Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game festivities began yesterday in Phoenix with the Futures game but more importantly – Kate Upton. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model took part in this year’s Taco Bell Legends & Celebrity Softball Game, which featured “A-list celebrities, athletes and MLB legends” but seeing as the participating “celebrities” were Greg Gunberg, Chord Overstreet and Jason Aldean, we’ll go easy on that A-list label.

The score suggests that the National League team, featuring Mark Grace, Larry Fitzgerald and Ozzie Smith, defeated the American League team 5-3. However, the AL team had Upton and Erin Andrews, so that’s pretty much an automatic win. Sure, the NL team had Jennie Finch and Jordin Sparks, but come on – Kate Upton. Seriously. Kate. Upton.

And that brings me to today’s thought. I can understand the point of having guys like Overstreet, Aldean, and Nick Jonas in the softball game, because they have some current star power. But why not just load the rosters with girls like Upton, Jessica Stam, Chanel Iman, and Chrissy Teigen, who is friends with Andrews and Upton and Tweeted about the damn game enough that she should have been there? Last time I checked, baseball was America’s game, and our America likes very attractive women.

After the jump, check out Upton, Andrews, Sparks, Jennie Finch, and the other, far-less-important celebrities from last night’s Legends & Celebrity Softball Game.

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Sports

It Almost Happened: Michael Jordan to the Clippers - I can’t hear “Jordan to the Clippers? It almost happened!” in anything but Phil Hartman’s Troy McClure voice. I wish this would’ve happened, just so I could’ve see the words GREAT CLIPS in big letters without having to get my hair cut. [Smoking Section]

Punte on The Wrestling Podcast - In case you think I’m turning With Leather into With Spandex (c’mon Uproxx, that’s a money idea), here’s the previous managing editor on TH’s wrestling podcast talking about wrestling. See? I’m not that weird. The best part is when they mention what a great job I’m doing! [The Wrestling Podcast]

Tony Dungy Picture Demands Captions - I was going to run this yesterday, but couldn’t come up with anything more clever than HE GAY. Obviously you want to go the Revenge of the Nerds route here, but I don’t even think Lamar would wear shorts like that. [Kissing Suzy Call-ber]

War Machine is Writing a Book - What’s next, a memoir from US Agent? [Cage Potato]

Cliff Lee’s Spit Capable of Extinguishing Forest Fires - Jon gets to the “super soaker where you had to wear a backpack” reference before I can. Cliff Lee is still my favorite baseball player, and the number three reason why I sort of root for the Phillies (numbers one and two being “Phillie Phanatic” and “my girlfriend” respectively). [SB Nation]

The Dugout: Meet the Daigles - People are telling me this is the “funniest Dugout in years”, and I’m flattered enough to #humblebrag about it here. I think the best names for boys is just nouns. [The Dugout]

Not Sports

Lindsay Lohan is Never Going to Jail For Real For Anything - Lohan escapes further arrest while technically being arrested, and I think she could reanimate and kill the body of Nicole Brown Simpson in front of everybody and still get away with it. And I’m in the minority, I don’t really care about foxy teen Lohan, but LOVE cracked-out, omnisexual, constantly smoking MILF version. [The Superficial]

Midnight in Paris is Bill and Ted for Liberal Arts Majors - Arguably Bill and Ted itself is Bill and Ted for liberal arts majors. Bogus Journey, definitely. Bogus Journey is the best, and if you haven’t watched it in 20 years, go back and do that now. The movie’s climax is FAKE BEARDS. [Film Drunk]

Winklevoss Twins Finally Give Up the Fight with Facebook - Brandon Stroud likes this. In an older joke, they should CGI two Tilas Tequila as the villains for the Myspace movie. [Uproxx]

Tom Hanks No Habla Espanol - His cries of “WILSON!” would’ve been less impactful if the’d been “wheel-SONE!” Tom Hanks is Woody AND Forrest Gump, he can speak whatever language he wants. Colin Hanks, however, should only speak Spanish. [Warming Glow]

Several days ago, With Leather’s editor was enough of a women’s softball nerd to report that Majorish League pitcher Casey Daigle and Olympic gold medalist Jennie Finch had given birth to their second son and named him like a minor league mascot. It’s been a slow news week (with the biggest story so far being about thirty seconds of O.J. Simpson killing his wife) so Baby Name-Gate has started to circulate and was a top headline today on Yahoo News.

