While most parody Twitter accounts simply bring us incredibly accurate portrayals of NFL quarterbacks, an account dedicated to Italian striker Mario Balotelli actually helped spread a friendly reminder earlier this morning to aspiring European soccer hooligans. In a recent interview, Balotelli said that if any fans get out of hand and downright racist toward him at next month’s Euro 2012 tournament, he will kill them.

Plain and simple.

“I will not accept racism at all,” Balotelli, who was abused by Juventus and Roma fans while playing for Inter Milan in 2009, told France Football magazine.

“If someone throws a banana at me in the street, I will go to jail because I will kill them,” he added, referring to an incident in Rome when someone threw a banana at him in a bar.

“It was lucky the police arrived quickly because I swear, I would have beaten them. I would really have destroyed them.

“I hope it never happens again.” (Via Reuters India)

UEFA officials, in unison with Polish and Ukrainian leaders, have assured Euro 2012 fans that the tournament will be free of racism and hatred, despite the recent reminders that some European soccer fans like to wave Nazi flags at soccer games. But Balotelli and other players that have faced racist taunts and chants aren’t quite buying it.

I think the best solution for Balotelli would be to train Ukraine’s stray dogs to sniff out and destroy racist soccer fans. If anything, it would make for one hell of a Pixar movie after the tournament.

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Von Wafer has played for 6 NBA teams since he was drafted in the second round of the 2005 NBA Draft, so it came as little surprise that he chose to play in Italy for a year instead of waiting out the lockout. But it’s not his paltry 7.3 ppg career scoring average that has people buzzing like sassy little bees today. It’s a Tweet that Wafer – real name Vakeaton Quamar Wafer – allegedly sent out yesterday around 4:30 p.m. and that remained on his Twitter for hours after. As you can read above, Von may have announced to the world that he’s gay.

Wafer’s agent denied that the guard could have posted such a Tweet, as he was on a plane from Italy to the U.S. at the time, but it’s really quite puzzling why a guy with a profile as low as Wafer’s would suddenly be the target for a good, old-fashioned “I’mma Tweet you’re gay” prank. In fact, let’s put on our conspiracy glasses – Gucci, natch – for a second and wonder out loud. Six teams in 6 years, and while playing for the Boston Celtics (his last NBA team) he was involved in a random locker room fist fight with Delonte West, for which there never was much of an explanation other than “They were competing for the same position.”

Could Wafer’s decision to play in Italy have been spurred by the lack of tolerance for his homosexuality as much as it was about a paycheck? Or is this just a simple prank that someone pulled on Wafer, whose nickname is also “The Dutch Cookie.” Only time will tell, I guess.

In case you’re the type who needs a screenprinted message on an oversized foam finger to be convinced of anything and believes the NBA Lockout is ending soon, here’s your finger: pending the ability of the team owner to actually get the money to make it happen, Kobe Bryant has agreed to play basketball in Italy.

From The Associated Press:

Italian club Virtus Bologna has reached a verbal agreement with Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant to play in Italy during the NBA lockout. The sides have settled on a $3 million contract for the opening 40 days of the Italian league season, a person with knowledge of the negotiations told The Associated Press on Friday.

Bryant, who spent much of his childhood in Italy, was in the country for sponsor appearances over the past two days but was flying back to the U.S. for labor talks with the NBA on Friday.

Bryant will get a work visa and return to Italy next week, said the person, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the deal has still not been signed. Virtus had been due to open the season Oct. 9 against Roma, but schedules now need to be reworked after Venezia was added to the league as a 17th team.

I’m guessing “Virtus Bologna” makes the most righteous sandwiches ever.

Three million dollars for 40 days of work comes out to roughly $75,000 a day for basketball. However, Bryant was set to make $25.244 million for the 2011-12 NBA season, so the deal in Italy gives him about a $233,000 a game pay-cut. With the lockout still on with no end in sight, it beats getting a real job, or going on Twitter and joking about having to get a real job, or whatever it is players are doing now. Not sure whether or not it beats what Roy Hibbert had going at Entertainment 7wenty, but Kobe knows what he’s doing, and “actually getting paid to play basketball somewhere” is absolutely what he should be doing.

