Unless you want this Godless thing tearing through your cheerleader dreams to haunt your nightmares you’ll sign up for our free fantasy football game through Draftstreet.com. I don’t really know what one thing has to do with the other, but I’m no theologian, and I’m going to threaten you with it anyway.

If free money for doing almost nothing isn’t enough (it is seriously free money, why aren’t you doing this) I’m playing, and I challenge you — yes, challenge you — to defeat me. My newfound Texans fan powers will lead my running back, Arian Foster, to 400 carries for over 8,000 yards this week. Hopefully that’ll make up for my quarterback, because I used all my money on Foster and ended up drafting Jake Plummer. Whoops!

Our Explanation Blurb™, in case you haven’t read it:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

It’s easy as hell, and I drafted my team in about 40 seconds before posting this. Uh, maybe that’s why I never win. But I still could win, and that’s awesome. The game happens on 10/16 and includes the Monday game, so go ahead and do this immediately. And remember, participation gets you

1. Free money
2. No Spongebob nightmares
3. The ability to laugh at me thinking Jake Plummer still plays football
4. Fame and fortune (on the Internet)

Bronco-haters and fans of interceptions and beards will be pleased to learn that Jake Plummer, though semi-officially maybe retired from the NFL, hasn't disappeared from the sporting world entirely. He's playing competitive handball (second item).

Jake Plummer and older brother Eric advanced to the semifinals of the Colorado Open handball championships over the weekend at the Denver Athletic Club.

The Plummers were defeated in the semifinals by eventual champions Bear Meiring and Jay Sprenger. The Plummers upset the No. 2-seeded team to make it to the semifinals.

Sadly, AP and Getty photographers somehow didn't get the memo that this huge event — featuring star handball players like Bear Meiring, Jay Sprenger, and Jake Plummer's older brother — was happening, so I've been forced to use an artist's rendition of the event. An artist's rendition of team handball, which isn't quite the same thing as doubles, which is like racquetball without racquets, but whatever. Like you care.

The good news is that Eli Manning can take heart from Plummer's success. He might have a future in squash after all. 

As part of my last post of the day, I thought I'd do a semi-preview of that Chiefs-Broncos game that we're all thankful for but have no way of watching. That's right, it's time to  look at the Jay Cutler Watch with new interest. Jake Plummer will start tomorrow, but after struggling recently there's a fair amount of buzz that Mike Shanahan will finally pull the plug on Plummer. And the people in Denver cannot wait.

Plummer, who otherwise doesn't read the papers, watch TV sportscasts or listen to sports talk radio, understood his position as starting quarterback for the 7-3 Broncos has once again created local unrest. "There have been people who have tried to run me out of here since I got here," Plummer said. "If I listened to that stuff, I wouldn't still be here leading this team."

Impressive. It's like he hired all of President Bush's speechwriters and PR staff.

"There's a lot of starvation and people dying in the world, but I'm the most important topic in Denver," Plummer said. "It's sad."

Yeah, Denver! Stop caring about your stupid football team and donate to UNICEF! Fucking Denver. Those pricks are so selfish… although maybe if those starving and dying people started throwing three picks against the Raiders, we could finally cure world hunger.

Check back in over the long weekend — I'll be writing a few more posts to cover the holiday's sporting events.