Stripper enthusiast Pacman Jones was sent packing to Dallas after the first year of his indefinite ban from the NFL, but commissioner Roger Goodell has yet to grant him reinstatement in the league.  Why?  Because Roger Goodell is a huge dick.  And so, the Cowboys are joining the cause to get Pacman back in the league.  Among Pac's supporters: gun-lovin' DT Tank Johnson, who rocked an eight-game ban under Der Commissar Herr Goodell.

Johnson looked into the camera and sent a message to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, loudly, clearly and with a big smile: "Roger, please, let him play! From Tank. Thanks, buddy." "Him," of course, is Adam "Pacman" Jones…

The team's department that works with troubled players hooked them up as sort of a mentorship. Nate Newton, Michael Irvin and others helped Johnson, and now he's reaching out to Jones.

Wait, stop the article.  Would that be the same Nate Newton who was caught with 213 pounds of marijuana in his van?  And then a month later was caught another 175 pounds of it, leading to a 30-month jail sentence?  And I'm assuming this Michael Irvin character is the wide receiver who's renowned for his rumored drug and hooker expertise, extending even years after he had retired and was working for ESPN.

What an incredible program.  Maybe they can get Charles Manson to be like, "Dude, take it from me: don't kill anyone.  Although if you really wanna know how…" 

[FanHaus] 

Joining Tony Romo, Charles Barkley and Marge Simpson on the list of public figures with particularly bad gambling problems (the problem being that they're bad at gambling) is otherwise immaculately behaved Cowboys' reinstatement appellant Adam "Pacman" Jones, who is in hock to Caesars Palace to the tune of $20,000, which is a light afternoon drizzle in the grand scheme of money precipitation.

The district attorney’s office is seeking a felony arrest warrant for suspended NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones for failing to repay $20,000 in gambling debts to Caesars Palace.

Las Vegas attorney Robert Langford, who represents Jones, said he was “pretty damn surprised” to hear that the district attorney was moving forward with the criminal case.

“I thought we were working it out,” Langford said. “He (Jones) hasn’t been playing football, so he hasn’t been able to pay it back.”

Oh yes, I can't believe a casino would try to get its money back. Pretty loose with the bottom line, those guys. And hasn't Pacman been doing things like appearing in wrestling events? Those usually aren't done for charity, except the one time I put Tina Fey in a headlock to benefit the World Sanity Foundation. Wrote it off in my taxes and everything.

Friends, it's a sad, cynical day for the sports world.  It turns out that the love Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson so obviously share is marred by Jess's manager/creep father, Joe Simpson.  Oh I know, I was just as shocked as you were.  The details: 

An insider told OK! that the much-publicized Mexican excursion Jess and Tony enjoyed in January was never meant to include all the media hubbub. “Everybody agreed to tell no one about the trip,” the source said. “On the day they were flying out, who shows up? Joe Simpson. Tony and the other guys thought it was weird.”

Tony and his Dallas Cowboy teammates, who were also part of the festivities, now believe that Joe was the paparazzi informant, according to the source.

To make matters worse, Jessica seems to be suffering from guilt by association. “(Tony’s) family's view seems to be that Jess and her dad, Joe Simpson, are bringing Tony down,” the insider told the magazine. “I think they are ruining his image, as well as trying to capitalize on his fame, in order to boost hers.”

Keep in mind that this is the same Joe Simpson that once said, "Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"  If you ever date a girl and her dad says that about his daughter, you're legally entitled to put on heavy-soled boots and crush his larynx with an ax-stomp.  Seriously, it's in the Constitution because the Founding Fathers were all creeped out by what a perv Ben Franklin was.

Troubled cornerback and noted rainmaker Adam "Pacman" Jones has been traded from the Titans to the Cowboys for a fourth-round draft pick and a conditional pick.  The conditional pick is because, you know, he's still suspended for that whole strip club shooting thing.  Sheesh, you make it rain, punch a couple strippers, and someone gets paralyzed just once, and you never hear the end of it.  I'm telling you, the media's just making this a big deal because he's been arrested six times since he was drafted.

Jones has agreed to a restructured contract with the Cowboys. Sources told [ESPN's Ed] Werder that it will be a four-year contract with no guaranteed money. By restructuring instead of transferring his existing deal, Jones gives up nearly $7 million in guaranteed base salaries over the next three years.

The no-guaranteed-money clause has got to be a bummer, but Dallas-area exotic dancers remain cautiously optimistic.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo celebrated his birthday this past weekend with girlfriend Jessica Simpson, and the two shrinking wallflowers had a quiet night together in Dallas.

The affectionate pair showed up at Suite, an exclusive nightspot, to celebrate Romo's 28th birthday a few days early… The get-together included a blue, star-shaped, No. 9 birthday cake, champagne, and lots of dancing at the crowded club.

At one point in the evening, Simpson got on the mic and sang "Happy Birthday" to her beau – then they started feeding each other cake…. "She licked cake from his face as everyone cheered them on. It was quite a spectacle," says one club insider. "But they looked really happy together. Jessica had blue icing all over her hands and mouth and Tony was laughing." 

In a related story, a girl I once dated let me have sex with her if I turned out all the lights and didn't make any noise.  But she let me hold hands with her in public, so that was cool.

[D Magazine] 

A birthday party in Texas ended with six people stabbed after one guest got a liiiiittle too angry during an argument concerning the Dallas Cowboys.  Wait, what?  Are you telling me nobody brought their gun to the party to keep the peace?  Color me disappointed, Texas.

At the scene, a birthday party, police found three stabbing victims [and three more at the hospital]… "The disturbance appears to have started out as a birthday party and an argument over two sports teams ensued," [Sgt Olga] Gamez said. "One of the persons attending the party started to cut people."

According to police, witnesses said the argument was about the Dallas Cowboys and another team. Police found a large quantity of alcohol at the party, she said. "When you mix alcohol with all that it doesn’t take much."

Oh really?  Because I drink alcohol every night (and most afternoons) (and some mornings too), and yet I still haven't stabbed anyone over sports.  Not that I haven't wanted to.  Or plan to in the future.  Basically, okay, yes: I will definitely stab a blogger or commenter before the end of the year.  Keep asking for more hockey coverage, Jim Jones.  I will fucking cut you.

(Thanks to hooker-slaying reader Hooker Slayer)