Former Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was sent packing after a Randy-Moss-esque press conference confessional following the team’s Sunday night loss to the Patriots. And according to Reed’s agent, Don Henderson, the wily kicker isn’t looking to get back into an NFL locker room anytime soon.

“We talked with the Bengals and considered it a good opportunity, but thought it was best that we’re not going to kick this weekend,” Henderson told Joe Reedy of the Cincinnati Enquirer. “It wasn’t because of the Bengals (that we turned down the offer). We thought it would be better for Jeff to recharge and get ready for the rest of the season. We’ll start listening to offers again on Sunday or Monday.”

–Andy Benoit/CBS Sports.

It helps that Reed will still receive the balance of his $2.8 million salary (he was slapped with the franchise tag last summer). I’d imagine that Reed is hitting convenience stores buying up what’s left of the caffeinated Four Loko beverages.

When the Pittsburgh Steelers saw charter buses waiting outside of their facility in Latrobe, Pennsylvania yesterday, they assumed that their coach was allowing them to skip their last day of camp and go to a movie theater. But head coach Mike Tomlin had different ideas. In fact, he was executing a prank conceived by Steelers kicker Jeff Reed.

It was all a ruse — there were no movies, no bowling alley excursion, no break on the last day at camp. Practice went on, and Tomlin only grinned at the prank orchestrated by Reed, the team’s best-known jokester. The Arizona Cardinals may have had a day at the movies this week, but there will be no such day off for the Steelers.

“Just a little mental warfare,” Tomlin said. “Sometimes people need to be horribly disappointed and then asked to perform. And they did pretty well.” via.

Reed–who wasn’t in on the joke as it happened–was actually hoping that Tomlin was planning to trick him and send the team out anyway. Like Reed had such a hard day ahead of him–kicking balls while kicking back beer* sounds like a better vacation than a lot of people get. And that’s his job. The only thing easier would be sitting in front of a computer all day and making fun of a…oh.

*Probably not true

As most of the NFL’s analysts are busy prettying up their draft boards and fellating recently-retired quarterbacks, the league’s athletes are working to stay in midseason form. Bills running back Marshawn Lynch and Steelers kicker Jeff Reed had run-ins with law enforcement over the weekend.

“Reed caused damage to a towel dispenser as he was infuriated at the fact that there were no towels in it,” according to a news release by Trooper Shawn Askins, who issued the citations. The incident occurred Saturday about 2:50 a.m.

A message left on an answering machine at Reed’s home was not immediately returned.

Reed was cited for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief and sent on his way. I wonder if Reed got home and beat the hell out of his answering machine when there weren’t any messages on it. As for Lynch:

Police said Lynch was arrested Wednesday night after officers approached him and two other men sitting in a 2006 Mercedes-Benz in this Los Angeles suburb and found a loaded firearm.

Lynch was arrested after officers determined the gun belonged to him. He was released that night on $35,000 bail.

Guns and California go together like peanut butter and giraffes, but how do police just “find” a gun? Police have their own guns, and this persecution of millionaire athletes cannot stand. What am I gonna do about it? I’ll get to that a second. Right now I have to investigate something shiny in the hallway.

[Y! Sports]

One of the stories I didn’t cover as the playoffs started was Steelers kicker Jeff Reed bleaching his hair.  Before the season began, he promised the team that he would bleach his hair if they made the playoffs.

Think about that for a second.  He promised an excellent team favored to win the division that if they made the playoffs, he’d bleach his hair.  Dude, if you want to do it so badly, just do it.  Don’t make up BS camaraderie bets.  It’s not like James Harrison is in the huddle thinking, “Well, I wasn’t going to give it my all in the 4th quarter of this must-win game, but I really want to see our kicker dye his hair.”  Just say, “I’m a jackass and I prefer my hair to look stupid.”  People will respect your honesty.

Oh, and Steelermania is taking over the Web.  Get your Terrible Towel chocolates and visit Steeler Mexico while you can!  In a related story, I bet I can suck-start this pistol.

[image from this video via TIGG]

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed gets photographed drunk or drunk and shirtless or drunk and exposing his genitals every other week, so I guess this isn't the biggest news you'll see all day.  But still, it's good to see him relaxing in Vegas and proving once and for all that a man can pull off wearing a tiara and pink bibs and sashes — but only if he clenches his jaw and sticks his lips out.  If young Jersey guidos have taught us anything, it's that the modified Blue Steel look is the surest way to tell a camera, "I'm a fuckin' badass, yo."  No, wait.  Not "fuckin' badass."  "Witless douchebag" is what I meant to write.  I always get those two mixed up.

[Kissing Suzy Kolber] 

My day is richer now that I've seen these photos of Steelers kicker Jeff Reed on Deadspin.  The hair!  The wristband!  The dog tags!  The silver-dollar nipples!  Could he be the sexiest athlete of this generation?  Not if I can be the man to break the sex barrier of the Women's Pillow-Fighting League.

(p.s. Somebody, please, put me in contact with the gentleman on the left.  Who's his personal trainer?  How did he get that figure?  I'm guessing a deep-fried can of frosting for dessert after a sensible meal of bacon-wrapped donuts.  Five times daily.)

(p.p.s. Sexiest day ever?  Sexiest day ever.)