"You tell me, herp should I derp?"

Since officially becoming a free agent on Wednesday, Peyton Manning is the most popular dude at the desperation party, as basically any team in need of a quarterback is banging down his door. While Manning apparently claimed that he will have a decision made by the end of next week, the Kansas City Chiefs have set the bar with an unknown offer.

Meanwhile, the Denver Broncos are supposedly willing to do whatever it takes to land Manning, and even people in Philadelphia are calling for the Eagles to sign him. And, of course, Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has his checkbook out as he laughs at everyone. So what the hell is really going on? You know, with the guy’s surgically repaired neck and that stuff that sort of matters.

“His risk really is very low,” said Dr. Robert S. Bray Jr., who has worked with NHL star Sidney Crosby and whose DISC Sports & Spine Center provides medical services for the U.S. Olympic team.

“If I was a team, I’d ask, ‘Did (the fusion) heal? Do you have a CAT scan that showed it healed? Is the rest of neck in pretty good shape?”‘ Bray asked. “If those two answers are yes, then it gets down to, ‘OK, get out on the field and show me you can perform,’ because it will only get better from here with time.” (Via the Indy Star)

I’m no NFL general manager, but I assume that all of the guys who are figuring out ways to kill each other to sign Manning probably already asked this question and that’s why they’re doing what they’re doing. But having been a Dolphins fan for this long, I still worry that maybe Jeff Ireland doesn’t put too much thought into something like this and Manning could be rolling around in one of those electric wheelchairs powered by a straw and he’d be like, “So let me tell you why you’d be great in Miami.”

Also, photoshops like this do more harm to my sports sensitivity than they do my hopes…

(Via Gridiron Gab)

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R.I.P. Peyton Manning - Gone too soon. He was one of the greats! Once we’ve stopped Kony, we’ll never stop remembering you. [KSK]

Peyton Manning Is a Great Tipper - In contrast, Mark Shapiro of the Cleveland Indians once tipped me four dollars on 25. Danny Ferry tipped me 7 on 35. I guess Cleveland sports guys use the tipping chart. [The FW]

The 3 Best DJing Apps Out Now - I downloaded all three of these just so I could walk into a room and yell, “DJ BLUNTZ IS IN THE BUIL-DING!” [Smoking Section]

TV Network Power Rankings: What’s Their Greatest Season Ever? - Every time I read “Power Rankings” I read it as “Power Rangers”, so I got upset when I clicked these and didn’t see Galaxy anywhere. [Warming Glow]

Valve Is Not Making a Game Console. It’s Making Something Better - They’re making a wonderful dream where Half-Life 2: Episode 3 was released four years ago and Valve never beat us to death with delays. [Gamma Squad]

Patricia Heaton (The Mom From ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’) Makes A Staggering A$s Of Herself On Twitter - Hey G-Town Gal: When you become rich, you convince yourself that you “did it right” and everyone else is making ridiculous mistakes! Don’t have compassion or perspective, plz! [UPROXX]

The Improbable Rise And Unsurprising Fall Of LulzSec - The FBI was trying to beat down Tommy Dreamer, but the lights went out, and when they came on SABU HAD MADE HIS RETURN TO THE ECW ARENA. [UPROXX]

AVENGERS ACHTUNG! Downey chews scenery in the German Avengers trailer - My favorite member of DIE AVENGERS is DIE HULK. [Film Drunk]

Will You Be Buying Apple’s New, Improved iPad? - Yes, because I have a girlfriend with brand loyalty and nothing better to buy. [Smoking Section]

The 9 Funniest Former ‘Daily Show’ Correspondents - Never appearing on this list: Aasif Mandvi. Thanks for your weird voice and helping ruin ‘The Last Airbender’, jerk. [HuffPost Comedy]

Brazilian late-night shows are a far sight better than their American counterparts: Exhibit A - Exhibit B, they freaky with big ol’ booties and they thongs? Blue yellow and green! [FARK]

You’re the Vulgarian, You F*ck: Our Favorite Verbal Film Fights | The 2011 Fun Oscars - Robert Guillaume vs. Morgan Freeman in Lean On Me is still my favorite. I don’t have time for Mrs. Elliott’s problem! [Pajiba]

Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute?

The Peyton Manning “future endeavors” press conference is full of all the awkward man-hugging and loaded questions you’d expect (“what’s your favorite memory?” might as well have been followed by the guy handing Peyton a box of Kleenex), so let’s choose to remember Peyton in Indy the way he’d want us to — with a fan song set to “Desperado” by the Eagles.

Fan songs are a bit of an institution here at With Leather, and while the songs we normally carry are viral pandering or an indescribable kind of awful, this one gets pretty wistful, so don’t be surprised if you catch yourself staring off into the distance.

The only way this could be better is if it cut to a clip of Andrew Luck getting distracted by “Witchy Woman”.

