NBA 6th Man of the Year JR Smith said that if he hadn’t been suspended for Game 4 of the first round of the New York Knicks playoff matchup against the Boston Celtics, he’d be playing golf right now. That’s because the Knicks would have swept the Celtics, you see, but since he wasn’t there to hit a few shots and dance like a wild man in front of Louis CK, Boston won Game 4.

So it should have been over last night with Smith back for Game 5, right? WRONG, YOU FOOLS! The Celtics absolutely stymied the Knicks on defense, making Smith and NBA scoring leader Carmelo Anthony look downright foolish at times in a 92-86 victory that was not nearly as close as the score suggests.

Now, with the Celtics within one game of forcing this series to go the distance, you can imagine that things might be getting a little heated between these two bitter rivals. And it is, because sports are awesome.

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Here’s poor Jason Terry looking like a fifth grader, going up against the Sweet Georgia Brown offense of the Miami Heat and LeBron James. Seriously, the Heat are now officially just the Harlem Globetrotters. Next week they’re gonna use a ladder in the middle of a game and the refs won’t call it. (via ESPN)

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Links

Gamma Squad Is At PAX East This Year, So Tell Us What You Want To See |Gamma Squad|

Breaking Down South By Southwest 2013 By The Numbers |UPROXX|

Why ‘Survivor’s’ Jeff Probst Is The Best Reality Competition Host On Television |Warming Glow|

Rolling Stone used an awesome picture of Al Pacino |Film Drunk|

This Is Why Skydiving Is Stupid And Nobody Should Ever Try It |With Leather|

Rick Ross Doesn’t Speak In New Reebok Commercial And That’s Fine |Smoking Section|

Only The Arena League Will Have Tebow |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Every link in the “sports” section has a colon in it, so please enjoy the visual from this morning’s links title.

Sports

The Change-Up: Five Fighters We Wish Could Switch Bodies - Anything headed by a picture of Crush in her underwear gets a spotlight in the morning links. I wish I could switch bodies with Gina Carano. Also, part of me wishes Gina and Brock Lesnar were my parents. [Cage Potato]

Ed: The World’s Worst Baseball Movie - They should’ve done one of these “animal plays sports” movies with every character from “Friends”. I think MVP: Most Valuable Primate could’ve been even better with Matthew Perry breaking out “could he BE any better at hockey?” [Josh's Websight]

LOLNFL: Training Camp 2011, Part 2 - One thing I’ve never been good at on the Internet is adding big white letters to pictures to make them funny. I’m not knocking it, I just don’t know how to do it. Like, if I see a picture of Tom Brady all I can think to put over it is “TOM BRADY FOOTBALL”. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

The NBA Lockout Report: Ron Artest To Play In Britain Next Year - Finally, Peace comes to the UK. Maybe he has no intentions of playing basketball and just wants to break somebody’s window and steal their blu-ray of Rango. POLITICAL UNREST~! [Smoking Section]

With Leather

The Professional Wrestling Divas Guide to Fantasy Football Tight Ends - I’m happy to have helped with this installment of Burnsy’s Bad Advice. It got Chickbuster AJ onto the list and let me upload the greatest picture of Maryse ever. At least, the greatest work-safe one. [With Leather]

Green Eggs And Cam - Still waiting for somebody to notice the photoshop. Getting people to comment on regular sports blog posts is like translating doggone Shakespeare! [With Leather]

Jason Terry Is Livin’ De Life - And if you ain’t readin’, shorty, then you’re part of the hype. He said he’s livin de life, he said he’s livin de life. Repeat. [With Leather]

Hulk Hogan Weighed in on the UK Riots - Hulk’s about to get a naked picture of his daughter for his birthday (not a joke), so read your last chance ever to take him seriously. Because, uh, you’re still doing that. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Naturally Tyler Perry Gets His Own Cable Network, Jesus Weeps - The best joke on UPROXX all week is in this, comparing The Tyler Perry Channel to Hamsterdam from “The Wire”. I can’t wait for six full hours of “Meet The Browns”, though. [Smoking Section]

