As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.

In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.

I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.

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Patrick Willis obviously listens to Kenny F*cking Powers.

Kenny Powers isn’t perfect. I know, I spit out my Mountain Dew and bourbon when I wrote that, too. But it’s true. He’s a man who has made mistakes after tasting legend status, and he’s paid the greatest price for his arrogance in taking his God-given talent for granted. America, though, is about second chances and stories of redemption. That’s why when some people see Kenny as a man who hates foreigners, the truth is that he just loves American and feels “that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.” Patriotism, indeed.

As Kenny continues his baseball renaissance and his climb back to the top, where he will wear the Scream mask all he wants, he has been given the unbelievable honor of becoming the first ever Mother F*cking CEO of K-Swiss. And his appointment is already changing the lives of thousands of professional athletes and millions of aspiring athletes. For once, thanks to Kenny Powers, his incredible motivational speaking ability and his opus, K-Swiss Blades – you’re f*cking in.

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It was awfully hard to believe that someone as talented as JaMarcus Russell – the No. 1 pick in the 2007 NFL Draft – could just apathetically throw it all away once the Oakland Raiders realized that he was a colossal bust and cut ties with him. After all, if a team could just work with him and schedule meetings and practices around last call and his 10 a.m. alarm, he might actually deliver on what we once saw at LSU.

And according to a news source that I’ve never heard of, that team has finally stepped forward. It appears that Russell’s comeback will begin with the Louisiana Swashbucklers of the Professional Indoor Football League. Who says dreams don’t come true? Well, PR people, for starters.

Swashbucklers media relations director Duane Bergeron on Thursday said the organization would not confirm or deny contact with Russell or his agent.

General manager and president Chris Meaux released the following statement through Bergeron: “We are not prepared, at this time, to comment on any player-contract negotiations.”

(Via The American Press)

God, I hope this is true. And I bet that Russell hopes it’s true, too. Think about it – indoors? That means AC, probably a couch and a flat screen, naps when the defense takes the field. And that field is half the size of a regular field so interceptions and 4-and-outs will come twice as quick. Can he play in a Snuggie? Because that would be great.

There are few signs of failure as bright and as obvious as your life coach quitting on you. But there are so few practitioners of failure like former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell (not pictured). Two sources close to Russell told Yahoo!’s Jason Cole that former NBA coach John Lucas kicked Russell out of Houston.

“The title of your article should be, ‘It’s Over,’ ” the same source said. “It’s just amazing that you could say that about somebody who is 25 years old and just got drafted four years ago. But it’s been almost a year since he got cut and there’s no interest. Even before the lockout, nobody wanted to get near the kid.”

Russell, as the first overall pick in 2007, has to be the biggest bust in NFL history. In this day and age of super-scouting and other obsessive means of player evaluation, no first-overall pick has any business being out of the league in four years. None. But that’s JaMarcus, man. Dude just keeps lowering the bar.

Former No. 1 draft pick and current unemployment rate contributor JaMarcus Russell is facing foreclosure on his Oakland home that is worth an estimated $2.4 million. According to TMZ, the codeine enthusiast is behind on his mortgage payments to the tune of $195,512.05 and he has three months to pay up or his home will be auctioned. I will bid on this house, but only if his fur coats are included.

Here’s what I don’t get, and I openly ask any of our millionaire readers to correct my ignorance – JaMarcus signed a deal worth $61 million when the Oakland Raiders made him the top pick in the 2007 NFL draft. $32 million of that deal was guaranteed, so how the hell does he even have a house payment for a $2.4 million home? Far be it for me to criticize the wealthy but as someone who appreciates not being homeless or having my credit destroyed, I just think it makes sense to pay the whole thing off up front.

But hey, what am I worried about? I’m sure the Washington Redskins will take care of his financial woes soon enough.

Side Thought: New JaMarcus nickname – Fail Whale. I think it has legs.

The Miami Dolphins kept their dwindling playoff hopes alive with a 29-17 win over the Tennessee Titans yesterday, but they’ll have to keep pressing on without quarterbacks Chad Henne and Chad Pennington, who were both removed from the game with serious injuries. Coach Tony Sparano had named Pennington the starter after Henne was throwing picks at a Cutlerian/Favrean rate, but the oft-injured veteran was injured very early in his return. Pennington reinjured his surgically repaired shoulder, which was already agitated by his notebook paper physique, and this pretty much means his career is over.

Henne, on the other hand, played for most of the first three quarters, ignoring Brandon Marshall with Hall-of-Fame precision, before he eventually took a shot to his knee, dislocating his kneecap and most likely ending his season. Tyler Thigpen took over for the banging Chads in the fourth quarter, and seeing as the former Kansas City Chief is the only QB left in Miami with a solid bill of health, it’s his ship to sink now.

Raise up our new hero, Sun-Sentinel, and let us worship this golden idol:

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