I was hoping that by this point in the week I’d have some fun little anecdotes to share about how Orlando is shaping up for All-Star Weekend, but short of about 60 more homeless people than usual and some banners, I haven’t noticed much yet. In fact, I’m mega bummed, you guys. My buddy got me on the guest list for Diddy’s All-Star party this weekend and I was super pumped to go and take really awkward pictures next to all of the celebrities in attendance (“Hey is that Joey Fatone with Skeet Ulrich???”) but word on Church Street is that the party was cancelled thanks to some screw up by a promoter. Bummers, y’all.

But I’m still gonna do my best to put together a fun recap for next Monday, because I’m perpetually bound to run into ridiculous stuff on a weekend like this. I may still attend the Rising Stars Challenge and Dunk Contest, but the real fun is going to be at the bars, so I will stick to what I do best. My prediction? I end up bare-knuckle boxing Aaron Carter behind a Steak-N-Shake dumpster. Fingers crossed!

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Oh, sorry, the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated cover story is AFTER the Morning Links, this is a guy literally busting nuts. With his butt. Sorry for the confusion!

(via The FW)

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Links

The Best Of #Kenny Powers - “So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I’m not making that up.” [UPROXX]

One ‘Community’ Character Will Die: Let’s Place Odds - Can it please be Chang? There’s nothing Chang does the Dean can’t do better. [Warming Glow]

5 Reasons “Comic Book Men” Stinks - Reason number f**king one: we are not 18 anymore, and “tell ‘em Steve-Dave” just doesn’t have the same impact. [Gamma Squad]

Sports, Illustrated: In Celebration Of Alex Morgan’s Body Paint Bikini - Lots of swimsuits this week. Make sure you didn’t miss the one made out of paint. [With Leather]

Nicki Minaj Offended The World At The Grammys - or, “Nicki Minaj did something on purpose to make headlines because she isn’t good at music and people bought it, because people are dumb”. [Smoking Section]

Henry Rollins’ awesome letter to Chris Farley from 1995 - Sadly, not the same Chris Farley. “YOUR FILM BLACK SHEEP WAS MALICIOUS AND CAPRICIOUS.” [Film Drunk]

Inevitable ‘Who The F*ck Is Bon Iver?’ Reactions Vastly Improved By The Rise Of ‘Bonnie Bear’ & ‘Bony Bear’ - Dude should just change his band’s name to Bonnie Bear and be done with it. I’d listen to Bonnie Bear. [UPROXX]

NYU Girls’ Newt Gingrich Slumber Party - Nowhere near as awesome as Kent State’s Dennis Kucinich parties, where all the girls are 6-foot-3 vegan redheads. [Buzzfeed]

15 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes By Comedians - “Those flowers fer yer wife fer Valentine’s Day? NOPE, just thought I’d do a lil’ mid-February gardenin’! Here’s yer sign!” – Bill Engvall [HuffPost Comedy]

Jay Z’s ‘99 Problems’ Recreated with Film Clips - See, THIS is what the Internet is for. [Brobible]

Movies That Should Get The 3D Treatment - Not gonna lie, I would go see a 3-D re-release of Snow Dogs. Country Bears, too. [Adult Swim]

20 Favorite Rom-Com Actors Under 40 - I feel like you shouldn’t be a “rom-com actor”, you should just be an actor who has appeared in a romantic comedy. Once you get into Kate Hudson territory it’s time for retirement. [Moviefone]

8 Animal Misconceptions Rundown - Number 9: Dogs can’t look up. [High Definite]

via UnathleticMag.

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Links

Feminist Jay-Z Is In A Respectful State Of Mind - I appreciate what Jay is trying to do and don’t think we should make fun of it, but Sweet Cooch Brown having the “bombest personality in town” is really funny. P.S. why didn’t you start respecting women when you met your wife? [UPROXX]

NBA Laboratory: Can LeBron Do It All By Himself? - More entertaining and thematically accurate than anything LeBron has done in real life. Robert Awful would be proud. [SB Nation]

Summer Roberts Will Rock Your Pap Smear - I don’t care how pretty Rachel Bilson is (and she’s extremely pretty), being Zach Braff’s worst movie girlfriend and spending 15 years on White People Problems The Show isn’t a cool way to convince me you’re good at things. You’d have less haters if anything you did was good, ever. [Warming Glow]

