Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor managed to avoid jail time when he was sentenced to six years probation for doing (business with) an underage prostitute. Lawrence went out of his way on Fox News to tell the world that he’s just not that kind of guy.

That’s not my M.O. I’ve been around kids and people all my life,” said Taylor, a former New York Giants Hall of Fame linebacker.

“I’m not the cause of prostitution. And sometimes I make mistakes and I may go out there, but I didn’t pick her up at no playground. She wasn’t hiding behind the school bus or getting off a school bus. This is a working girl that came to my room. And I don’t know what her age was. I asked her age. She told me she was 19. It is what it is.”

–ESPN.

It is what it is. And it is statutory rape. But whatever. It’s not like Taylor set out to commit a predatory act, or that the girl didn’t get paid. Do you know how hard it is to find an honest whore in this day and age? No, that wasn’t rhetorical. I’m asking for a friend.

Now see, THIS is a cheerleading story:

The pictures posted on MySpace.com looked like the latest installment of "Girls Gone Wild." In them, cheerleaders from McKinney North High School in Texas exhibited all variety of bawdy behavior. One shot showed a bikini-clad girl sharing a bottle of booze with a friend. Another featured a cheerleader and several other girls in risqué poses offering glimpses of their panties. But the most infamous photo of all was taken in a Condoms To Go store. Five smiling cheerleaders dressed in uniform posed with large candles shaped like penises. At least one of them appeared to be simulating fellatio…

[T]he group of cheerleaders, known as the "Fab Five," were out of control—an elite social clique… [whose] alleged ringleader was the daughter of McKinney North's principal, Linda Theret. Amid charges that Theret gave the girls preferential treatment, the school district launched a $40,000 investigation conducted by Jones in the fall [resulting in a 70-page report]…

When one teacher told a squad member to quit chatting on her cell phone in class, the girl replied, "Shut up, I'm talking to my Mom."… The girls were apparently just as ornery in their cheerleading activities, leading five coaches to quit in the last three years.

Bada bing. Clearly there's only one way to punish such naughty cheerleader behavior: handcuffs.

But let's get to the heart of the matter: Get me those fucking pictures. I've been on YouTube, I've been on Google, I've been on MySpace… and all those little F'ers have their profiles set to "private." About the only thing I learned is that the queen bee of the Fab Five is named [redacted]. I'm exhausted from all the sleuthing. C'mon, people… help me help you.

UNSEXY UPDATE: Ex-principal Linda Theret sent me a not exactly pleasant email telling me to take down the pictures — something about me not having permission to exploit minors — and I'm just not really in the mood to get sued… so you're on your own to find photos of minors. Good times.

Three saucy little minxes high school cheerleaders in Colorado were handcuffed and led away by security guards for their involvement in a prank.

The three allegedly put paper over a portion of a sign in front of Douglass Valley Elementary School, leaving it to read "ass Valley Elementary School," said school spokeswoman Nanette Anderson.

Ah, Ass Valley. What I wouldn't give to live there. The property values are just too high, though.

Oh, and the headline from the Denver Post article? High school cheerleaders handcuffed. Which is a crazy coincidence, because I just had that dream last night. Or is it not a coincidence if I have that dream every night? I'll need a ruling from the Sexy Coincidence Committee.

(Credit goes to Peter Schrager for finding the story.)