"But Ron Swanson said that income tax is illegal!"

On Saturday night, Georges St-Pierre and Nick Diaz, for the lack of a much better term, gave us a very disappointing finale to their courtship of craziness over the past several months. In case you were too cool to hang out with us for the UFC 158 live discussion, GSP successfully defended his UFC Welterweight Championship by forcing Diaz to the ground for a very underwhelming five rounds. And after the fight was over, both GSP and Diaz pulled the curtain back to reveal that their whole feud was fake, as St-Pierre has no “dark place” and Diaz just acted that way because certain people wanted him to.

That’s not to say, though, that Diaz doesn’t bring the crazy 24/7. Take, for instance, his post-fight interview, as the pride of Stockton once again claimed that he was retiring from mixed martial arts competition, while also admitting that he has bigger problems to focus on. Like going to federal prison for not paying his taxes. Ever.

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Since being the man to scoop up Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit last Saturday, Christian Lopez has become a baseball sensation because of his good fortune, great attitude, and ultimately how he’s being screwed over by the IRS. Lopez, of course, happily volunteered to give the milestone home run ball to Jeter, asking for nothing in return except for a chance to meet the New York Yankees icon. The Yankees said , “Screw that” and gave the 23-year old four season tickets for the rest of this season, including the playoffs and World Series, and they’re throwing in the first batch of autographed Jeter 3K memorabilia for him, too. But that’s when the IRS stepped in and said, “Not so fast.”

Luckily for Lopez, who sells mobile phones for a living, some companies are rewarding the selfless manner in which he simply gave the ball back. Miller High Life has offered to throw a party for him and donate the proceeds to paying off any taxes he owes from accepting the Yankees’ gift (Miller will pay the whole bill regardless of how much a party raises) and CEO Mitch Modell of Modell’s Sporting Goods has joined sports memorabilia dealer Brandon Steiner to raise $50,000 for paying off part of Lopez’s $150,000 student loans. I know, I’m baffled by that one, too.

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As the University of Southern California football program has recently received a two-year postseason ban, the forfeiture of three seasons worth of victories, and the loss of 30 scholarships, the focus of what started as a NCAA investigation will now turn to the source – Reggie Bush. Somewhere, a relieved Mike Williams went back to deep-frying his protein bars.

Bush, who reportedly received more than $300,000 in gifts from sports marketing agents during his three years at USC, could now be targeted by the IRS, should the government find that any of the gifts were taxable. When reached for comment, With Leather’s Senior Tax Analyst, Lobster Dog, said: “It is our belief that giant bags full of money are indeed taxable.”

Quit trying to write off Glenn Beck’s doilies, FOX News:

Greenberg estimates that Bush, now the star running back for the New Orleans Saints, “ultimately will wind up paying about $150,000,” but “it could be up to $200,000″ if his financial team can’t get the penalties and interest waived.

The penalties imposed upon the coveted USC football program and former student-athlete Bush are the result of an extensive investigation that discovered the Heisman Trophy winner received more than $300,000 in illegal benefits from marketing agents during the years he played college football.

The former Heisman Trophy winner Bush has stated since the beginning of the NCAA investigation that he is innocent and has openly disagreed with the punishments doled out to USC. He also claims that he’ll cooperate with both the NCAA and USC, should school athletic officials choose to appeal. While IRS representatives cannot legally announce that they’re pursuing Bush for back taxes, it is kind of odd that Tim Geithner bought a new yacht and named it “Bush It to the Limit.”

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Not content with fucking over enough poker players by passing legislation that amounted to an online poker ban in 2006, the United States government is requiring casinos to report the winnings and information of players that finish in the money to the IRS.

Starting [March 4th], the IRS will know just how much a player who won more than $5,000 actually won and will demand the player pay taxes on the winnings of 25 percent. If a player refuses to give the casino his tax information, then the casino must take 28 percent of the winnings for taxes.

Granted, any winnings like these should have been reported to the IRS with form W-2G (it's the white one), but this whole deal still reeks of total bullshit. People paying taxes on money that's already been taxed because it came from other people that entered the tournament? Plus, 25 percent? Are we now living in a socialist regime? I hadn't realized the Canadian dollar was so strong that it was taking over our entire government. Fucking Patriot Act. — Monday Morning Punter

[CardPlayer.com]