If The Pope has done nothing else to help the world, he’s gotten Dick Vitale to shut up. Temporarily.

The legendary sportscaster and professional caps-lock yeller had a chance to briefly meet and greet Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday while on vacation in Italy, and as a man of faith he seemed so legitimately excited about it I can only make so much fun. Although he does type exactly like he talks.

Another tweet added “Can’t wait 4 the photos taken by the Pope’s staff- in awe as we made small talk .Asked his Holiness to pray 4 peace in our world & 4 my fam.” I would’ve loved to listen in on that conversation. Vitale goes UNBELIEVABLE BABY and kisses the Pope’s ring, then tells him he wants world peace. The Pope sorta scratches his head and goes “sh**, okay, don’t know why I didn’t think of that”. He should’ve asked the Pope what he thinks Rex Ryan’s tattoo means.

Of course, the religious experience wasn’t enough to change Dick’s human nature, and within a few hours he was back to his old self, sharing Italian vacation stories only Dick Vitale could find interesting.

That wouldn’t have anything to do with you just hanging out with the Pope, would it?

[via Twitter]

Michael Jordan did a lot of stuff in his basketball career; he won a lot of titles, sold a lot of shoes, and is almost universally recognized as one of the greatest athletes in history. But did he ever smash a backboard? This dude that kinda looks like Jordan can be seen breaking the hardware in the video above. A YouTube video summary suggests that, yep, it’s MJ.

Trieste (Italy) August 25 of 1985,Stefanel Trieste vs Juve Caserta,Nike exhibition game with Michael Jordan scores 30 points and shattering the backboard with a dunk producing courteous in the wrists to a player of the rival equipment,i recorded it in the year 1986 in a sports program of the Spanish television,i have published the video with the Italo disco song of 1985: Moses-We Just (Our Revolution)

–User “jpsp74″/YouTube.

Yeah, so that explains that Jordan looks so young, wearing the original tri-colored Air Jordans, and suggests that wear and tear from a busy “offseason” led to His Airness’s ankle injury in his subsequent season with the Bulls. He still had a better year than anything involving disco.

via Midwest Sports Fans.

Here’s a not-so-feelgood story out of Europe involving an Italian teenager (not pictured), a PlayStation, and a dad getting stabbed because he was kicking his boy’s ass in FIFA. Roll blockquote…

The man, identified as Fabrizio R., suffered a deep cut to the throat after his 16-year-old son, Mario, attacked him during an argument on Sunday over the soccer video game FIFA 2009.

Police said the argument broke out when the 46-year-old storekeeper offered his son advice on tactics to improve his play, and then turned the television off in response to his son’s behavior.
Fetching a knife from the kitchen, Mario stabbed his father in the neck before returning to clean the weapon at the kitchen sink in front of his mother and leaving it to dry on the draining-board.

Forty-six year-old housewife Monica B,. told Italian daily Il Corriere della Sera that she had no idea what had happened until her husband stumbled into the room, clutching his throat. –Y! News.

Mario [It's'a mee! Mario! --Ed.] got the game just a few days earlier as a birthday present. But here’s the money quote, from Mario’s mom, emphasis added:

“Mario is obsessed. He’s forever playing on his PlayStation, and we bought him FIFA 2009 because we didn’t want him playing violent games,” his mother told Il Corriere.

Good move, mom. That’s a fine piece of preventative parenting. Because little Mario beating up hookers and shooting cops in a video game would have just turned him into some anti-social maniac. I’m sure he’ll get over that eventually. Stabbing his father, that is. Nobody ever gets over videogames. Because videogames never say, “Sure, I’d love to hang out, but I’ve gotta work late tonight.”