Before anyone barges in here with pitchforks and gunpowder, please remember that I am a Miami Dolphins fan and I’m incredibly bitter about my favorite NFL team’s struggles. That said, I’m not exactly on the same page just yet as the people who are behind the new website, Manning To Miami.

In case you’ve been living under Chad Henne’s helmet, there’s a strong possibility that the Indianapolis Colts will release Peyton Manning instead of paying him his $28 million bonus in a week, because of that whole four neck surgeries in a year thing. So of course the QB-starved Dolphins fans want GM Jeff Ireland to jump all over Manning so he can come in and not be healthy in a Miami uniform.

Be Part OF “The Movement” and Make History – BRING MANNING TO MIAMI – This site has been created to help influence Peyton Manning and the Miami Dolphins that “Manning to Miami” is a movement and marriage that the entire South Florida community is behind. Tell family, friends (even enemies), tell co-workers, business associates to cast their vote and make a difference in Bringing Manning to Miami.

Ugggggggggh, this is why we can’t have nice things, Miami.

If Manning is healthy, then obviously fans of any team – short of the New England Patriots, Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, Detroit Lions and New York Giants – should want him in their uniform. But he’s not healthy, as far as we know, otherwise the Colts wouldn’t be looking at dumping their instant Hall of Fame inductee.

I mean, if I’m the Dolphins GM and I’m looking at what the team needs, I’m signing a quality pass rusher, a second stud receiver (*cough* Pierre Garcon *cough*) and some more depth on the offensive line. Then, if he wants to play for a reasonable price and there aren’t a few dozen question marks floating over his health, I’ll take a shot at Manning.

But my biggest concern is that if the Dolphins do sign him, Miami fans are going to turn the obnoxious up to 11. Spoiler alert: They will.

Denver Broncos quarterback and evangelical beefcake Tim Tebow was a guest on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, as Fallon aired his show from Indianapolis this week with a Super Bowl XLVI theme. It was inevitable that Fallon would ask him what he thought of his recent “Tebowie” character, which, of course, was a hilarious combination of David Bowie and Tim Tebow that Fallon used to sing a new version of Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” Last night, Tebow played along for humor’s sake and got a nice dig in on Fallon by questioning his pitch on the song. At least I think that’s what he said, because the crowd wouldn’t shut up.

Seriously, it sounded like Tebow was performing on Def Comedy Jam, but even more remarkable was the zeal with which Fallon asked his questions. I’m surprised he didn’t conduct the interview while sitting on his lap and brushing his hair. But the ridiculous love for Tebow aside, I couldn’t help but giggle with delight when Fallon asked Tebow to sign a Broncos jersey and then fire it into the crowd with a t-shirt gun. Somebody had to have stopped and said, “Hey, this might cause a riot.” And then everyone laughed.

And after the Tebow video I’ve included the best of Fallon’s “Late Night at the Super Bowl” because I don’t stay up that late and watch most of his stuff online when I wake up in the morning and take my Ovaltine. And please do yourself a favor and watch the Real Housewives of Late Night in Indianapolis. Dallas Clark in drag. It’s Emmy material.

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Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay is the kind of guy who’d be a 52-year old multimillionaire and have his Twitter icon be a picture of himself playing guitar, so it shouldn’t be surprising that he’d offer two Super Bowl tickets to whatever random person could predict the new Colts head coach. It would also not be surprising if he propped up a cardboard box with a stick, put Super Bowl tickets under it, then pulled the stick away when you crawled under to grab them.

The contest, via @JimIrsay:

However, like any contest suddenly proposed by a rich person, there are rules:

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An an episode from last year’s third season of ‘Parks And Recreation’ (the best show on TV, if you aren’t into making gifs), Leslie Knope is told that she’s organized Pawnee’s upcoming Harvest Festival on the site of an ancient Wamapoke Indian burial ground, and that unless she moves it, the festival will be cursed. Wamapoke tribe leader John Redcorn Ken Hotate goes on local TV show Ya Heard? With Perd! to spread the news of the curse and brings an animated video in the style of Next Media Animation’s batsh*t insane Taiwanese news recaps to illustrate his point.

Fast forward to two days ago when Parks And Rec star Rob Lowe (of all the people in the world) broke the story of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning’s impending retirement, citing “pretty darn good sources”. The story might not be true, but a butterfly flapped its wings on Twitter and caused a tidal wave to hit Taiwan, and now the goofy animation news team parodied on Parks And Recreation are making a goofy animated news piece about someone Parks And Recreation reporting news.

Hold on, my Internet is broken.

Taiwan’s attempt to rationalize the Indianapolis Colts’ futility with horse punching and lightning bolts is below.

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Rob Lowe has broken the news that Peyton Manning will not return to the NFL. Yes, Peyton Manning is retiring. Yes, Rob Lowe broke the story. Chris Traeger from ‘Parks and Recreation’. Sodapop from The Outsiders. The guy who pioneered sex tapes and sit-humped Demi Moore in a bathtub in 1986. God only knows if it’ll turn out to be true, but here you go, straight from his herb belt:

If it turns out to be true, it will be the NFL’s biggest story of the year, broken in the most ridiculous way by the most random person in history on a day when 80% of the Internet is blacked out and taking off. Colts fans should refrain from throwing themselves from bridges and just sorta be happy they lost that week 17 game to the Jaguars. Andy Dwyer should start getting really excited. I don’t know, how are you supposed to react to Rob Lowe destroying the sports world with an inside scoop?

Well, you could do this:

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"Hey you, get over here... stay here... please?"

It has already been a pretty big week for the New York Jets, as they’ve been making personnel changes to repair the problems that have kept them from fulfilling head coach Rex Ryan’s wrongly predicted Super Bowl victories before each of the last three seasons. The first move came with the team kindly asking offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to resign, and the second move came as the Jets hired former Miami Dolphins coach Tony Sparano to replace him. As a Dolphins fan, I can only offer a mild “Meh, we’ll see” to that latter move.

Now, though, some players are allegedly speaking out that the problem wasn’t completely in Schottenheimer’s inability to use his offensive weapons, as much as it’s the fault of weapon Numero Uno, QB Mark Sanchez.

“They don’t want to be truthful with him,” one prominent player said of the way that the organization has handled Sanchez. “They treat him like a baby instead of a man. He goes in a hole when someone tells him the truth.”

“So that should tell you everything,” the source said. “He just doesn’t have the mental toughness to be great… especially in New York.”

“They see the organization babying him,” said a Jets source. “They see him with a sense of entitlement. He’s been given all this and hasn’t done anything. They call him ‘San-chise.’ They make him the face of the organization. They gave him the captain tag. He’s not a captain. He should have never been a captain.”

(Via the New York Daily News)

Ah, my favorite type of sources – anonymous. There’s nothing quite like a player calling his teammate a coddled baby and refusing to go on record for it (also check out our cooler older brothers’ take at KSK). But the quotes are out there now for the whole world to see, and that’s all that matters. So how do these anonymous players think the team should handle it? Acquire Peyton Manning, of course.

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