royal, Or ‘Giant Seal Doesn’t Know How To Work’ - Reposting for posterity. Still the funniest and best thing to happen to me all week. [With Leather]

‘Mad Men’: The 8-Bit Choose Your Own Adventure Game - This needs to be more like the ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ NES game. I want to hop on one foot and punch Jimmy Barrett. [Warming Glow|]

13 Oddly Intelligent Instances Of Bathroom Graffiti - Saw one that said “yeah, but is it art?” inside a port-a-potty during SXSW. Didn’t know if it was talking about the pile of diapers or what. [HuffPost Comedy]

10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Sloths - Thing 11: Sloths love Chunk. But maybe you knew that. [The FW]

Why Do the Sitcoms We Love Have So Little in Common with the Lives We Lead? - I don’t know what this article is talking about, when Zooey Deschanel broke up with the guy from Death Cab she moved into my apartment, and she and I and all our friends go on these wacky date-adventures that end with us being a little worse for wear, but better friends. [Pajiba]

Click to make it bigger. Personally I’m voting for Reggie Bush, because maybe if you have a bad enough life, the curse works in reverse?

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- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
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Links

What If Presidential Politicians Were More Like Kenny Powers? - I don’t know, Bill Clinton was already pretty much Kenny Powers and he was awesome. [Warming Glow]

Three Stooges trade Kate Upton’s heaving breasts for Sofia Vergara’s - Sorry, I’m gonna have to veto this trade. I may be interested in trading Kate for Monica Bellucci, though. [Film Drunk]

Leo Messi Hat-Trick Breaks Barcelona All-Time Goal Record - Puns about messy record-keeping, and at least two well-meaning jokes about how nobody watches soccer. [Smoking Section]|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/19/12: Little Mac Versus Bald Bull - If you haven’t already, go read my thing about pretend underwear fighting. People watch it, but it isn’t any good. Woo! [With Leather]

If Don Draper Handled Modern Marketing - “He’d would’ve slept with Jenna Marbles at least two years ago.” [UPROXX]

Meme Watch: Pissed Old Guy Is Very Pissed, Very Old - Back in my day, we hung pictures of old people on the walls of our schools, we didn’t photoshop sentences over them. [UPROXX]

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - +1000000 for Ruby Rhod cosplay. Also, I’d like to be friends with the lady doing demade Harley Quinn. [Gamma Squad]

8 Funny Faces Of The “Mad Men” Cast At The New York Stock Exchange - Needs more “Pete doing the Charleston”. The new season also needs that. [Buzzfeed]

The Funniest #RomneyToys - The only problem I have with funny Republican candidate jokes is that you can’t do the same thing with Obama, because being super racist is usually the only joke Republicans have for him. [HuffPost Comedy]

Two Firemen Dressed in Drag Put Out Burning Car - Yep. [The FW]

A Photographic History of Jennifer Lawrence’s Brief Career - This is barely an article and is just a bunch of pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, but I’m not gonna complain. [Pajiba]

Hell is Other People – How Gamers are Ruining Gaming - I feel their pain about online gaming. I went online once with Red Dead, wandered around scared out of my mind that somebody was gonna call me the n-word, then logged off. It wasn’t great. [Unreality]

Military Dad Dresses Up as Captain America to Surprise His Son by Coming Home on His Birthday - The guy Military Dad’s wife is sleeping with while he’s gone should show up as USAgent. [Brobible]

If you didn’t think this would exist, welcome to the Internet. Somebody’s already doing a “Sh*t Hitler Says About Watching The Jeremy Lin Nyan Cat”. (via OTB)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Shawn Kemp Isn’t Exactly Thrilled With The Blake Griffin Comparisons - I love that Shawn Kemp JUST found out that the only thing he was good at was dunks. [Smoking Section]

The 10 Strangest Addictions From ‘My Strange Addiction’ - Does “doing something dumb to get on television because there’s a show that exaggerates mental illnesses” count as a strange addiction? [Warming Glow]

So, The New Trailer For ‘The Avengers’ Is Kind Of Awesome - I hope Captain America has a line that more or less says, “why does the 2012 version of my costume look so much worse than the one I wore in the 40s?” [Gamma Squad]

Many Of Your Favorite Celebrities Have Been ‘Cholafied’ - Pretty sure that Rihanna Chola is gonna show up in Guillermo Del Toro’s next horror-fantasy. [UPROXX]

Meth Addict Accidentally Burns Down ‘A Tree Older Than Jesus’ - I hope this is immediately followed by a scene where Bryan Cranston is dressed like a priest and yelling at him over the phone about how he’s worthless and stupid. [UPROXX]

VIDEO: Prometheus’s Peter Weyland addresses the 2023 TED Conference - If this movie doesn’t end with Catwoman kicking him in the nuts, I’m demanding my money back. [Film Drunk]

Kids Do The Darndest Speed Drills - When I was five I would’ve played a video game about anything. I would’ve played a Mario game where he can’t die and it’s nothing but history facts. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

11 Things Megan Fox Didn’t Know About David Silver When She First Met Brian Austin Green - 1 Thing Megan Fox Didn’t Know About Donna Martin: she graduates. [Buzzfeed]

Ken Marino’s AMAZING Macy Gray Impression - I love this impression so much I want to dip my balls in it. [HuffPost Comedy]

Criminal Busted for Using Fake ID with Jack Nicholson’s Photo - I knew I should’ve bought that Lindsay Lohan drivers license from the Hollywood gift shop where her photo is a promo still from Mean Girls and her height is MOVIE STAR. [The FW]

Jennifer Lawrence’s Cleavage Is Doing a Poor Job of Convincing Us She Can Play a 16-Year-Old - Yeah, well, The Last Airbender turned Sokka into a 28-year old white guy, so do whatever. [Pajiba]

The 20 Most Bad*ss Spies and Secret Agents in Film and TV History - I hope numbers one and two are “Spy Kid” and “the other Spy Kid”, followed by Karate Dog from Karate Dog at number three. [Brobible]

Six Underappreciated Comedies More People Need To See - How the hell is Anchorman unappreciated? Hot Rod and The Foot Fist Way are inspired choices, though, and once again I say “where the hell is Josie and the Pussycats?” [Unreality]