Minnesota Vikings defensive lineman Jared Allen–he of the “partying with two Rs” set–is the proprietor of what might be one of the worst on-field celebrations in the history of sport. That little butter-churning move he does after every sack is actually a pantomime of a calf rustling, like you might see in a rodeo. Fortunately, due to a new interpretation of NFL rules, that will be the only place you’ll see it.

The league prohibits players from going to the ground in celebrations. After sacks, Allen takes a knee, pretends to rope a calf and then throws his arms in the air. Allen presumably can still perform his celebration as long as he’s standing on his feet.

Allen has performed his post-sack celebration for years so it’s curious the league is threatening punishment now. Asked about the new stance, a league spokesman wrote in an e-mail: “That is how the new head of officiating wants it enforced.” –Star-Trib.

Jared has one sack to his credit on the season, and it’s unclear whether he either avoided the routine after the fact, or performed some permutation of it. Either way, I consider it a positive to see this little dance get hog-tied. It looks like Nancy Kerrigan having a stroke and masturbating at the same time. No offense to those of you that are into that sort of thing.

It’s pretty common knowledge that Jared Allen is an awesome individual. The Vikings defensive end maintained his badassitude over the offseason, by traveling all over the country to kill as many things as possible. His favorite game to hunt? Bear, of course. Take notes, effeminate males everywhere.

“Oh yeah, I got black bear up in Idaho, I got a pure David deer down in Florida. I think that’s about all. Let’s see. Some coyotes and stuff like that down in Texas. But probably the thing I was most excited about was the black bear I got up there in Idaho.” –Game On

Unlike Oregon Trail, however, Jared couldn’t just leave what he killed lying around to rot. Brett Favre requires that him to use every part of the bear to thank its spirit for the bounty. Read the rest of this entry »

Jay Glazer of FOX Sports and MMA training foolishness just dropped this gem of a tweet. Apparently, America’s long national nightmare is over.

Brett Favre has told trio of vikings who came to persuade him to return that he is “back in” and is on plane back to minny now via.

That trio was three of Favre’s Minnesota teammates from last year: defensive end Jared Allen, offensive lineman Steve Hutchinson and kicker Ryan Longwell. Yes, they sent the kicker to get Favre back. Hey, it seemed to work.

Hopefully this will be the end of the media’s game of Let’s Update Everyone On Everything That Brett Favre Does.

Favre is at a Hattiesburg Starbucks!

Favre is grabbing a muffin!

It’s blueberry!

Favre is at the register! We have confirmed that Brett Favre is at the register!

Will that be all, the cashier asks! Will it, Brett? WILL! THAT! BE! ALL!???

HE’S PAYING WITH CAAASH!!!

Sorry ladies, but Jared Allen is off the market. The 6-foot-6 Minnesota Vikings defensive end recently married the luckiest woman on the planet (totally a hetero man crush, I promise) and the newlyweds spent some time in Italy for their honeymoon. Allen spilled the beans about his exploits to Dan Patrick and it’s as awesome as you would expect it to be. Mainly because it didn’t feature one mention of Brett Favre. Just kidding.

Allen talked about everything from his wedding song to Favre declining to attend his wedding (*cough* d*ckhead *cough*) but the best details regarded his poolside attire while lounging with his wife in the Amalfi Coast of Italy. He claims he wore his Vikings jersey, except with some modifications – basically, he made it into a cutoff. And he wore a Speedo.

Time for some manscaping, Sports Illustrated:

Read the rest of this entry »

Jared Allen strikes me a man of the people, a guy that likes to “party…with two Rs,” if you will. So it doesn’t surprise me that the Minnesota Vikings defensive end was hanging out in a bar like an ordinary guy. But I was disappointed when some dumb bastard looking for attention told Jared Allen’s fiancee, who was with Allen at the time, that he would see her next Tuesday, if you know what I mean. I suspect that you do.

When Jared heard the insult, the 6’6″, 270 pound Pro Bowler — who’s also an avid hunter — told the guy, “I’ll break your f*cking neck homeboy … and then I’ll write a check to your f*cking name too.”

Jared’s rep at EAG Sports management tells TMZ, “No matter what, Jared will always protect and defend his family.”

There’s video of the scene in the bar after the jump. I wonder if Allen did that little Magic Butter dance when he got outside. You know, that silly thing he does every time he gets a sack. It looks like he’s churning butter and then goes “Tada!” Magic Butter, people. Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s Vikings defensive lineman Jared Allen discussing the virtues of his mullet in one of those NFL Players videos, and I honestly can’t tell if dude is working a tongue-in-cheek angle or he’s dead serious.

We have have chest hair, even if it is shaped like a heart, which is pretty tight. But that’s the lifestyle of the mullet. I approach you from the front, you’re like, “Wow, this dude’s pretty serious.” Then I walk away; you’re like, “Damn, he likes to party…with two Rs!”

It’s mighty, and the fact that they made the video in a barber shop, where he had lines shaved into only one side of his head is pretty amazing. He’s like the white Chad Johnson, except actually good. Video’s after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »