Just when we all thought that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries had ruined the sanctity of marriage forever, Kristin Cavallari took to her Twitter account earlier this afternoon to strike an arrow through the hearts of the non-believers. Kristin has announced that she and Chicago Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler are engaged once more! Ah, that must be great news to Bears fans right now.

In case you forgot – in which case, you should see a physician to treat your amnesia – Cutler and Cavallari were previously engaged for a whopping three months. Cutler proposed during a spur-of-the-moment trip to Cabo in the spring (everyone knows Cancun is the spring spot, brah) but they just couldn’t withstand the media scrutiny, and they split in July.

And that’s not to say that the scrutiny has dissipated. Cutler was recently named the 5th most disliked player in the NFL, behind Mike Vick, Plaxico Burress, Ben Roethlisberger and Albert Haynesworth. That’s some pretty specific company, what with two felons, an accused rapist and a guy who stomped an opposing player’s head and then never tried hard again. But let me just remind everyone that Cutler is a great guy with a great sense of humor and he does so much to help children with diabetes.

And yes, yes I am just being nice so he will invite me to a fashion show. Sue me.

You know, for some reason I thought Ndamukong Suh transmogrifying from the Bob’s Big Boy to humiliate the Cleveland Browns was going to be the best part of this video, but no, in the very next scene he uses a Spirit Bomb to attack Jay Cutler (which, while hilarious, doesn’t seem necessary … you had to break out the Spirit Bomb to defeat Jay Cutler?). And somewhere near the end, Suh gets put in a circus cage as punishment for killing Evan Dietrich-Smith, dismembering him and eating his bones, complete with Resident Evil 1 blood spray. A part of me wishes it’d actually gone down like that, just to see what the NFL would do.

I felt weird sharing the animated Taiwanese reports for the Jerry Sandusky thing, so I’m happy they’re back to making ridiculously-layered-with-reference mountains out of sports blurb molehills. I also love that they can animate someone being killed and eaten but can’t make the numbers on the football jerseys the right size.

"Sometimes a mommy and a daddy just don't love each other anymore, Painty."

With news that Peyton Manning’s neck is simply not healing as expected, it has become clearer than ever that the Indianapolis Colts may be without their legendary franchise quarterback for longer than just this season. We’re talking forever (forever ever). That’s why it’s disheartening to see Colts fans (like the fellas from last week’s banner image) enjoying this whole “Suck for Luck” idea so much. It’s not like Manning suited up for Week 1 and said, “Screw this” and closed a car door on his neck. And it’s not like he’s holding the franchise hostage either.

When Manning originally signed his 4-year extension, it was reported that he was essentially receiving $99 million in guaranteed cash. Of course, that also meant that he had to stay healthy to get that money. You see, that sly hick actually included a clause in his contract that lets the Colts off the hook if he’s unable to play. That’s pretty classy. Not like, you know, crossing Manning’s name out on your replica jersey and writing Luck over it.

But then, that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole thing. Colts fans are allowed to openly cheer for their team to lose because they need to replace Manning. Dolphins fans, though, are jerks and assh*les because they want a shot at their first franchise QB since Dan Marino. Oh well, that all took a step towards moot this week anyway.

Read the rest of this entry »

Last night, I called a buddy of mine who is a pretty big Chicago Bears fan and I asked him if the name Glenn Timmerman rang a bell and he said no. Actually, he said, “Was he the punter in the 80s?” But he hadn’t heard of him, so I asked if he was familiar with the “Tattooed Bears Fan” and he replied, “Ohhhh, that dude’s nuts.” I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this guy.

Timmerman, above, is a lifelong Bears fan with a deep appreciation for tattoos. It started with a Bears tattoo on his arm. Next, he shaved his head and had the Bears logo inked on the back of his dome. Next up was a giant Grizzly on his shoulder, and then he made a decision that hurled him into the annals of fanatic insanity. On October 16, 2005, Timmerman met former Bear Otis Wilson and asked him to sign his body – a creepy-yet-harmless-enough request. Timmerman then drove straight to his favorite tattoo parlor and had Wilson’s signature inked into his body permanently.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sadly, not photoshopped.

Suck for Luck. It’s a pretty simple phrase, right? I mean, it shouldn’t take a team of rocket scientists to comprehend that Stanford QB Andrew Luck is the top QB prospect in college football right now and his name rhymes with suck. Therefore, “Suck for Luck” isn’t exactly unique and I certainly don’t take credit for coming up with the phrase, and this certainly isn’t the only site that posts a “Suck for Luck” power ranking each week. (We’ve just been posting this one longer than the others, so thanks for that.)

I bring this up because I read a humorous argument on the Twitters last week between people taking credit for the “Suck for Luck” campaign, with one person going as far as to claim he came up with it when Luck was a freshman. I won’t point any fingers because this is frivolous and these people don’t deserve the attention, but I just wanted to take a moment to remind people that fans of the Indianapolis Colts and the Miami Dolphins actually have a reason to remain involved with their seasons, no matter what Dwight Freeney and Karlos Dansby think about it.

Let’s not ruin that by being douchebags about taking credit for something that a 5-year old could have created. If we can all agree on that, let’s get on with this week’s suck.

Read the rest of this entry »

Detroit Lions tackle Ndamukong Suh is no stranger to trading paycheck money for Blitz: The League 2-style necksnapping and ballpopping. The league fined him $7,500 for his hit on Jake Delhomme and 15K for his forearm strike (or “two-hand shiver”) to the back of Jay Cutler’s sad head.

Friday night’s game between the Lions and the Cincinnati Bengals happened, and Suh did not react kindly to Richie Cunningham in the pocket. Take a look for yourself.

The NFL hasn’t released any official statement on the hit or the fine, but Ndamukong’s Twitter update has given us an important clue. See if you can figure it out.

Read the rest of this entry »