Iowa’s all-time leading receiver, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, was arrested last week on four drug-related misdemeanor charges (three serious and one aggravated, according to Iowa drug laws) and since then the Iowa Hawkeyes football program has been crumbling like an eight ball at an ’86 Mets reunion. Almost immediately following DJK’s arrest for possession of marijuana and cocaine, keeping a drug house and unlawful possession of prescription drugs, Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz announced that the receiver would never play for Iowa again. Since then, two more players have added themselves to that list, while another key player was suspended.

With Iowa’s matchup against Missouri in the Insight Bowl fast approaching, the Hawkeyes are now without the team’s leading rusher, Adam Robinson. Initially, the team claimed that he violated unspecified rules but it has since been determined that Robinson’s suspension was due to academic violations. Also, RBs Jewel Hampton and Brandon Wegher will transfer. But according to school officials, this is all just one big coincidence. Even though they admitted there may be a teeny tiny problem with players cheating their drug tests.

“We did find pretty strong evidence that there are a couple of ways that our student-athletes have and probably have at some point gotten around the test in some way,” [Iowa athletic director Gary] Barta said. “That’s something that every drug testing situation, it’s almost become a cottage industry around the country, how do you beat a test.” (Via The Sports Bank)

You know how you don’t beat a drug test? By taking more drugs. And don’t ever let your dealer convince you otherwise. But Ferentz and Barta insist that there’s no scandal brewing, despite the admittance that players might be cheating on drug tests, and no additional players will be suspended for the bowl game. And that’s great news, says everyone in America as they slide Missouri to the top of their confidence rankings.

Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.

DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.

So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?

Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.

Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?

DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.

Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…

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School officials at the University of Iowa have filed a report with the NCAA admitting recent wrongdoing in regards to men’s basketball recruiting. Last month, high school recruits were visiting during a football game, and they were introduced to former Iowa basketball greats, Reggie Evans and Dean Oliver. And while that may sound like small potatoes, it only gets worse. Turns out the recruits were led to a private suite at Kinnick Stadium, and awaiting them were the most despicable, deplorable recruiting degenerates in college football history – Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.

Fresh off their marriage-on-the-rocks-saved-by-love-for-freaky-deaky-sex-scandal, Ashton and his grandma wife were more than willing to meet with Hawkeyes basketball recruits Josh Oglesby and Marcus Paige at the September 11 game between Iowa and Iowa State. Kutcher attended Iowa with the dreams of becoming a chemical engineer to develop a cure for his brother’s rare heart disease, but he eventually left to pursue a career in professional Tweeting instead.

Turn that trucker hat sideways and punk Wilmer Valderrama, Des Moines Register:

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College students are known for making bad decisions. As a college student, I can’t count the number of times I’ve woken up in the morning and immediately remembered three or four instances I wish had never happened. Thankfully, I’ve never had an experience like 25 year old University of Iowa senior, Chris Knotts. Knotts was charged with assault on a peace officer, interference with official acts, public intoxication and trespassing on September 11th during the Iowa-Iowa State football game. And while not many things are worse than waking up with a hangover and a court summons; waking up with a hangover, court summons, and taser scars is probably one of them.

Christopher T. Knotts, a 25-year-old UI senior from Solon, was charged with assault on a peace officer, interference with official acts, public intoxication and trespass based on allegations he shoved a police officer and refused to leave Kinnick Stadium after disrupting other fans at the Sept. 11 game.

North Liberty Police Officer Mitch Seymour stunned Knotts with his Taser, using a “drive stun” method that does not use projectile darts and is considered less painful.

Knotts was watching the game with friends in the student section when a police officer approached at the end of the first quarter and asked them to leave, he said. “I asked him why we were being kicked out. ‘What did we do?’ He said the people behind us complained. We went back and forth for a few minutes,” Knotts said.

Seymour came up behind Knotts and touched his back with the Taser. Knotts fell forward onto the bleachers, where he tried to comply with an order to put his hands behind his back, he said. Seymour stunned Knotts a second time in the back, Knotts said. “I had some bruising on those muscles, but you couldn’t see it because I have a full back piece,” Knotts said, referring to large military-themed tattoos on his back. –KCRG

That’s probably not the best way police could have handled the situation, but he must have done something to deserve that treatment, right? The fuzz usually don’t shock drunks all that often, only if they’re being complete jackasses.

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There are few certainties in life, among them are death, taxes, fat girls give good BJs and football players don’t ever learn valuable lessons. Ben Roethlisberger famously face-planted during a leisurely ride on his motorcycle, and in June, University of South Alabama football player Anthony Ray Mostella was killed in a motorcycle accident. There have been plenty of other situations involving athletes and motorcycle crashes and it just doesn’t seem to catch on. So it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that University of Iowa offensive lineman Josh Koeppel was out cruising on his manly chariot when he was hit by a pickup truck. Koeppel, though, wasn’t riding on a Hog or popping wheelies on a crotch rocket. He was riding on a scooter. Ouch, right?

Koeppel is generally in good condition after his accident, thankfully, as he was treated at the university’s clinic for scrapes and bruises. The second string lineman will miss the team’s opener against Eastern Illinois on Saturday, which is pretty lucky considering how bad the accident looks at first. Video after the jump, but I wonder what Iowa’s coach Kirk Ferentz thinks about the accident.

Ride the scooter through a loop with a clown on your back, swallow the bike and honk a horn, Huffington Post:

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The Big Ten is enjoying a bit of an international boost this week after the Korean pop group Girl Generation released this video featuring these random shots of an Iowa Hawkeyes football helmet. And I just wanted to point out that this is South Korea, and not North Korea, so the Axis of Evil jokes don’t really apply here, although “Axis of Jailbait” is totally in play. –Black Hearts Gold Pants.