As one of the first sports blogs to report the story, I feel it is my responsibility to reveal my source. That source is a fictionalized version Ms. Finch herself, and I’m proud to reproduce here the chat transcript I observed. After you’re done, come back to the main page and refresh, because I’ve got a story going up about Cat Osterman naming her newborn “Dog”.

Today’s Diesel Dean Daigle Dugout dollows. Follows.

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As an Olympic gold medalist who also happens to be super hot, Jennie Finch is one of the most famous and recognizable women in the history of softball. Her husband, pitcher Casey Daigle, has spent about thirty games in the big leagues since 2004. They named their first kid “Ace”, because yeah, okay, they like pitching. “Ace Daigle” kinda sounds like a porn name, but it’s cute enough. It wasn’t until the birth announcement for their second son on Sunday that the red flags started going up.

Via People (not sure which ones):

Jennie Finch delivered her and Casey Daigle‘s second son, Diesel Dean Daigle, on Sunday, June 19 at 10:25 p.m., the couple confirm to PEOPLE exclusively. Diesel weighed in at 8 lbs., 2 oz. and is 22 1/4 inches long. He joins big brother Ace Shane, 5, at home.

“We are so completely grateful and beyond blessed,” the softball star, 30, tells PEOPLE. “Casey and I are excited for our sweet precious Baby D! Ace couldn’t be any more pumped to be a big brother to Diesel.”

A day into his life and his Mom is already making “pumped” jokes about Diesel. Diesel Dean Daigle. Diesel Daigle! “Diesel Dean” makes him sound like he should be hosting a CGI children’s cartoon. Hey kids, come along and help Diesel Dan fix his 18-wheeler! And big brother Ace can’t be any more pumped, because now he’s one of TWO kids in the Daigle household named like a minor league mascot. What’re they gonna name their third kid, Spike? Buster? Dress him like a dragon and call him Buster.

Here’s to hoping that 3D (they named their son after Doritos) is like eight foot eleven by the time he starts middle school, so nobody will make fun of him. He’ll have to be tough so he can stick up for his sister Awesome Mitt Daigle.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella announced yesterday that this season will be his last, as he will retire at the season’s end. The three-time World Series champion cited his desire to spend more time with his family as his reason to put an end to a legacy of base-throwing, chest poking and umpire screaming. His career as both a player and manager has spanned 48 years, during which he’s been associated with eight teams. Of his decision, Piniella simply told reporters:

“It’s been a wonderful experience,” he said. “There’s no way that I won’t cherish the memories here.”

But, he added: “I’ve been away from home since 1962. That’s about 50 years.” Source

The Cubs are currently in a tie for third in the NL Central, 10.5 games back of the first place Cardinals, and Piniella remains realistic that his team probably isn’t going to gain ground on the Cards and second place Reds unless they start winning series, as opposed to being swept or saving face. Cubs GM Jim Hendry said that he won’t name Piniella’s successor until after the season (*cough* Ryne Sandberg *cough*) and then everyone laughed because it won’t be Hendry’s decision by the time this season ends.

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Ah yes, the perfect storm for a sports blogger: an incredibly attractive female athlete paired with an ESPN personality made to look like a moron.

For some reason or another, Jay Crawford of ESPN’s First Take agreed to step in the batter’s box and face all-world softball player Jennie Finch. Of course, hilarity ensued.

He fouled off an early swing, whiffed on a bunt attempt and managed one infield grounder. Crawford claimed he would have beaten it out with his Usain Bolt speed. Finch scoffed at the suggestion — not sure if it was in regard to the Bolt speed or beating it out.

Crawford, who went to Bowling Green, supposedly pitched some minor league ball with an independent club in 2005. And he did take mighty cuts at the plate. In slow-pitch softball terms, it looks as if he could launch a bomb or two. In fast-pitch terms, there’s a huge hole in his swing. Or Jennie Finch is really good. via.

Hole in his swing? Huh. That hole will go well with the hole between his legs. By “hole between his legs,” I mean he has female genitalia. Get it?

Delightfully emasculating video follows. Read the rest of this entry »