When former Rams wide receiver Torry Holt sat down to shake-and-howdy with the Jaguars’ press, asked him about the jagged middle finger on Torry’s left hand. If you’ve eaten anything within the last hour, you might want to sit this one out. If Holt’s index finger points to high noon, his crooked finger points to 9:45. Which might help explain why he gets to the ball so much earlier than anyone else. Seriously, I don’t know whether to yank that finger back into place or hang my coat on it. Suddenly I don’t feel so freakish for having a penis shaped like a U. Thanks, Torry!

|Blatantly stolen from Maj, FrumpZilla, via Jacksonville.com|

The Jacksonville Jaguars just unveiled a new wordmark and new uniforms, and (surprise!) they’re not new at all. The team helmet, while black-but-green-where-the-light-hits-it, appears unchanged. Aside from that, the new look is clearly a step backward. These new unis being unveiled are just so boring; I’m expecting the next team’s new duds to have pockets and the word “PINK” splashed across the ass.

Also getting a new uniform? Former Jags receiver Jimmy Smith, who was busted on felony cocaine charges. And I thought his days as a possession receiver were over. Wokka wokka wokka!

Jags wide receiver and noted white athlete on drugs Matt Jones was arrested yesterday for violating terms of his drug treatment program. Jones tested positive for alcohol, violating the terms of the probation to which he agreed after being arrested for possession last July.

Terms of Jones’ drug treatment program call for participants to abstain from drugs and alcohol, and individuals are tested randomly for the substances. Positive results from Jones’ alcohol test came in late last week, and he appeared in court Monday to face Judge Mary Ann Gunn, who presides over the drug court, about the positive result.[...]

Jones’ entrance into the Washington County Drug Court stems from an incident last July in which Fayetteville police arrested the former first-round draft pick after seeing him inside a parked car allegedly cutting up cocaine with a Foot Locker discount card.

Jones had the choice of spending ten days in jail or six weeks in rehab. He chose jail, meaning that that Foot Locker card got him 75% time off. it’s a crafty move, really. It’s so much tougher to get laid in rehab.

|Florida Times-Union, via KSK|

GRRRRR DIAMOND EARRINGS!!!

The Colts and Jaguars produced a solid game for Thursday night football on the NFL Network, or at least that’s what I’ve been led to believe from the highlights and game recap since my cable provider doesn’t offer the NFL Network.  The Colts, led by a razor-sharp Peyton Manning and a few clutch defensive plays, notched their sixth come-from-behind win of the season, their seventh consecutive playoff berth, and their eighth straight victory overall with last night’s 31-24 triumph in Jacksonville.

The Jaguars, bolstered emotionally by the return of paralyzed tackle Richard Collier as an honorary captain, led throughout the game until the fourth quarter.  That’s when Manning’s efficiency — he completed his first 17 passes, and 29 of 34 for 364 yards and 3 TDs overall — finally caught up with the Jags and resulted in a 24-all tie.  From there, the deciding factors was the Colts D: a David Garrard pick-6 gave the Colts the lead; then, with the Jaguars threatening to tie the game, Dwight Freeney sacked Garrard to end the game.

I just realized I wrote two whole paragraphs that didn’t make fun of anyone and were more or less cohesive.  Gah.  What the hell’s wrong with me?  This is why I hate game recaps.  Can’t I just call Dallas Clark’s goatee a “prison pussy” and move on to the next story?

Here’s Jaguars quarterback David Garrard getting down at a wedding, courtesy the fine people at Brahsome.

Shit like this gets blown out of proportion all the time, because people try to connect photos of a player having fun with subpar on-field performance, which is always a ridiculous stretch unless the player is Matt Leinart.  Then the media tries to blame blogs for being evil and invasive (while taking advantage of the story in its own way), and all the joy gets sapped out of what we should be celebrating: a pro athlete letting loose, dancing and getting sweaty and shedding clothes at a wedding just like us regular folk do.

Although regular people don’t actually sweat like that.  My God.  He’s like a closeted Repulican in a Chelsea steam room.

Unlike Plaxico Burress, some NFL players get really shot, and not as a result of their own stupidity.  Richard Collier barely survived a murder attempt in September that led the the amputation of a leg and paralysis below the waist, and the Orlando Sentinel landed the first interview with Collier, who says he “remembers everything” about the shooting.

“When I got in the ambulance, I remember they were counting bullets,” Collier said. “I was like man, that’s a lot.”  Collier was shot 14 times.

Hell yes that’s a lot.  That’s a lot for 50 Cent.

“I realized now how much strength I really have, how much patience I have.  I’ve realized there’s so much more to me than playing football.”

Anyone who gets their life turned into shit by some asshole and still comes out of it with a positive attitude gets a tip of the cap from me.  I mean, if some mom accidentally bumps her stroller into me it ruins my day.  I’m really in no position to talk about losing a leg and being paralyzed.