I don’t know why non-football sporting events are held when there are NFL games to be watched, but Serena Williams won her third U.S. Open yesterday, defeating Jelena Jankovic 6-4, 7-5 after the Serb failed to capitalize on four set points in the second set.  In the process, William reclaimed her world #1 ranking, an honor Jankovic held a month ago.  But it must be some consolation that she won over the New York crowd.

She started off by thanking everyone and her drivers. While accepting the runner-up trophy, she said: “I lost my No. 1 ranking. It’s not fair.”  Then, as Williams was being presented with her $1.5 million check, Jankovic asked, “How much did I get?”

The answer, as she would soon find out, was $750,000. “So now I have a lot of money to spend,” she said, laughing, in her news conference. “Tomorrow is my day to go shopping.”

Ahhh yes.  She won over the Sunday tennis crowd in New York by thanking her driver and talking about shopping with her $750K check.  Then she dismissed other major cities on the Eastern seaboard, saying she would “literally DIE” if she had to settle for what passes as opera in Boston, and is it so much to ask for the man at the deli to speak passable English?

[Deadspin]

This video appears to be from the French Open, although which year remains a mystery to me because, honestly, it's not exactly relevant.  What appears to be the central thesis of this video is that Jelena Jankovic changed her underwear right there on the tennis court.

I'll be honest, I'm a little unsettled by this.  I'd kind of prefer she did that in the locker room.  But I understand that some of you may find this titillating, and to those people I say, "Konichiwa." I hope you find this a suitable replacement until you take a crowded Tokyo subway home just after school lets out.

[GorillaMask] 

Roger Federer beat James Blake at the Australian Open today, but last I checked neither of them were hot chicks so to hell with them.

Much more inspiring for tennis fans — and by tennis fans I mean masturbation enthusiasts — are the final four ladies in the women's bracket.  Jelena Jankovic and Maria Sharapova face off in the more equine bracket, while Daniela Hantuchova and Ana Ivanovic play later in what would be the AFC Championship if this were the Super Bowl of Tennis Hotness.   The ladies will forgo the usual post-match handshake for a long, hot group shower at my apartment.  HINT, HINT.

[Rizzo Sports] 

The cool thing about the early days of any big tennis tournament is that all the hot chicks haven't been knocked out yet.  In a week and a half we'll get something like a Serena Williams-Amelie Mauresmo final and I'd have a better chance of getting a boner at a WNBA game.

But for now, things are good: Maria Sharapova in traditional white, Jelena Jankovic and her sweaty boobs in the pink dress, Nicole Vaidisova in Reebok red, Ana Ivanovic slightly nipply in blue, Daniela Hantuchova's furry face framed with a pink visor, Maria Kirilenko in the mustard skirt, and Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick.

Some people act all huffy about posts like this because female tennis players are often six feet tall or have huge arm muscles or look like men.  They get mad because they can't masturbate to the pictures, but that means they're just not trying hard enough.  Listen, if these don't work for you, either wait for the next post or tighten the belt around your neck.

I was scrolling through my program guide last night, and on one of the ESPNs I saw the word "Tennis."  And I was all, "What the…?"  But it turns out the Australian Open is going on — Who knew, right? — and number three seed Jelena Jankovic was nearly upset on the first day by up-and-comer Tamira Paszek.

Jankovic had to saved three match points to edge Paszek 2-6, 6-2, 12-10 in an opening-day marathon in the first Grand Slam tournament of the year. The deciding set included 15 breaks of serve and took 1 hour, 56 minutes …

Had it happened at Wimbledon, the sight of Paszek lunging around in a flimsy vest and straining sports bra would have left many venerable members of the All-England Club choking on their strawberries.

I'm sorry, I know it's a different culture and all, but I don't think it's right to choke on your strawberries to a 17-year-old.  Fuckin' Brits, with their lifts and loos and guvnas and surprisingly strict public nudity laws.  I thought Europe was supposed to be cool, man.

[More photos at SbB]  

Wimbledon mixed doubles champions Jelena Jankovic and Jamie Murray had an interesting tournament.  According to Jankovic, their partnership — and success — is a result of Murray's unrelenting crush on her.

"I told him I was not a doubles player. However, he insisted and at the end of the tournament I realised that in fact he had fallen in love," she said. "Even during matches when I was played badly he used to come to me and kept saying 'smile, smile for me'."… "Instead of discussing tactics in pauses between he used to tell me how attractive I was. I told him I would give him a kiss for every good point and it worked." 

Holy crap.  Murray has to have an IQ of close to 300 to be able to concentrate on a woman he wants to have sex with and play a sport at the same time.  I can't even watch a sport while I think about chicks.

Jelena says she has still not decided whether to accept Jamie's latest invitation – to spend Christmas with him in Scotland.

One thing's for sure here: the WTA needs to start testing for witchcraft, because the only way a guy who isn't in prison falls for a chick this plain who doesn't put out is if he's had a spell cast on him.  I guess she's better-looking than most burn victims, but I still wouldn't push the issue unless everybody died and the two of us needed to repopulate Earth.  And even then I'd be like, "We really shouldn't rule out single sex reproduction just yet.  Let's give binary fission a chance."

(Thanks to the leggy vixen at This Suit Is Not Black.  Miss ya, baby)