The Indianapolis Colts are holding a press conference at noon today, at which Colts owner Jim Irsay and franchise face Peyton Manning are expected to tell everyone: “Sometimes an owner and quarterback are in love, but they’re not in love.” For the first time since being drafted by the Colts 14-years ago, Manning is going to be a free agent, as Irsay will announce that he will not honor the $28 million roster bonus that Manning is due tomorrow.

Somewhere, Stephen Ross and Jeff Ireland are shoveling pennies into giant potato sacks. But until the Miami Dolphins and New York Jets can spearhead a hilarious public bromancing of the elite QB that at least a dozen teams need, it’s all about reflection, and 13 seasons in Indianapolis.

“Time will take away some of the hurt that comes with leaving the organization,” Bill Polian told USA TODAY. “He will look back on it from a little bit of distance I hope secure in the knowledge that he made an incredible contribution to that franchise.” (Via USA Today)

And even though there’s that darn video that shows Manning tossing the old pig skin around at Duke University, face it, man – it’s just over.

“After 14 years, I recognize that throwing motion even from a distance,” Polian said. “He looked darn close to the original Peyton Manning.”

And there you have it. We’re mere hours away from the end of an era, and I can only imagine how hard this is on Colts fans, to see the man who pulled them from the sports dumpster and carried them on his back for more than a decade have the door opened for him to finish his career elsewhere.

Man, Colts fans must just be absolutely devastated…

Completely miserable.

"Man, I can't wait to live in Kansas City."

On Friday, a very poor quality video of a guy in a white helmet throwing a football at Duke University showed up on YouTube and people were like, “Well Peyton Manning has a white helmet and he’s been hanging out at Duke, so it must be him!” And it makes sense that it’s Manning, because he has just a few days left before the Indianapolis Colts either owe him $28 million or have to cut him, and because of the new CBA the Colts can’t be at Duke to watch him throw the ball and prove that he’s healthy.

Instead, as the Internet’s greatest sports conspiracy theorists have noted, Manning could conveniently “leak” this video to show Colts owner Jim Irsay that all is good, as they say, in the hood, while also allowing the pack of rabid, quarterback-starved-teams drooling over a free agent Manning to witness his rehabilitation from a fourth neck surgery.

That Manning clan – full of the crafty ones, I tells ya.

Manning’s recovery is also now being tied to “That Thing with Gregg Williams*” as some people believe that Manning was a specific target of New Orleans Saints players and their bounty system. And by some people I mean Tony Dungy and all Colts fans.

Since I’ve now shifted into full speculation and rumor mode, Manning’s possible free agency is still being linked to the New York Jets, Washington Redskins (enjoy Donovan McNabb comparing himself to Manning), Kansas City Chiefs (one “expert” believes this match was made in heaven), Arizona Cardinals, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks (complete with full “woe is us, nobody pays attention to us” journalism), Denver Broncos (the “John Elway hates Tim Tebow” conspiracy train thrives) and the Miami Dolphins, whose fans made Manning a billboard. A billboard, bro. That’s true love.

*I will not use the term “Bountygate.”

(Banner via Alexey Stiop/Shutterstock.com)

Before anyone barges in here with pitchforks and gunpowder, please remember that I am a Miami Dolphins fan and I’m incredibly bitter about my favorite NFL team’s struggles. That said, I’m not exactly on the same page just yet as the people who are behind the new website, Manning To Miami.

In case you’ve been living under Chad Henne’s helmet, there’s a strong possibility that the Indianapolis Colts will release Peyton Manning instead of paying him his $28 million bonus in a week, because of that whole four neck surgeries in a year thing. So of course the QB-starved Dolphins fans want GM Jeff Ireland to jump all over Manning so he can come in and not be healthy in a Miami uniform.

Be Part OF “The Movement” and Make History – BRING MANNING TO MIAMI – This site has been created to help influence Peyton Manning and the Miami Dolphins that “Manning to Miami” is a movement and marriage that the entire South Florida community is behind. Tell family, friends (even enemies), tell co-workers, business associates to cast their vote and make a difference in Bringing Manning to Miami.

Ugggggggggh, this is why we can’t have nice things, Miami.

If Manning is healthy, then obviously fans of any team – short of the New England Patriots, Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, Detroit Lions and New York Giants – should want him in their uniform. But he’s not healthy, as far as we know, otherwise the Colts wouldn’t be looking at dumping their instant Hall of Fame inductee.

I mean, if I’m the Dolphins GM and I’m looking at what the team needs, I’m signing a quality pass rusher, a second stud receiver (*cough* Pierre Garcon *cough*) and some more depth on the offensive line. Then, if he wants to play for a reasonable price and there aren’t a few dozen question marks floating over his health, I’ll take a shot at Manning.

But my biggest concern is that if the Dolphins do sign him, Miami fans are going to turn the obnoxious up to 11. Spoiler alert: They will.

Denver Broncos quarterback and evangelical beefcake Tim Tebow was a guest on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, as Fallon aired his show from Indianapolis this week with a Super Bowl XLVI theme. It was inevitable that Fallon would ask him what he thought of his recent “Tebowie” character, which, of course, was a hilarious combination of David Bowie and Tim Tebow that Fallon used to sing a new version of Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” Last night, Tebow played along for humor’s sake and got a nice dig in on Fallon by questioning his pitch on the song. At least I think that’s what he said, because the crowd wouldn’t shut up.