The John Stamos Guide to Cuddling - Step 1: Have Mercy. [College Humor]

The Ten Most Vile Actions of the Paddy’s Pub Gang on It’s Always Sunny - S.C.R.A.P.S. really needs to be a real acronym. This list is a great reminder that these people have been getting paid well to do things like building a literal sh*t-hole for the last seven years. [Warming Glow]

This Week in Posters: When Diagonals Attack! - Diagonal is the new Blue And Orange. Be sure to click through and watch the trailer for Disney’s weird, naturalist remake of Powder, which exists for some reason. All that trailer needed to make it perfect was “Chasing Cars”. [Film Drunk]

By way of The Basketball Jones comes the debut rap video from Allen Samuels, a 30-plus-year casino host and 50-plus-year awkward white dude who had an epiphany whilst talking to a flamboyant Frenchman and transformed himself into the Baby Boomer Rebecca Black. “Livin De Life” chronicles Samuels’ rise from riches to additional riches and peppers itself with references to sports stars, Macbooked-in photo opportunities and a cameo from Jason Terry of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks. By the end of it you think A. Samuels is about as cool as you did when it started, but Terry … oh, Jason Terry. What are you doing?

I’m going to hope it’s one of those situations where Jason Terry wanted to get out of a casino debt, and this white guy wandered up and was all “you don’t have to pay anything if you say LIVIN DE LIFE into the camera and smile”. Like Leslie Knope having to say “Viva Chavez” to get money for her park.

You can watch the full-length video below. My favorite part is when he says he’s “living the life”.

I think his sweatshirt is pretty cool. The bigger, the puffier, the fluffier, the bigger the turtleneck the more gangster it is.

Contained in this video:

1. The Dallas Mavericks on the “Late Show with David Letterman” reading a top-10 list about the best parts of winning an NBA Championship.

2. David Letterman with his head down, solemnly reading his script like he’d rather somewhere cleaning the chin grease out of Jay Leno’s 1922 LaFayette. (Also, Dave trying to remember names of basketball teams)

3. Dallas Mavericks players who speak English as a second language trying to deliver wordy punchlines from the writers of “Late Show with David Letterman”.

4. A funny appearance from Caron Butler, who is still my favorite Dallas Maverick because of how good I am with him in NBA Jam.

5. Mark Cuban’s impossibly straight upper row of teeth

Not contained in this video:

1. Any discussion about Jason Terry getting traded to Which Wich? for a large Pepperoni Pizzawich© and a bag of Lay’s potato chips. They could’ve at least included that pimply-faced kid who hands me a water cup and stands forlornly behind his tip jar. Since when did Nike make Which Wich basketball jerseys, and where can I order one?

2. Randy Orton running in at any point and RKO’ing Mark Cuban, which is the only time I’ve ever notably enjoyed Mark Cuban.

3. Conan O’Brien (just saying)

4. DeShawn Stevenson. “Wandering around drunk in an apartment complex while pondering funny new dick t-shirts” would’ve been a great number eleven.

The Dallas Mavericks are going to the NBA Finals, so they’re going to need a rap song featuring basketball words. Thankfully, Dallas-based rapper Dorrough has stepped up, and although “Dallas Mavs (Bounce Dat)” is about as bad as music can get before its classified as garbage truck noises, I’m pretty happy that he didn’t just try to shoehorn “blue and other blue” into the “Black and Yellow” chorus. He’s got his Dallas Maverick hat on, and he’s in the skybox, and he’s yelling out DIRK! DIRK! DIRK!

Highlights of the song include the phrase “we keep the Twitter poppin’” (because “trending on Twitter” is the new “being rich and having sex with girls”), a surprisingly bitch-free rhyme for Stojakovic, and the idea that LeBron James and Dwyane Wade don’t matter because Dallas has “a bunch of names.” It’s also pretty funny that Dirk and Jason Terry get complimented, but Jason Kidd is simply identified as a “vet.” Yeah, that’s about right. The chorus begins with “we all on TV,” and all I can think is, “yeah, the Mavericks are, but what channel are you on, Dorrough?”

[H/T Pineriders]