Not that I give this story much credence, but according to Stuff, Jessica Simpson is desperate to get knocked up by boyfriend Tony Romo, and she was delighted to learn that a recent pregnancy test was positive.  Simpson and Romo then revealed the happy news to Tony's family, and they were thrilled.  And by thrilled I mean horrified.

A source said: “There was a huge fight on July 18 at the Romo home. Jessica and Tony thought she was pregnant and happily announced it to the family. The news resulted in dead silence. Then Tony’s dad Ramiro said, ‘You’re not married. This is crazy!’ Tony’s mum Joan joined in, demanding, ‘How can you do this to us?’”

Ooh, that's uncomfortable.  But awkward gets awkwarder when the whole story comes out:

Jessica, 28, is said to have been devastated at the family’s response, especially as she was later forced to admit she had made a mistake after allegedly misreading the test.

That must have been a relief to the Romos.  "We thought the bitch was pregnant, but it turns out she's just an idiot."  What a nice consolation.

None of these is really worth an entire post, so here we go.  Hooray for slow days.

AHHHH A DINOSAUR — Mark Buehrle hangs with a young T-Rex at whatever they're calling the new Comiskey Park these days.  Cell something?  Whatever.  (via Walkoff Walk and TSB) 

'HARD KNOCKS' KINDA SUCKS — In case you missed it, you can watch Awful Announcing's collection of highlights or read my lazy-ass commentary over at KSK.  There's also some professional-type criticism from a real journalist at the Dallas Morning News.  He said a lot of things that reflected my thoughts on the show, only without jokes about T.O. blowing his teammates.

MEET TEAM USA — Ball Don't Lie has a pretty good YouTube of Chris Strong interviewing different members of the men's Olympic basketball team.  It's a little long, but Dwight Howard's Shaq impression is always worth a watch.  If he stopped working out for three years he could have the right body type to go with the voice.

A few days ago, about eight different blogs wrote about a Cowboys training camp play in which Terrell Owens fooled Adam "no longer Pacman" Jones with a nasty double move.  At the time, I was like, "Really?  People are devoting entire blog posts individual plays happening at training camp?  That's fucking sad."

Now here it is, a couple days later, and video of said play has surfaced.  And I take back what I said, because my God it is beautiful.  Not really the play itself, just the feeling in my head: Actual professional athletes playing football!  Kind of! 

Frankly, I've had enough of this NFL offseason bullshit.  It's the 21st century now, we need all living NFL players cloned so that the NFL2 season can begin a month after the Super Bowl and last until August.  Raise your hand if you want a second NFL season every year.  That's what I thought.  Get on it, scientists.

UPDATE: Better video thanks to commenter pavement

Everyone knows Terrell Owens is an emotionally unstable narcissist bent on personal and teamwide destruction. That impression is perfectly accurate. But he did something relatively helpful last week when an ESPN writer got hit by a car following the taping of the ESPY Awards. So a delusional Cowboys fan can at least offer a brief counterpoint about how Owens isn't a total dick before you laugh them off. We always strive for balance.

From Sam Alipour's retelling of the episode:

So, this is what getting hit by a car feels like.

When I came to, I was on the sidewalk, my shoulder hurting like crazy, shards of glass in my forearm and blood dripping from my fingers, while limo drivers and other witnesses screamed this way and that. The paramedics told me I was lucky to be alive ("Last time I saw a windshield like that," said one, "guy lost both his legs"), and all I could think was, "Damn! I just bought this Banana Republic tie-and-shirt ensemble!"

That, and "Holy crap, that's T.O.!"

Terrell Owens was standing over me. I'm told he was the first do-gooder on the scene of the accident. That he helped me to my feet and off the street to safe ground. That he didn't leave my side. It seems the mercurial Dallas Cowboys receiver is my hero. But my hero looks scared, and this scares me.

"Wow, you all right, man?" Owens kept asking me, but in a manner that would suggest there is no possible way that I, in fact, could be all right. "Don't move. Just sit there. Breathe. Don't move."

It seems like, between the peaks of supreme douchiness, T.O. is good for an admirable act every four years or so. I remember watching him playing well while injured in Super Bowl XXXIX thinking that it would forever alter the way I thought about the selfish asshole. But at the first sight of his typical antics, the hate returned unchanged. That's the good thing about hate, it doesn't surprise you. Well, except for the unspeakable acts it leads you to commit. Those are a welcome surprise.

I guess there's some golf tournament in Lake Tahoe called the American Century Championship, which is apparently a celebrity-rich affair.  Whatever.  The point is, wannabe pro golfer Tony Romo made a splash there this weekend, finishing third with a par 72 after falling into the water.  See what I did there?  Made a splash, fell in the water?  I'm clever!

Naturally, girlfriend Jessica Simpson was along for the weekend, touring the gallery in a little white number with orange accessories.  The day before, she sunned herself on a yacht on Tahoe, inexplicably committing the sin of being a hot chick in a ONE-PIECE bathing suit.  Her Nazi hand signals I can look past, but a one-piece suit?  Unforgivable.  

Of course, no exotic weekend would be complete without the Saturday night musical stylings of Heart, Journey and Cheap Trick! (orange dress photos)  Wow!  It's like Coachella for people who still listen to music from 30 years ago!  Are these two kids edgy and hip or what? 

Somehow the Dallas Cowboys are "America's Team," even though the team is a haven for crooks, cranks, and malcontents.  Even though everyone hates Texas.  Even though they haven't won a playoff game in 11 years.  It probably has something to do with their cheerleaders wearing tassels and cowboy boots.  Regardless, there's plenty of big news in Big D, as cornerback Pacman Jones has been granted partial reinstatement in the NFL, and wide receiver Terrell Owens has received a contract extension and a raise. The Dallas Morning News:

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday notified Jones that he may participate in the OTAs, minicamp, training camp and preseason games. Goodell will make a final determination on a full reinstatement by Sept. 1, six days before the season opener at Cleveland.

Please Lord bless us with a preseason game in Miami.  DAMMIT!  Pac will have to find a way to make trouble in San Diego instead.  And Hashmarks on T.O.:

[Owner Jerry] Jones ignored his self-imposed rule about paying big money to aging players and gave the 34-year-old a four-year deal worth $34 million… Common sense suggests you don't make a huge financial commitment to a wide receiver in his mid-30s, but the Cowboys obviously believe that T.O. can remain at an elite level for at least two more seasons.

Yes, good call Jerry.  Common sense is fucking lame.  Spending piles of cash on STAR talent, on the other hand — that's what men of action do.  It explains why I owe thousands of dollars on my credit card after my last trip to Cheetah's.