The Awesome Terminator And Transformers Cosplay Of Peter Kokis - This guy’s thought process is great. “Oh wow, cool, giant robots. I need to DRESS LIKE THEM.” [Gamma Squad]

My 5 Favorite Rapper Cameos On “Chappelle’s Show” - Mos Def is the best rapper cameo on anything, but that could be my undying love for Def Poetry showing. [Smoking Section]

Frotcast 83: Wahlberg-gate, Carnage, & Theater Stories with Comedian Matt Louv - Hey Mark Wahlberg, I wouldn’t masturbate either if I got to meat-kiss teenage Reese Witherspoon in the 90s. Put your life into perspective. COME ON COME ON. [Film Drunk]

Valentine’s Day Advisory: The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag - I need to start using that dismissive wank gif. Just all the time, post stories about the Kardashians or Bieber dunking on Shaq or Baron Davis or almost anyone that brings page traffic and it’s nothing but the wanking gif. [KSK]

35 Unforgivable Facebook Statuses - Some of these took my breath away. I didn’t know a Facebook status could make you facepalm in real life. [Buzzfeed]

The Funniest Twitter Reactions To Rick Perry’s Exit - The best reaction to Rick Perry’s exit is smiling and loving yourself, because you aren’t the kind of person who supports Rick Perry and live in a world where he doesn’t get to be President. Eat a dick, Rick Perry. [HuffPost Comedy]

7 Eerily Accurate Rob Lowe Tweets - He is, literally, God here. [The FW]

Ever Wonder What Snooki Would Look Like Without Makeup? - I think she looks way, way better. Huge upgrade. She looks her age, and doesn’t look like something from Ghoulies. [FARK]

Enjoy the Awesome Introduction Video for the O’Neill Girls 2012 Surf Team - I will! [Brobible]

Two things about this:

1. If Kanye West and Jay-Z name a song “Niggas In Paris” and release it as a single for top 40 radio, I am not going to feel weird about typing “Niggas In Paris” on this blog. That’s the name of the song. Also, for like two months I thought people were talking about Joni Mitchell.

2. Fan songs are supposed to be bad. They’re supposed to be what you upload when you’ve downed too many Coors Lights and think it’d be funny to say “Fister” instead of “sister”. They’re for bragging about how your team is going to win the Super Bowl three games into the season and nothing bad could possibly happen.

Those things being said, this San Francisco 49ers fan song set to “Niggas In Paris” is really freaking good and manages to be both cleverly written AND time appropriate. They could’ve just done ‘Red And Yellow’ or whatever and been fine, but they put in an effort, and I appreciate it. An example, courtesy of Shutdown Corner‘s expert transcription skills:

Ball so hard, let’s stop Cruz. Manningham’ll be locked up, too.
If you was hit like Pierre was hit, you probably gon’ cough the ball up, too.

And hopefully you don’t need me to explain why “that Smith cray” is great. Drunk Texas Train Lady needs to step up her game. Suggestion: a Baltimore Ravens song called “Murder to Excellence”.

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Links

The Bizarre Twitter Obsession With Tim Tebow Possibly Having Herpes - Apparently Twitter has never heard of cold sores. Ron Mexico has herpes AND murdered a bunch of dogs, let’s stay focused here, people. [Buzzfeed]

Arkansas State’s One-Armed Fan Deserves Props for an Awesome Sign - Well done. Also, it’s fun to pretend “Brobible” rhymes with “probable”. [Brobible]

The Best Of #Jack Donaghy - “I tracked him down to an address in Brooklyn. He’s on LinkedIn, Lemon. He might as well be dead.” [UPROXX]

The World Was A Much Better Place With MTV’s Rock N Jock Sports - Don’t sleep on this gallery of pants Dan Cortese has worn. MTV should bring this back, but first they’ve got to seem like they’re run by human beings again. [With Leather]

Jay-Z Delivers New Song “Glory” For Baby Blue Ivy - Nas should record a Blue Ivy diss track, now. Jay whimpering about how beautiful his daughter is really puts those SHE’S THE DAUGHTER OF THE ILLUMINATI SATAN rumors into perspective, doesn’t it? [Smoking Section]