Seriously, it sounded like Tebow was performing on Def Comedy Jam, but even more remarkable was the zeal with which Fallon asked his questions. I’m surprised he didn’t conduct the interview while sitting on his lap and brushing his hair. But the ridiculous love for Tebow aside, I couldn’t help but giggle with delight when Fallon asked Tebow to sign a Broncos jersey and then fire it into the crowd with a t-shirt gun. Somebody had to have stopped and said, “Hey, this might cause a riot.” And then everyone laughed.

And after the Tebow video I’ve included the best of Fallon’s “Late Night at the Super Bowl” because I don’t stay up that late and watch most of his stuff online when I wake up in the morning and take my Ovaltine. And please do yourself a favor and watch the Real Housewives of Late Night in Indianapolis. Dallas Clark in drag. It’s Emmy material.

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay is the kind of guy who’d be a 52-year old multimillionaire and have his Twitter icon be a picture of himself playing guitar, so it shouldn’t be surprising that he’d offer two Super Bowl tickets to whatever random person could predict the new Colts head coach. It would also not be surprising if he propped up a cardboard box with a stick, put Super Bowl tickets under it, then pulled the stick away when you crawled under to grab them.

The contest, via @JimIrsay:

However, like any contest suddenly proposed by a rich person, there are rules:

That is, literally? The most hurtful thing ever tweeted by a human being.

Of course, unless Irsay is planning to promote an unknown or choose his next head coach from a bingo cage, there are only so many candidates to choose from. Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator Chuck Pagano is interviewing for the job. Todd Haley was supposed to end up back in Arizona, but that soured. Maybe Peyton Manning really is retiring and will end up as head coach. Maybe a player-coach? I guessed “Mike Hargrove”, but that’s probably not right.

Let’s check the responses to see what Irsay’s followers think …

Tressel is seriously about 85% of the responses. How awesome would it be if Tressel was announced as the new head coach and Irsay had to buy Super Bowl tickets for like 8,000 people?

An an episode from last year’s third season of ‘Parks And Recreation’ (the best show on TV, if you aren’t into making gifs), Leslie Knope is told that she’s organized Pawnee’s upcoming Harvest Festival on the site of an ancient Wamapoke Indian burial ground, and that unless she moves it, the festival will be cursed. Wamapoke tribe leader John Redcorn Ken Hotate goes on local TV show Ya Heard? With Perd! to spread the news of the curse and brings an animated video in the style of Next Media Animation’s batsh*t insane Taiwanese news recaps to illustrate his point.

Fast forward to two days ago when Parks And Rec star Rob Lowe (of all the people in the world) broke the story of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning’s impending retirement, citing “pretty darn good sources”. The story might not be true, but a butterfly flapped its wings on Twitter and caused a tidal wave to hit Taiwan, and now the goofy animation news team parodied on Parks And Recreation are making a goofy animated news piece about someone Parks And Recreation reporting news.

Hold on, my Internet is broken.

Taiwan’s attempt to rationalize the Indianapolis Colts’ futility with horse punching and lightning bolts is below.

Despite my ongoing obsession with Taiwanese animation, Kissing Suzy Kolber actually got to this one first, so I’ve got to give them a hat tip. I am also now encouraged to burn Big Daddy Drew, Captain Caveman and Unsilent Majority at the stake. Thanks, Taiwan!

Rob Lowe has broken the news that Peyton Manning will not return to the NFL. Yes, Peyton Manning is retiring. Yes, Rob Lowe broke the story. Chris Traeger from ‘Parks and Recreation’. Sodapop from The Outsiders. The guy who pioneered sex tapes and sit-humped Demi Moore in a bathtub in 1986. God only knows if it’ll turn out to be true, but here you go, straight from his herb belt:

If it turns out to be true, it will be the NFL’s biggest story of the year, broken in the most ridiculous way by the most random person in history on a day when 80% of the Internet is blacked out and taking off. Colts fans should refrain from throwing themselves from bridges and just sorta be happy they lost that week 17 game to the Jaguars. Andy Dwyer should start getting really excited. I don’t know, how are you supposed to react to Rob Lowe destroying the sports world with an inside scoop?

Well, you could do this:

Or this:

Alternate suggestions:

- Put on a Colts jersey, have someone film you crying and babbling on about how sad you are that Peyton Manning is retiring. Sports bloggers are contractually required to share every video like this, no matter how obviously fake they are.
- Make a “Sh*t Peyton Manning Says”. “I’m retiring!” or “I’m Peyton Manning!” are some ideas off the top of my head.
- Stock up on Double Stuf Oreos.
- Attempt to get in touch with Rob Lowe for clarification. Note: This may be impossible.

More on the story, literally as it develops.

(photo via Deadspin)