Patrick Willis obviously listens to Kenny F*cking Powers.

Kenny Powers isn’t perfect. I know, I spit out my Mountain Dew and bourbon when I wrote that, too. But it’s true. He’s a man who has made mistakes after tasting legend status, and he’s paid the greatest price for his arrogance in taking his God-given talent for granted. America, though, is about second chances and stories of redemption. That’s why when some people see Kenny as a man who hates foreigners, the truth is that he just loves American and feels “that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.” Patriotism, indeed.

As Kenny continues his baseball renaissance and his climb back to the top, where he will wear the Scream mask all he wants, he has been given the unbelievable honor of becoming the first ever Mother F*cking CEO of K-Swiss. And his appointment is already changing the lives of thousands of professional athletes and millions of aspiring athletes. For once, thanks to Kenny Powers, his incredible motivational speaking ability and his opus, K-Swiss Blades – you’re f*cking in.

Hearing Kenny speak and feeling his words attack my ears like a bulletproof tiger, I can see how San Francisco 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis was inspired to chase down that slow ass animal and tackle it with his bare hands. That got me to thinking, aren’t there some athletes out there that could have used a guy like Kenny F*cking Powers years ago? You bet your Double D’s.

It was awfully hard to believe that someone as talented as JaMarcus Russell – the No. 1 pick in the 2007 NFL Draft – could just apathetically throw it all away once the Oakland Raiders realized that he was a colossal bust and cut ties with him. After all, if a team could just work with him and schedule meetings and practices around last call and his 10 a.m. alarm, he might actually deliver on what we once saw at LSU.

And according to a news source that I’ve never heard of, that team has finally stepped forward. It appears that Russell’s comeback will begin with the Louisiana Swashbucklers of the Professional Indoor Football League. Who says dreams don’t come true? Well, PR people, for starters.

Swashbucklers media relations director Duane Bergeron on Thursday said the organization would not confirm or deny contact with Russell or his agent.

General manager and president Chris Meaux released the following statement through Bergeron: “We are not prepared, at this time, to comment on any player-contract negotiations.”

(Via The American Press)

God, I hope this is true. And I bet that Russell hopes it’s true, too. Think about it – indoors? That means AC, probably a couch and a flat screen, naps when the defense takes the field. And that field is half the size of a regular field so interceptions and 4-and-outs will come twice as quick. Can he play in a Snuggie? Because that would be great.

There are few signs of failure as bright and as obvious as your life coach quitting on you. But there are so few practitioners of failure like former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell (not pictured). Two sources close to Russell told Yahoo!’s Jason Cole that former NBA coach John Lucas kicked Russell out of Houston.

“The title of your article should be, ‘It’s Over,’ ” the same source said. “It’s just amazing that you could say that about somebody who is 25 years old and just got drafted four years ago. But it’s been almost a year since he got cut and there’s no interest. Even before the lockout, nobody wanted to get near the kid.”

Russell, as the first overall pick in 2007, has to be the biggest bust in NFL history. In this day and age of super-scouting and other obsessive means of player evaluation, no first-overall pick has any business being out of the league in four years. None. But that’s JaMarcus, man. Dude just keeps lowering the bar.

Former No. 1 draft pick and current unemployment rate contributor JaMarcus Russell is facing foreclosure on his Oakland home that is worth an estimated $2.4 million. According to TMZ, the codeine enthusiast is behind on his mortgage payments to the tune of $195,512.05 and he has three months to pay up or his home will be auctioned. I will bid on this house, but only if his fur coats are included.

Here’s what I don’t get, and I openly ask any of our millionaire readers to correct my ignorance – JaMarcus signed a deal worth $61 million when the Oakland Raiders made him the top pick in the 2007 NFL draft. $32 million of that deal was guaranteed, so how the hell does he even have a house payment for a $2.4 million home? Far be it for me to criticize the wealthy but as someone who appreciates not being homeless or having my credit destroyed, I just think it makes sense to pay the whole thing off up front.

But hey, what am I worried about? I’m sure the Washington Redskins will take care of his financial woes soon enough.

Side Thought: New JaMarcus nickname – Fail Whale. I think it has legs.

The Miami Dolphins kept their dwindling playoff hopes alive with a 29-17 win over the Tennessee Titans yesterday, but they’ll have to keep pressing on without quarterbacks Chad Henne and Chad Pennington, who were both removed from the game with serious injuries. Coach Tony Sparano had named Pennington the starter after Henne was throwing picks at a Cutlerian/Favrean rate, but the oft-injured veteran was injured very early in his return. Pennington reinjured his surgically repaired shoulder, which was already agitated by his notebook paper physique, and this pretty much means his career is over.

Henne, on the other hand, played for most of the first three quarters, ignoring Brandon Marshall with Hall-of-Fame precision, before he eventually took a shot to his knee, dislocating his kneecap and most likely ending his season. Tyler Thigpen took over for the banging Chads in the fourth quarter, and seeing as the former Kansas City Chief is the only QB left in Miami with a solid bill of health, it’s his ship to sink now.

Raise up our new hero, Sun-Sentinel, and let us worship this golden idol:

That brought in Tyler Thigpen. He hadn’t worked with the first team offense even in a practice all season. But Thigpen drove the Dolphins 85 yards in nine plays to seal the win.

A day needing a spark found one in Thigpen. And a season? Too early to suggest that. And what bad luck for Henne and Pennington, as well as Tony Sparano, who stressed over a quarterback change that lasted 43 seconds. Still, Thigpen proved a glimpse that he brings something to the table, too.

