For as long as people have been posting humiliating home videos to YouTube with the hopes of becoming the next Star Wars kid or Tay Zonday, my absolute favorite has always been the goofy white kid showing off his slam dunk moves on a NERF hoop in his basement. Naturally, I’m a little geeked that after several years of being the (latest) authority in telling us about those videos, Daniel Tosh finally tracked down the man who was once that boy in his basement for a new segment entitled, “30 For 30.0”.

Of course, I also worried that it would just be typical Tosh fare, in that he’d help recreate the original video with his own special, snarky touch, but the guy who once stabbed Kate Upton in the tit with a banana actually put a little extra into this spoof, recruiting Jalen Rose, Bill Simmons, Spud Webb and even Darryl “Chocolate Thunder” Dawkins to tell the story of Ryan, a goofy redheaded kid from Michigan who was a beast on the NERF hoop.

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I wanted to give this update a more clever title, but the next 250 stories you read about Jalen Rose serving 20 days in jail for his drunk driving arrest are going to be called JAILIN’ ROSE, and I mean come on, how much better can you get than that? Parenting advice: If you want to keep your son out of prison, don’t put “jail” in his name.

From the Detroit Free Press:

Judge Kimberly Small, known for her tough stance on drunken driving, ordered the former NBA player and University of Michigan basketball star to serve 93 days in jail, but she suspended all but 20 of those days.

Small, during a 40-minute sentencing hearing in 48th District Court in Bloomfield Township, told Rose: “You’re not here because you drank. I have no problem with that. Have at it. I do mind when you get behind the wheel of a two-ton vehicle and use it as a weapon against the rest of us.”

Keith Davidson, Rose’s California-based attorney, made sure to explain that driving drunk was No Big D as soon as the sentence was announced. Also, he’s a lawyer who quotes Gorilla Monsoon.

“We have two crimes here … what my client did, and what happened here today,” he said. “What we have is an elected judge legislating from the bench. What we saw today was a miscarriage of justice.”

A miscarriage of justice. He should’ve responded with “WILL YOU STOP?” as soon as she finished talking.

Of course, who knows where this will go now. If I have a crack in my windshield I’m legally required to spend two weeks in court and eight months in jail, but then again, I don’t work for ESPN. As a public figure I guess it’s impossible to look at things objectively from either side. From my side it’s, “he got arrested for drunk driving”. From Jalen’s side it’s, “Nobody famous ever pays for this, why should I?” Or the more reasonable one, “I’m sorry and I won’t ever do this again, I promise”. I guess both sides have a point. Although one side drove drunk, so f**k one of the sides.

ESPN NBA analyst and incredibly biased TV documentary producer Jalen Rose was arrested on March 11 for suspicion of DUI after he swerved off the road and rolled his Cadillac Escalade. Yesterday, at his hearing in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, Rose plead guilty to driving under the influence, after he originally told police that he hadn’t been drinking that night and that he never drinks. This time, though, he admitted to the judge that he had six martinis before getting behind the wheel that night. Then Grant Hill kicked open the door to the courtroom, fired off his Tech 9 into the air and shouted, “Martinis? Ain’t no martinis up in dis beeyotch! Playboi dranks da Henn n Hypno, son. You triflin’ ass Michigan punk ain’t know no drankin, son. GRAPE DRANK, SON WHAT!”

*Disclaimer: Grant Hill may not have been at Jalen Rose’s court hearing.

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Unlike Burnsy, I didn’t catch the premiere of the Fab Five documentary on ESPN (sorry, I don’t lap up every dinky little program that the monolith tries to spoon-feed me), but Jalen Rose’s comments about Grant Hill and the Duke basketball team did not go unchallenged, and certainly not by Grant Hill.

Hill, who has 337 more career starts (and counting) than Rose, took to The New York Times to counterpunch Rose’s claim of insufficient blackness (Rose is now an analyst for ESPN, if you didn’t know). But the only thing more pathetic than Jalen’s attempt to cut down Grant Hill for being educated is Hill’s attempt to validate the blue-collar legacy of his family. It’s the 2011 version of “I have lots of black friends.” And it’s sad.

From Hill’s piece:

In his garbled but sweeping comment that Duke recruits only “black players that were ‘Uncle Toms,’ ” Jalen seems to change the usual meaning of those very vitriolic words into his own meaning, i.e., blacks from two-parent, middle-class families. He leaves us all guessing exactly what he believes today.

I am beyond fortunate to have two parents who are still working well into their 60s. They received great educations and use them every day. My parents taught me a personal ethic I try to live by and pass on to my children.

I come from a strong legacy of black Americans. My namesake, Henry Hill, my father’s father, was a day laborer in Baltimore. He could not read or write until he was taught to do so by my grandmother. His first present to my dad was a set of encyclopedias, which I now have. He wanted his only child, my father, to have a good education, so he made numerous sacrifices to see that he got an education, including attending Yale.

It says a lot that Rose felt the need to apologize to Hill before the documentary aired, that Rose felt that Hill wasn’t black enough to be a good teammate and still wasn’t black enough to gloss over commentary on that subject today.  It’s cool if Rose is just bent that Grant Hill actually met his own father, but calling him a b:tch in a documentary produced by a company that pays you for objective analysis is, at best, irresponsible.

Why everything has to be “black this” or black that” is something that I’ll never understand, especially when all the unity talk goes out the window whenever a pretty white girl shows up at the club. But one guy ran his mouth in what amounted to programming for his own employer. The other fired back from a column of one of the most-read publications of the world. You tell me which one is the sellout.

Like most people I tuned in to watch the “Fab 5″ 30 For 30 special on ESPN last night and like most people I just sat there and wondered why Chris Webber was too cool for school. But lost in this celebration of a team most ESPN viewers are too young to remember was the above wonderful clip of the former Michigan players giving their thoughts on America’s least favorite team, the Duke Blue Devils. I really enjoyed this 30 For 30 edition, because we so rarely get to see Eric Montross highlights these days, but 1) I’m down for anything that makes fun of Christian Laettner and B) I could listen to people call Grant Hill a bitch for the rest of my life.

Call me a filthy Orlando Magic homer all you want, but Hill’s tenure in Orlando was grand theft, so anytime I listen to someone make fun of him my ears perk up a little. I’m like a dog getting my butt scratched every time I watch this clip.

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