lion dog

Welcome to Weekend Picks, where Shakey arbitrarily picks a handful of games and then demands that you watch them. His picks are in bold for some reason. Probably because I’m a horrible manager of people. -JZ.

Phillies @ Nationals: Hey hey, it’s the inaugural start for Roy Oswalt as a member of the Philadelphia Phillies, the team that I pledge my allegiances to! I mean, I’m not going to watch the game because I’ll be busy playing board games while mocking all of my friends until they loathe me, but I’m sure it’s going to be excellent. By the way, I have deemed the duo of Roys at the top of the Phillies rotation as ‘Royz In the Hood’, and if you choose to call them by any other name I will call on my very large and street savvy neighbor black men to slay you. They won’t actually OBEY me, but it’s still a threat! Anyway, this reminds me of the famous Oswalt story shrouded in folklore that is most invariably a lie. When Oswalt was a high school pitcher, his elbow was hurting him quite terribly one day when he decided to try and fix his dad’s truck. He received a gigantic electric shock from the motor that went right up his right arm and ever since then his arm has never hurt him to this day. Though I choose to believe this story as it is awesome, it eerily reminds me of the story of one of my favorite extremely shitty superheroes “Static Shock“, who flies around on a trash can lid fed by electricity and got his powers when he was shocked by a nuclear reactor, because he is a gigantic imbecile who hangs around nuclear reactors in his free time. Oh yeah, the Nationals will be there too.

Diamondbacks @ Mets: There’s really no point in watching this game unless you want to watch Jose Reyes do all of those ridiculously complicated handshakes he’s spent all of the time he should be using to get better at baseball figuring out. On the plus side, watching him do them will make you realize he is a complete and utter douchebag. Read the rest of this entry »