First the newsy part – with very little surprise, former reality TV star and current girl who had a son with Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari, has “opened her home” to People Magazine, which is a very pleasant way of saying that she sold the first photos of her son, Camden Jack, to the popular celebrity magazine. And there he is above… wait a second, is that baby smiling? Yo, someone get Maury Povich on line 1, because I think we have a serious paternity test issue here. The fact that this kid didn’t pop out of the womb with two middle fingers in the air already has me concerned enough.

And now the fun part. Yesterday, my cool cousin with a sleeveless letterman jacket, Christmas Ape, posted one of the greater J-Cutty stories that we’ve heard in quite some time, and I don’t care if it’s an urban legend or not, because it just has to be true. In fact, if you go back and watch the highlights of him throwing four interceptions against the Green Bay Packers, and imagine him yelling, “DOOOONNNNNN’T CAAAAAAAAARE” after each one, well, it’s amazing.

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Less than a week after we learned that we could buy a $2,800 knife set to show our appreciation of their love, the engagement of Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari is no more. According to various, terribly-written and misleading tabloid reports, Cutler broke up with the former star of The Hills.

According to People, this is possibly the worst thing to ever happen to anyone. Ever. In the world.

“She got dumped,” says another source. “She’s absolutely devastated. She can’t believe this is happening.”

“She was planning her dream wedding, the date was set, the location – everything was set,” the source says. “She’s in shock that the dream wedding she was planning is going to end this way.”

Keep in mind, she doesn’t seem to give a sh*t about losing her man, she’s just apparently upset about the dream wedding going down the crapper. So why the split then, People?

“Jay Cutler was beyond controlling and didn’t really like Kristin to go out,” the friend says. “When she did go out, he called all the time and demanded to know exactly where she was going and who she was with.”

The friend adds: “He made her choose between him and being friends with a lot of her girlfriends. I’m not surprised it didn’t last.”

I’m not one for hyperbole, but this is the most shocking revelation in the world. On no planet, in no dimension, would I have ever imagined that a 24-year old party girl would cause her reclusive NFL star fiancé to stress out over fidelity issues. I bet it’s because Cutler didn’t trust that Justin Bobby guy. He was always up to no good.

This news really upsets me, though. I know that Cutler generally comes off as an apathetic, antisocial, malcontent jerk, but there’s still just something charming and affable about the overgrown frat boy. So I reached out to my good friend J-Cutty to see if he could tell me in his own words what went wrong with America’s sweethearts.

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Despite being in first place in the NFC North with a 4-3 record, things aren’t looking so hot for the Chicago Bears. For starters, quarterback Jay Cutler has come back down to Earth after a hot start – and a concussion – and the team has dropped its last two games to allow the Green Bay Packers to make the division race neck-and-neck again. And because of that, the team can’t even get some respect in its own town. Not even from the former bass player of Fall Out Boy.

A group of at least 25 Bears players hit the town on Monday and after they finished dinner they hit the night club Angels and Kings, which is owned by Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. When the group showed up to the door, bouncers told the players that they weren’t welcome. Then one of the bouncers pulled out his laptop and dropped Matt Forte from his fantasy team. That will show those punks.

What do your inside sources tell you, Chicago Sun-Times?

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Jay Cutler, that lovable turnover machine, has found his way to the tabloids with news that he set himself up on a date with reality television star celebrity female Kristin Cavallari. According to various reports, the dashing darling of defensive backs has had a crush on Cavallari for a while, so he reached out to her to see if she had time in her busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing to meet up after the Chicago Bears recent preseason game against the Arizona Cardinals. And Cutler must have thrown down the smoothest of moves, because a girl like Cavallari doesn’t just fall for any random person with remote fame that pops into her life. She’s bona fide H-list status, friends.

And it gets even better, he’s already met her mom! Oh I know, I can hear the wedding bells ringing at St. James Cathedral already. Tell us, Zimbio, were they getting their freak on in public?

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Since being traded to the Chicago Bears in 2009, Jay Cutler has hardly been the elite quarterback that Bears fans thought they were getting. Instead, the 27-year old Vanderbilt product threw almost as many interceptions (26) as he did touchdowns (27). Cutler’s first season with the Bears saw his total yardage from his previous season in Denver drop more than 900 yards and his INTs increase by 8. But Bears fans need to chill out, because Cutler told local ESPN radio that he’s going to throw picks. Oh yes, Bears fans, he’s going to throw some picks.

Cutler’s comments came as multiple Chicago news outlets have made his proneness to throw interceptions a preseason theme. In fairness to Cutler, he deserves to be upset about this focus on his mistakes, as he was also sacked 35 times last season and fumbled the ball 9 times as well. You’ve got to evenly spread the criticism gravy on this Chicago Bears biscuit.

Take this one back for a touchdown, Pro Football Talk:

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