Dolphins defensive end/foxtrot extraordinare Jason Taylor will find out tonight if he'll take home that disco-inspired Dancing With The Stars trophy. Jason, if you win, don't take it to minicamp, because Parcells will wipe his ass with it before rubbing the turd-faced gem on under-performing rookies. The man knows how to motivate.
So yeah, Parcells is getting menstral, and Greg Cote of The Miami Herald took time off from pleasuring women everywhere to document as much:
Few players in the NFL have served one franchise longer or with more distinction than Taylor, but the thanks Taylor gets from his new boss is nearly six months of cold shoulder. That's insulting. That's dumb of Parcells. Taylor said on ESPN's Sunday Conversation he is in ''five times'' better shape right now than when he was NFL Defensive Player of the Year in 2006. Forgive him the hyperbole. Now make a short list of Dolphin players you needn't worry in the least about for 2008, either from a production or conditioning standpoint, and who do you rank above Taylor?…Nobody.
Snap! But it's pretty obvious that Taylor (a) probably won't give a shit about football after 2008, and (2) wouldn't mind irritating the new czar long enough to get out of Miami. I mean, it's not like there's anywhere to dance in Miami.
Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor is apparently still on Dancing with the Stars, and last night he danced to the Monday Night Football theme. If you think that doing a samba to the MNF theme sounds like a bad idea, wait until you see his eye black. I couldn't even look directly at this video. I watched it with my peripheral vision, because eye contact with my monitor just didn't feel right.
Right now there are writers for The Office getting fired for not coming up with scenes this awkward.
Believe it or not, I have a lot of respect for dance. It's an art that requires all sorts of grace and agility and strength that I don't have. But when an athlete goes on "Dancing with the Stars," I'm just not going to be all that impressed. Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor, for example, does things like speed-rush past a 340-pound tackle to drag down another 230-pound pro athlete, then he goes on this show and judges praise his posture. "Wow, you were really good at standing up straight!" Taylor also drew a picture of a kitty cat in front of a house for the old British judge, and he absolutely loved it. He put it on his fridge and everything.
The other thing I can't stand about this video is the unnecessarily staged reality show bullshit. "My 'poker friends' gave me this pink tutu, so wouldn't it be funny if I wore it in the dance studio?" And by poker friends he means one of the show's gay or female producers, because men who play poker don't buy gag gifts for other men unless it's fake dog shit or a singing fish mounted on the wall. It's a stupid fake gag that adds nothing to the show. Fuck you, network TV.
next round of ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." It's fucking stupid to write about, because no amount of mockery from awesome people like me will stop otherwise credible athletes from joining the likes of Jerry Springer and Joey Fatone on that show. On the other hand, it'll be light years more interesting than most Dolphins games last year.
Basically the only reason to watch that show is to see the wonders that a career of dancing does for the female instructors (and, on occasion, hot contestants like season 1 winner Kelly Monaco, pictured on the left with show regulars Regina Poryes, Kym Johnson and Cheryl Burke in Vegas). Those women are tauter than guitar strings. Makes you wanna turn 'em inside out, wear their skin, and play their internal organs like a set of bagpipes.
…metaphorically, of course.
The catfight between the Dolphins' Jason Taylor and the Chargers' Shawne Merriman is reaching fabulous new heights. Taylor, who claimed that Merriman's steroid suspension earlier this year should preclude him from consideration for Defensive Player of the Year, is likely the non-steroid-using favorite for the award. And now Merriman has fired back:
"I sent him a 'Lights Out' hat and a 'Lights Out' T-shirt and a bag of popcorn, so he can watch us in the playoffs."
Ooh, burrrrrrrrrrrrnnnn.
Merriman then added, "I also sent him four cycles of nandralone so maybe he can play at my level." Merriman finished his press conference by nailing Zach Thomas's sister.