The Dolphins have already been mentioned with free agent JaMarcus Russell, prompting the first of 6 million “He’s bringing his appetite to South Beach” jokes. But ESPN took a break from talking about Brett Favre’s shoulder “injury” to mention that the Dolphins are expected to sign free agent QB Pat Ramsey so Dan Marino will now sweat his team records even harder.

The former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell, chosen No. 1 over all in the 2007 N.F.L. draft, was arrested in Mobile, Ala., and charged with possession of codeine syrup, a controlled substance, without a prescription. A sheriff’s spokeswoman said Russell, 24, was arrested at his home during an undercover investigation. He was booked into the Mobile jail and released on $2,500 bond. –NYTimes

JaMarcus could have just rode his NFL career out into the sunset, but now, unfortunately for him, he’s approaching the Ryan Leaf precedent of awful. That’s fine with me, because it means we get more Gabourey Sidney photoshops, and man does she look good in that jersey!

Russell had received interest from the Jets after he was cut from the Raiders this off-season, but the Jets have decided to give that money to charity. Whether or not the arrest will put his contract with the Omaha Nighthawks in jeopardy is yet to be determined. What can be determined is that JaMarcus will continue to be a source of comedy for years to come. A metaphor for Russell’s career after the jump.

The Fourth of July is quickly approaching, and what better way to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence than gratuitous gluttony? For years, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, held on the Fourth of July, has been as American as baseball football, grilled meat, and grain alcohol. Japanese eating sensation, Takeru Kobayashi, is as American as Hello Kitty panty vending machines unbridled capitalism, as he has recently declared that he will sit out Nathan’s this year. The cause? Contract disputes with Major League Eating. Ironically, he’s asking for a bigger food stipend when on the road. In other news, people are still starving to death daily in Africa.

Kobayashi, perhaps the most recognizable figure in the world of competitive eating, is currently is ranked No. 3 in the world by Major League Eating, the organization that oversees the Nathan’s Famous event and dozens of other contests around the globe. Attempts to reach him were unsuccessful.

Is the slender 32-year-old from Japan too full to compete? Has he suffered another jaw injury? Nope. It’s a contractual dispute between him and MLE, according to the league.

Pro eaters sign contracts agreeing that they’ll participate in only MLE-sanctioned events; these contracts don’t guarantee pay for eaters, who instead earn money from league-approved endorsements and prize earnings. Richard Shea, the organization’s president, issued a statement Monday indicating that negotiations with the 160-pound pro eater had reached an impasse, but offered no other details. –WSJ

Kobayashi is ranked third in the world by Major League Eating, and I have no Idea who numbers 1 and 2 are (/searches Google). So they’re Joey Chestnut and Bob Shoudt, and much to my dismay, there’s not a big, fat guy to be found in their top 50. Christ, with so many people who are morbidly obease, you think we could get some bigger people to actually eat in competitions. Why are there skinny Asian women in a hot dog eating contest? They need to give JaMarcus Russell a call. Highlights of last year’s contest after the jump. They’re in HD, which is good, because now you can see the failure in their eyes.

A source with knowledge of the situation tells us that the expansion Omaha Nighthawks could be signing Russell, who would team up with running back Ahman Green in the team’s backfield. –PFT

He’s being looked at by an expansion UFL team? That means the UFL is expanding, which is confusing on so many levels. Who’s going to UFL games? Apparently, the citizens of San Antonio and Omaha clamoring for a UFL franchise. They were so inspired by the play of Brooks Bollinger.

Omaha fans should be excited about a Russell-Green backfield, but they’re missing an Antwaan Randel-El type piece to make their offense suck. Never mind, they want to sign Eric Crouch. I tried to think of a reason they’d want Eric Crouch, but my brain almost exploded. If they’re looking for washed up Heisman winners to sign, I’m pretty sure Ron Dayne and Chris Weinke are looking for work, too.

The decision comes less than two weeks after Oakland acquired Jason Campbell from Washington to take over at quarterback.

Russell will now likely be considered the biggest draft bust in NFL history. He will have been paid more than $39 million by the Raiders, while producing only seven wins as a starter. –the monolith.

Dollar-for-dollar, yeah, nobody can touch JaMarcus. However, and I’ve said this before, he might have also been the worst No. 1 overall in NFL history. Worse than Tim Couch? Clearly. Worse than Tony Mandarich? I would make that argument, especially since Mandarich at least had some semblance of a college career. Russell started for, what, one year? At least Russell will have some time to put things in perspective, at least until the Bengals sign him next week.

Oakland Raiders fatty JaMarcus Russell looks like he’ll be heading out the door, and not to the buffet, even though that sounds really good right now. I wonder if Al Davis takes him to the buffet and tries to pass him off as a ten-year-old, because my dad totally did that. But no, seriously, his ass is getting canned.

Reports indicated the Raiders have already set up Russell’s release and only need the confirmation of owner Al Davis to finalize the matter.

Russell, 1st overall pick in 2007 NFL entry draft, is expected to receive $9.45 million ($3 million in guaranteed money) for 2010.

The Raiders laid the groundwork to dispatch Russell after they dealt their 2012 fourth round draft pick to the Washington Redskins for quarterback Jason Campbell Saturday. –All Headline News.

JaSuckus might have earned the easiest $39 million ever. Some people will point to this as Exhibit A for rookie salary caps. Well, (a) rookie salaries are already constrained by NFL rules, and (b) even when he was drafted, he was a horrible No. 1 pick. So why should the Raiders have to spend all that money on him? Because they were terrible the year before and it’s fair that they pay a premium for choosing off the top of the pile. JaMarcus had one good year at LSU, which apparently was enough to be the biggest NFL bust not named Ryan Leaf.