When I was in high school, I tried to saw a surfboard in half and turn the pieces into bookshelves to impress a girl. What I didn’t know was that A) sawing a surfboard in half is freaking ridiculously hard without the right saw and 2) I was a moron and girls hated me. So I was left with two worthless, jagged halves of a surfboard and a newfound burden of poor taste for kitschy decorating that has stuck with me today. What’s that? Hell yeah that original Peaches Records crate would look awesome in my living room!

The other day I was doing my random web surfery when I came across a post on Environmental Graffiti that brought me back to that awkward day in my garage with that rusty saw blade and 47% chance of ripping my ring finger to pieces. It seems there are actually other people out there who know what they’re doing when it comes to salvaging surfboards, skis, snowboards, bikes and even bowling balls and making something useful and creative out of them.

God help me if these images of genuine creativity reignite my desire to turn crap into treasure, resulting in a trip to the emergency room. After all, a man can’t write d*ck jokes with 9 fingers.

Read the rest of this entry »

A while back, we pointed out that Reebok was under investigation by the FTC for improperly marketing their fitness shoes with the implication that they would help women get in shape. In fact, Reebok ended up paying out approximately $25 million to pissed off people who purchased the RunTone and EasyTone shoes. Stuck in the middle of that mess was innocent, angelic Kelly Brook, who models the shoes in question. And with that introduction, I do believe that I have covered all my bases to somehow tie the main point to athletics.

Kelly has a new calendar out and it makes me wish that there every day was its own month. But more importantly, I admire Miss Brook’s affront to the stereotypes that we should wear warm clothes in the fall and winter months. Underwear for all, I say.

Read the rest of this entry »

Two men enter! One man leaves! With a giant hole above his eyeball, I should add. While a random Mexican streetfight is hardly sports news, I can at least hide behind my flimsiest of claims – at least it’s competitive. But when said story involves graphic detail that is so delightfully stomach-turning, I just have to make an exception.

Last Friday, 29-year old illegal immigrant Luis Miguel Aguilar attended a friend’s house party near Buena Park in Los Angeles, and he got into a bit of a skirmish with a 41-year old guest. As the two began fighting in the street, Aguilar bit the other man above the eye and ripped his entire eyebrow and surrounding flesh from his face. Then he chewed it and spit it back at the man. Your move, Mike Tyson.

The man actually tried to save the chewed up piece of flesh, Luong said, but it was so torn up that doctors were unable to reattach it. The corporal described it as a chunk containing the victim’s right eyebrow “about the size of an egg.”

“He’s got to get reconstructive surgery,” Luong said of the victim.

(Via)

Aguilar claimed that he bit the other man’s eyebrow off in self defense, which I completely believe because every time that I’m in one of my illegal underground street fights and a guy starts punching me, my krav maga training tells me to sink my teeth directly into orbital flesh. Or curl up in the fetal position and piss myself. One or the other, I get them confused a lot.

The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.

My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.

Read the rest of this entry »

Your move, Apple.

Saturday night, while I was out saving the world from an overabundance of beer, I got an email from Brandon with the subject “Holy Hell” and a link to Darren Rovell’s Twitter. I couldn’t open it on my phone but I assumed it was extremely important because he asked if we could handle the topic in-depth and of course I was like, “Maybe?” When I got home and checked the Rovell Tweet in question, my answer was simple – F*CK. YES.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton was at the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in Miami – the same one that Jay Cutler and Chad Ochocinco attended last Thursday – and that’s news. It’s sports news, movie news, political news… whatever. Kate Upton is news. So I told Brandon, “You know I’ve got this covered.” And people may be thinking, “Well this isn’t sports-related” and I’ve already mentioned Sports Illustrated, Jay Cutler and Chad Ochocinco, so my bases are covered.

On top of that, I was on the FilmDrunk Frotcast last week and those guys don’t even know who Upton is, like they’re so far above her. Jerks. And even more, Uproxx’s favorite geeky white rapper and son of Tom Hanks, Chet Haze, Tweeted on Friday that he was looking for a hot, young female celebrity to holler at and I suggested Upton. And he totally went for it, so this whole thing is the most important news story you’ll read all day.

It’s Kate Upton. KATE. UPTON. Thank me later.

INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT LIVE ACTION UPDATE AFTER THE JUMP.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has raised an eyebrow this week over the concern that the National Science Foundation has been wasting a great deal of money on various projects that he believes aren’t worth a diddly and the squat it rode in on. Among those projects, scientists have been running shrimp on tiny treadmills to “measure the impact of sickness on crustaceans”.

That’s right – we’re training shrimp to be the best at exercising.

The Oklahoma Republican issued a new report Thursday that concludes the National Science Foundation has misspent $3 billion on “waste, fraud, duplication and mismanagement.” It offers a list of research projects that could have been left as questions for the universe.

Among them, $2 million to analyze 38 million photos on Flickr and cross-reference them against the site’s social networking service. Turns out, researchers concluded, that friends generally post photos on the Internet depicting the same place at the same time. (Fox News)

$2 million to analyze Flickr? Let me save them some effort – it’s 30 million photos of dudes in skinny jeans drinking PBR. But let’s go back to the part that really matters – shrimp on tiny treadmills. If there is video of these alleged shrimp running on their alleged tiny treadmills, then I would say the money is well spent. Until then…

*cowboy octopus riding a seahorse crashes through wall, sprays ink message*

Oh there’s a video, friends.

Read the rest of this entry »