I know a lot of you race fans are totally stoked for the Daytona 500 this weekend and disappointed in my lack of coverage about Jeff Gordon being disqualified or that 72-year-old geezer not making the field. It's all such an exciting way to kick off the 13-month-long NASCAR season, I can barely contain my excitement.

But then I saw this tidbit from Ben Maller: 

Mattel has unveiled Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jeff Gordon Barbie dolls in conjunction with Sunday's race. The NASCAR dolls have Barbie dressed in Gordon and Earnhardt attire and are available for $34.95. Both dolls are in stores now.

As soon as I saw this I emailed 289 frantically: need Photoshop immediately. I can't say I was overly enamored with his work at first, but then I got thinking: hell, I'll wear work boots and Earnhardt gear if it gets me two chicks that hot. The one on the right even looks like my Miami crush Jenny Woo. Probably feels like her, too.

What, you think they look too plastic? Pfff. Goddam purists. The same people who don't like breast implants are the same ones who are still bitching about the designated hitter. Get over it, people. Adapt with the times as they get sexier, or you'll be stuck cheering for the NL forever. 

Jeff Gordon went down to Mexico to get married to model Ingrid Vandebosch. That would be her photo to the left that's steaming up this post.

You may remember Ingrid from the Queen Latifah-Jimmy Fallon blockbuster action comedy Taxi — what? You didn't see Taxi? Well, excuse me, Mr. Bourgeois Indie Film. Was there a Merchant-Ivory marathon that weekend? I thought Taxi was a delightful model-filled caper.

Or perhaps you read her interview in Stuff. You don't read Stuff? How can you not? It's obviously different and far superior to those Maxim and FHM rags. It was during this interview that she said the famous words,

I really love lingerie. I just like to dress in nice lingerie with lace and all that.

What a coincidence! I love it when she dresses in lingerie and all that. Man, we could have really hit it off if it weren't for that meddling Gordon. What a dick. I'll be cheering for Dale Jr from here on out. And by "cheering for Dale Jr" I mean "continuing not to care."