“Shameless” Season Two Review: Emmy Rossum Now Even More Naked than Ever - I love how HBO and Showtime have basically just turned into the Mr. Skin Network. Emmy Rossum should try filming an episode with her shirt on and see if the show gets any better. [Pajiba]

Kenny Powers Is Back. Thank God. - “You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push ups you can do.” [Warming Glow]

Here’s The Ghost Rider 2/He-Man Mashup Absolutely No One Saw Coming - Solid, but not as good as the Four Non Blondes/He-Man mash-up (though few things are). [UPROXX]

What’s With The Devil Inside’s Ending? - I hate this so much I can barely put it into words. This is the Lynchburg Virginia Haunted House of movies. Sure, the house is great, but there’s a dude waiting to tell me to go to his church and get keen on Jesus at the end. [Film Drunk]

Is Spanish Actress Lina Sanz Angelina Jolie’s Long Lost Twin? - I bet Angelina Jolie is really tired of people sending this to her. I also bet she’s never used a computer, and sends e-mails via courier. [The FW]

The Largely Depressing Fates Of 10 Iconic Child Actors - If the people who wrote this think Chunk losing weight and becoming a lawyer is depressing, they should read about what happened to the little girl who voiced Ducky in The Land Before Time. THAT sh*t is depressing. [FARK]

Altering More Childhood Memories with Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone Cosplay - Forget Betty, Pebbles circa ‘The Pebbles & Bamm-Bamm Show’ is where it’s at. [Unreality]

Probably the saddest thing ever covered by 24 hour news. They could’ve just put up a picture of Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes and photoshopped his collar popped. The Ebonics in the title are pretty funny too. They should’ve put “ay,” before it.

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Links

Reports: Beyonce Gives Birth, Twitter Reacts - They named the baby Blue Ivy because Jay-Z is gonna buy the Chicago Cubs and move them to Kentucky! Blergh! [Smoking Section]

Axl Rose Is A Hungry Time Traveler - Axl Rose is such a microcosm of life on this planet, going from a Stephanie Seymour-f**king sociopathic rock star beloved by Beavis to being a fat guy in comedy photoshops. Such is life. [UPROXX]

Which Superhero Franchise Has Produced the Worst Video Games? A (Sort of) Scientific Study - This is pretty interesting, but I don’t buy that Spider-Man had 11 good games. The closet a Spider-Man game ever came to being good was marred forever by MY BALLOOONNNN! [Gamma Squad]

Creepy Got Milk? Ads Throughout the Years - Nothin’ creepy about Yasmine Bleeth. WEll, until later, I mean. [Warming Glow]

An Exclusive Gif from Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie - So it’s come to this: exclusive gifs. Hopefully one day we’ll hype movies by getting the stars to warn you on AIM. [Film Drunk]

Sh*t Wookiees Say Is The Definitive Sh*t Said By Someone - Gonna put together a Sh*t Bodysnatches Say video where it’s just people pointing at you and screaming. [UPROXX]

54 Beautifully Offensive Desktop Wallpapers - Keep in mind, they get pretty offensive. I want to create the opposite of these, where it’s a picture of lynchings or Nguyen Ngoc Loan murdering a dude with CORGIS in big capital white letters in the background. [Buzzfeed]

7 Ridiculous Workout and Diet Commercials - Fat Jennifer Hudson is such a creep. Why are you wearing that? I know for a fact that your household has higher fashion standards than that. /coffee slurp [The FW]

Jaleel White Wants To Be On Breaking Bad - Accidentally knocks over the meth lab, asks if he did that, requests cheese, gets put in a headlock by one or more Bushwhackers. America’s white 20-somethings go apesh*t. [FARK]

‘The Simpsons’ Tries For Guinness World Record - The Simpsons should try to make a funny episode. [HuffPostTV]

Batman Gets Seuss-ified - The best part is that Joel Schumacher already made the modern day Grinch/Cat In The Hat-style Seuss Batman movie, where he’s just sarcastic the whole time and makes adult jokes. It’s called Batman & Robin. [Unreality]