If you needed any sort of affirmation that “being yourself” can not only be a good thing, but a wonderful thing, look at Japan. Everything that comes out of that country is wonderful, with the exception of trace amounts of radiation being detected on our west coast. Okay sure, the Japanese can’t jettison a nuclear core worth a damn, but they make lingerie ads with the best of them. I won’t even try to sell this as sports-related, mainly because you’ve probably stopped reading already. Who could blame you?

Since ABC televised the Oscars last night, Jimmy Kimmel managed to get a handful of big-time guests for his show following that telecast. And he also got some of the hottest women in Hollywood to take part in this spoof workout video that he put together. Jessica Biel, Minka Kelly, and even old WL fave ScarJo is in it, among others, and if Kimmel wasn’t wearing an ass-tastic thong here you could almost whittle your afternoon away watching this.

And Kelly Ripa has some terrifying talking abs. No wonder Regis is quitting. Watch it after the jump, or if you’re stuck someplace without Flash, like at work or on an iPad, we have stills for you as well.
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You’d be right to presume that sports drinks have so many more calories than water or juice, but at least the bottles are sealed whenever you get them. One California woman might be making the switch after an episode at work has left a bitter taste in her mouth.

The woman, who worked for a financial company in Newport Beach, had one of those “I look like I go hiking but I obviously hate the outdoors” kind of water bottles that she kept on her desk, and was fine…until Michael Lallana of Fullerton, 32, decided to…uh…oh, just go to the blockquote:

Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into an “attractive” co-worker’s water bottle because “her lips had touched it,” but told detectives he never thought she would drink it.

“It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives in explaining why he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle twice last year.

More marriages in California would work themselves out if husbands spent more time flogging the dolphin into their co-workers’ water bottles. And it’s not like she’s all that hot. Keep in mind that this is California, and California Hot is worlds away from, say, Des Moines Hot.

But if you haven’t already thrown up in your own mouth, there’s more. Read the rest of this entry »

I apologize in advance for showing this to you after lunch, but I’ve sat on this for a day and I have to talk about it with somebody.

This is Jazz Ison Sinkfield, and she hasn’t cut her fingernails in 22 freaking years. And that’s not the best part. Jazz says that her long nails are a talent and a gift, and that she hopes that her twisted tree-branch fingernails will get her on “Oprah”. Oh, and she maintains them. Her monthly salon visits, according to the report, are five hours long and cost $250. Mother of God, that’s a f#cking car payment.

This is really the most disgusting thing that I’ve ever seen. And I went to Ohio State. I don’t even think common fingernail clippers could fix this. This has to be fake. WHO ON EARTH CAN GO THROUGH LIFE WITH TUMBLEWEED AROUND HER DAMN HANDS FOR TWENTY YEARS?! And how is she driving a Cadillac? Hell, how does she put her clothes on?!

You can watch the video after the jump, or just run to the bathroom and puke, like I’m about to do right now.

I’ll abandon the pretense here; this is the greatest motion picture that I’ve ever seen. Period. I DEFY you to find a better video than this. This embodies everything that makes America so great, and any words other than that would surely fail to convey the wonder that I feel by watching this for the 5,000th time.

Enjoy. Read the rest of this entry »

Natural Light is one of the lesser-priced brews in the Anheuser-Busch family, and if you went to college anywhere in America, you probably had some of it. Its taste is, to put it politely, questionable. The brand has not run a single ad on television in over 15 years before 2009. And yet this witches’ brew is the fifth-highest selling beer in our great nation. God bless beer, and God bless these fifty United States.

The Chicago Tribune put together a chart of the top selling beer brands in the U.S. Bud Light came in first with $5.25 billion in sales between October 3 of this year and last. But fifth on the list is the choice of beer pong players and university tailgaters — Natural Light with an astonishing $1.13 billion in sales.

–The Pitch.

Of the five beers mentioned in the chart, Natty Light also saw the highest increase in sales over a 52-week period. So is this a sign of the apocalypse? Eh, maybe not. Perhaps it’s an indication of our floundering economy and increased expenses incurred through higher education. Or maybe high school kids just can’t afford real beer. Whatever. It’s no Miller High Life, but at least it’s better than meth.

VOTE IN THE ASYLUM POLL: Are you proud of how much Natty Light America drinks?