Last week, Carolina Panthers center Ryan Kalil (pictured above at Comic Con 2011 because it’s important) took out a full page ad in the Charlotte Observer, promising fans of his team that the Panthers were going to win Super Bowl XLVII. Obviously, with the season still a month away, and the Panthers coming off a 6-10 season, some people responded to that ad with a hearty, “LOLwut?”

On Saturday, though, Kalil backed his words up with some reassurance.

“I knew I’d take some heat for it, and rightfully so. It’s a bold thing to say, especially in such a tough game,” Kalil said. “But what I care about is who I wrote it for and who it was intended for, and that was the fans and my teammates. So in that regard it’s been very positive.” (Via the Sacramento Bee)

My immediate response to this was, “Oh sh*t, the Twitters are going to eat this dude alive.” However, aside from fans of the other NFC South teams and the typical major market loudmouths, most people seem to dig that Kalil did this. It’s probably because it was a gesture to his fan base, which is rare and refreshing, especially when done with the over-the-top aplomb and bravado replaced by passion and respect.

Kalil’s ad inspired me to ask the question, “What would it look like if more players, coaches, and owners reached out to their fans by guaranteeing Super Bowl victories?” So I went ahead and made some newspaper ads for some players and one special owner to use if they so desire.

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"Buy me some Smirnoff Ice and Armani slacks, I don't care if I *mumble mumble*, bro."

Forgive me for that headline, as hyperbole usually isn’t in my wheelhouse, but holy Harry Caray, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler did a number on the classic Wrigley Field 7th inning stretch on Saturday. Our beloved J-Cutty was on hand at the Friendly Confines to throw out the first pitch and sing “Take me Out to the Ballgame” and it was just plain bad.

Cutler also spent the bottom half of the 7th inning in the booth with Bob Brenly and Len Kasper, and the entire package was just one epic disaster of awkwardness. Ultimately, it’s what I expected from the socially reluctant Cutler, who never seems like he wants to be anywhere. Hell, I thought the cherry on top was when he returned to his seat without the Cubs jersey that he was visibly struggling to button up as he entered the booth.

But hey, not everyone has to be a Cubs fan to appreciate tradition. However, would it be too much of me to ask these celebrities and Cubs fans to simply learn the lyrics to a short song that people have been singing for more than 100 years? I don’t think so. And to answer my own question, no. Cutler wasn’t the worst. Perhaps he was the most uninspired or uninterested, but there have been many far worse. And I have them to punish us all.

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Welcome to my day-late weekly predictions that will astound and amaze you, because they’re so incredibly tuned into to a psychic frequency that nobody else on this planet could come up with them. Since I started making predictions a few weeks ago, I’ve been right about everything. Even the stuff that might have been wrong was technically right, because I say it was. It’s not really hard being a psychic.

This week, we take a look into the crystal ball to see if David Stern really will stick to his guns and stop the L.A. Clippers from flopping, Matt Leinart can turn Carson Palmer into the perfect QB and if anyone would ever believe that Phil Jackson would even remotely entertain the idea of coaching a team as dysfunctional and broken as the Orlando Magic. SIM SIM SALABIM!

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"It's a bro? Hey tiny dog bro, I'm having a son bro!"

It’s pretty amusing that celebrities think they can keep secrets, what with that whole Internet thing combined with nobody being able to shut up, but bless their hearts, Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler and his fiancée Kristin Cavallari didn’t want to announce the sex of their expected child. But Bears WR Earl Bennett sucks at keeping secrets, so he went ahead and told everyone that J-Cutty is having a boy.

Somewhere, Brian Urlacher shrugged and said, “Whatever, there’ll be plenty of other girls to date in 2029.”

“He’s having a boy,” Bennett, 25, said on the Boers & Bernstein sports radio show in Chicago Tuesday. “I am excited for Jay. It’s a great time.”

“I think every guy wants a guy to carry on the name,” the former reality star told Glamoholic in March. “But he doesn’t care. I just want to have a healthy baby.” (Via People)

I love that quote, just because I can see the doctor saying, “Jay and Kristin, I have the results of your sonogram. Would you like to know your baby’s sex?” and Cutler responding, “Whatevs.”

I have no clue when the baby is expected, because nobody knows when J-Cutty completed the most important pass of his life, but it’s nice to see that K-Cavs isn’t blowing up like Jessica Simpson, who just had her child (Maxwell Drew Johnson… that’s a girl, mind you) with former San Francisco 49ers and New Orleans Saints TE Eric Johnson. In fact, I have a picture from Simpson’s delivery…

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Back in January, With Leather’s favorite quarterbro Jay Cutler announced that he and his fiancée, Kristin Cavallari, were expecting their first child. We’re still a few months away from their blessed birth, and most Chicago Bears fans are probably more concerned with Cutler’s thumb injury and his steady recovery, but we’re talking about J-Cutty’s name legacy here. Let’s prioritize, people.

Despite still not being married yet – an already overwhelmed Tim Tebow shakes his head in disapproval – Cavallari told Glamoholic magazine (apparently that’s a real thing) in a recent interview that she’s ready to play receiver for her man’s protein passes at least three more time.

“We’re talking about the possibility of having another kid right away and then getting married so we can have 2 kids close in age.”

“We want 4 kids, so we’re thinking maybe have one more, then get married, then have two more but we’ll see, it all depends on how the first one goes.”

If I had to play Vegas oddsmaker right now, I’d put 2 kids at 15:1, 3 kids at 100:1 and 4 kids at 1,000:1 with those odds doubling each time Cavallari pops a new one out. Seriously, if these two already look like this when they’re getting off a plane from a vacation, imagine what they’ll look like with rugrats in tow.

But I support them, as J-Cutty and I are already solid bro dudes, and I’d like to offer them some advice, from one athlete-celebrity couple to another athlete-celebrity couple.

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"Dude, you've gotta stop going to night clubs, k bro?"

When Fox Sports reporter and Bond villain Jay Glazer broke the news yesterday afternoon that the Miami Dolphins had traded receiver Brandon Marshall to the Chicago Bears for two third round draft picks, a few theories hit the Twitters:

1) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.
2) The Dolphins were freeing up as much money as they could to sign Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne.
3) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.

After all, how could they send away their best offensive weapon for less than what they traded for him just two seasons ago unless they had one hell of a plan? Well, Wayne signed a new 3-year deal with the Indianapolis Colts last night, Vincent Jackson signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for $11 million a year, Pierre Garcon is a Washington Redskin and Robert Meachem is as good as a Buffalo Bill signed with the San Diego Chargers. So why the hell did the Dolphins trade Marshall?

Cops are investigating whether a star NFL wide receiver with a rough-and-tumble reputation punched a woman in the face at a Chelsea nightclub, sources said Wednesday.

The young woman filed a police report against Brandon Marshall, saying the 6-foot-4, 230-pound wideout smacked her in the eye outside the Marquee nightclub about 4 a.m. Sunday, sources said. (Via the New York Daily News)

That makes a lot more sense. Guilty or not, Marshall is possibly in for a punishment from the league, seeing as he doesn’t exactly have the best history with night clubs. I’m guessing that he’ll be slapped with a suspension just for showing up in the news again, because, fair or not, Roger Goodell can do whatever he damn well pleases.

As for the Bears, they say they were aware of the incident before trading for Marshall, but I have to believe that Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland was prepared to use his “No Take Backs” clause if necessary.